


Lord of None

by jaclinhyde, NuWho (jaclinhyde)



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, F/M, Long, Not Canon Compliant, Worth It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:28:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 41
Words: 49,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26745160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaclinhyde/pseuds/jaclinhyde, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaclinhyde/pseuds/NuWho
Summary: To save lives he answers a distress call but all is not what it seems and both the Tenth Doctor and Rose have to face death as it takes root inside of him.
Relationships: Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler
Kudos: 21





	1. Lost

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is a long one but I have been writing it since before the Pandemic so the 'flu' is an original thought. I hope you like it as much as I enjoyed the writing of it. Any feedback, and I mean ANY feedback is the reason this has come to exist. Thanks!

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/gp/190433625@N02/)

_**“I've got nothing left to live for,  
Got no reason yet to die,  
But when I'm standing in the gallows,  
I'll be staring at the sky,  
Because no matter where they take me,  
Death I will survive,  
And I will never be forgotten,  
With you by my side,  
Cause I don't need this life,  
I just need…  
Somebody to die for” ** _

_**“Somebody to Die For” by Hurts**_

_**“** _ _**I check my look in the mirror  
Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face”** _

_**“Dancing in the Dark” by Bruce Springsteen** _

He had told her that it was kind of like the flu and that his people used to call it “the Fade” because calling it by its real name, “ _Full Alondicularamirlapitisun Dioradin - Eighth strain”_ was a bit much.

“Made it sound a bit like some Judoon poetry, some really bad Judoon poetry. Although, I have never heard any good Judoon poetry to be honest.” he had casually mentioned to her with a broad smile, bright eyes and a shake of his head.

He was not fooling her. There was something in those eyes, right below the surface that was screaming in pain. But until he put the words to what was so obvious to her she could do nothing but watch him dance around the truth, as sure as he danced around the Time Rotor, even if lately it was more of a waltz instead of his usual impromptu version of modern dance. His pace seemed to be a bit hesitant, like he had forgotten some of the steps in the dance that he needed to take for that final bow.

She asked him to tell her the story about the colors of the trees and the places he would run on his home planet, when Gallifrey was a world he loved and the Time War, in fact ANY war, were just stories told to scare children into behaving. He loved to tell her about it and would switch it up every now and then as his mind traveled back and grasped at the memories like invisible lifelines. This time he truly seemed to disappear as he told her, so immersed in that sea of time. It brought tears to his eyes and so to hers as well. He apologized afterwards, this proud and strong man prompting her, of course, to tell him that it was beautiful and not to apologize for something that moved him so. He opened his mouth as if to tell her something, something important…something she really needed to hear, but then became distracted by something on the monitor. He never mentioned it again.

And he hasn't told her another story since.


	2. Out of Time

_**"Don't it always seem to go,** _   
_**That you don't know what you've got till it's gone?"** _

**"Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell**

“ _Where are we going?”_ Rose asked as she sat on the jump seat while he moved around the console. His approach to doing something as mundane as piloting the ship (it had become that way after watching him long enough) made him appear to glide on air as he flipped one switch after the other. He looked over at her with a maddening grin saying _“Rose Tyler, that would be spoiling the surprise!”_

She kept poking at him over and over with the same question until he was practically running into the kitchen just to avoid hearing her anymore. The only give away was his smile as he ran. He loved teasing her like this and she knew it. Breathless, they giggled their way through the first half of their meal. Then they turned nostalgic as they discussed past experiences of running and saving the day. There was an air of camaraderie surrounding them as they completed each other's sentences, almost as if they shared one mind.

Then reality intruded on their conversation when the Tardis struck what sounded like a very ominous tolling bell that echoed around the old ship with the lights flickering in warning along with it.

And now, as he read the swirling words of his own language on the screen and listened to it playing from the speakers around him as well, he looked to be pulled as tight as a rubber band ready to snap.

Whatever it was seemed to concern him very deeply.

He was very worried, and she knew it.

“ _Doctor?_ ” she got up and walked over to him, approaching him like she would a scared animal who might run if he saw her getting closer. _“What’s wrong?_

He seemed to come out of his trance and noticed her standing right next to him. He paused with his hand over a lever and said, without looking her way….

“ _A distress call from an area of space where no one should exist.”_ Then he added somberly _, “Not anymore anyway.”_ Rose understood the meaning behind the words and placed one hand on his shoulder.

“ _What did the message say?”_ she prodded.   
  
“ _Weeelllll…’_ he gave her the first hint of a smile, but it was hollow and haunted. ‘ _It was more like an invitation that I really can’t say no to.”_

Rose caught his eye and, even though he was grinning there was something else behind it. Was that apprehension?

He sighed then and checked the monitor for about the 5th time in about that many minutes, replaying the audible version over and over until it just sounded like a scratchy old record to her.

“ _Will there be any running involved? I’ll get to break in my new pair of trainers…”_

“ _Rose,’_ he began, his hand leaving the console to take hers, _“I’m afraid you are not invited.”_

  
  



	3. Dancing in the Dark

She reacted just as he had predicted. She backed away from him a bit and began the grill….

“ _Well you aren’t going to listen to what it says, right? I mean, what if you need my help? What if something bad happens? Who is the message from anyway?”_

He cut her off. With so much to think about and a sense of dread weighing him down he needed to decide whether to ignore the message which frankly was very old or seek out the sender.

“ _Rose...sshhh...sshhh…. it’s ok, really it is. First of all, I haven’t even decided if I’m even going to respond. It is old, very old Rose and whoever sent it probably isn’t even around anymore. As for anything bad happening…. I doubt it really. Let’s just take it one step at a time, alright?”_

( _‘Don’t ask me...please don’t ask’_ he thought to himself. There was that one question still hanging in the air that he did not want to answer. But she was smart, too smart for her own good sometimes and yet many of the times just as smart as he needed her to be.)

“ _But what exactly did it say? I mean, what makes it an invite instead of a cry for help?”_

And there it was. He tried to deflect by pushing some more buttons on the other side of the console, acting like he did not hear the question. “ _Doctor?”_

“ _Rose?”_ he mumbled as she followed him around. He was pulling useless levers now, just to make it seem like he was busy. _“Doctor!?”_ She said, both of them sighing at once, losing patience with the other. He could lie and make up some farfetched story. But because he had already dug himself a hole with the ‘invite’ thing he might as well fall into it and tell her a little bit more.

He called her over to his side by the monitor and pointed at the patterns on the screen. _"You know I write my notes in high Gallifreyan? Well this is in old Gallifreyan which means that someone out there was not just your everyday citizen of the planet.”_ He paused, wondering what to say next but Rose filled in the gap.

“ _Does that mean that there is or was another Time Lord out there looking for someone else who had survived like you had?”_

“ _It might be, I am really not sure and that is what has me so perplexed….”_

“ _So did you pinpoint where it actually came from?”_

“ _Not yet but I think I will within the next hour or so.”_ Rose was going to say something else until he looked up her way and smiled.

“ _But I promise to tell you when I do, alright?”_ she just nodded and left him to it. _“Want me to bring your sandwich to you?”_ she said as she was walking down the hall and back to her own abandoned meal.

“ _Sure, yeah thanks….and a glass of milk chaser?”_ she giggled at the way he said it, all little boy with no hint of storm in his voice.

‘ _Even though I could use some Amastian HyperVodka right now’_ he muttered to himself.

“ _And a banana for the extra potassium?”_ she just waved him off with a nod and a smile. He watched her leave and would never, ever admit to craning his neck until he could no longer see her lovely form disappear down the hall.


	4. Echoes Down the Wire

“ _Time Lord beware, do not enter our space. A shadow of the Eternals walks hidden amongst us.”_

He read it and listened to it over and over, trying to decide how to approach this possible threat. The voice on the recording was garbled and actually somewhat familiar but the warning? Well first off it had said _“Time LORD”_ instead of Time Lords so he felt sure it was directed at him. But on top of that what it conveyed was a well-known warning. It was a standard deterrent sent out if any of the Eternals had taken the form of a person high in power as they tried to infiltrate the government and change things to their liking. It was common during the height of the Time Lords reign to hear some race or another try to get inside the citadel to create havoc. But it was a really sketchy balancing act when it involved the one race that even the Time Lords considered strong enough and old enough to be Gods. The Eternals pre-dated the Time Lords by who knows how long and even though they could shape-shift they could not regenerate and that made them both jealous and angry. And there was nothing more dangerous than a greedy, vindictive God.

What frightened him the most was that if they ever got so much of an inkling as to what was still bubbling away inside of Rose, they would take her as easily as slipping on a coat. She would cease to exist as the Rose everyone knew.

He wasn’t lying when he said that it was a very old message so he could, in all rights just pass it by. Fly away and continue on his journey; just the Doctor and Rose seeing new worlds while visiting some old.

The problem with that was remembering how time is irrelevant, especially within the blast zone where it created so many ripples that ‘very old’ could mean yesterday. There would always be that nagging feeling that he had left something undone if he had just filed it away. He had left a big part of the story out when he told Rose about the call for help/invitation because to him it was both. In his mind it was the same thing really; telling him to stay away when what it REALLY meant was ‘ _please save us, please help us._ ’ But who sent it and from where? Certainly not from Gallifrey which was no more than a bunch of rocks floating in space. What other planet or moon etc. would have been close enough for an Eternal to have hitched a ride to before the blast ever occurred? He listened again to the message and cleaned it up as best he could.

“ _No. Oh no, no, no it couldn’t be. That’s…. that’s not possible!”_

It had been staring him in the face this whole time! The voice, the old Gallifreyan writing, the position in space that it had come from.

Where else would an Eternal go if it knew there was only one place it would be safe.

_Karn_

And the voice brought back so many good memories.

“ _It sounds just like Ohila!”_

The implications alone would be off the scale. If it took one of the Sisterhood's high ranks as its own it could devastate the Sacred Flame of Eternal Life, if it still exists that is. They had spent their lives defending it because it helped produce the elixir of regeneration. The Sisters could give this out freely to any Time Lord they deemed worthy or in need. But it would not have any effect on an Eternal, it just would not work.

But he had heard that the Daleks had torn Karn apart anyway.

What if that was just a story? What if they were still there crying out to him for help? In the end, the ‘what if’s’ were too many to ignore.

And since he knew what might still be at stake, he had no choice.

The Sisterhood of Karn, an Eternal and a Time Lord all together in one space. The combined power could rip open time itself. At the very least this would be interesting. At most it could be deadly.

“ _Well,”_ he decided as he homed in on the signal and got ready to land on the 3rd moon hidden inside one of the golden rings of Arkeon in the Kasterborous system _“no matter what, I could never ignore a plea for help.”_


	5. Sinking

_**I could drag you from the ocean** _   
_**I could pull you from the fire** _   
_**And when you're standing in the shadows** _   
_**I could open up the sky** _   
_**And I could give you my devotion** _   
_**Until the end of time** _   
_**And you will never be forgotten** _   
_**With me by your side** _   
_**And I don't need this life I just need….** _

“ **Somebody to Die For”**

Rose hadn’t really thought too much more about the message until she had to hunt the Doctor down only to find him stretched out on the couch in the library. With his eyes closed he almost looked like he was sleeping but she knew better. Sleep was a rare pleasure that his restless body wanted no part of until he had no choice. He had one hand on his chest and the other arm tucked under his head. He hadn’t been reading because there was no book by his side. So why then was he….

“ _Hello Rose”_ he whispered, sensing her presence before she even made a sound. He unfolded himself and sat up, patting the seat next to him for Rose to sit down on. She smiled and gladly took up the space to his right. Before she could react, he took her hand in his and rubbed it with his thumb. The movement was soft and gentle, almost sensuous as he seemed to be trying to memorize just how her hand felt in his. He went over her palm, tracing the lines one by one. When he was done, he raised her hand to his mouth and kissed it gently before dropping it back down to the couch again, their fingers still entwined.

He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. He needed to explain it to her, tell her all of it in a way that she would understand and know how imperative it is that she does not follow him outside of the Tardis. She would be safe inside where not even an Eternal could force its way through her doors.

So, he started at the beginning, explaining how the Sisterhood helped mentor the young warriors at the academy until they had learned enough to graduate. He explained the Sacred Flame and how his mentor was Ohila, the leader of the Sisterhood who stayed in contact with him even after he had left Gallifrey the first-time round. Where his teachers, family and friends were all appalled that he would steal a Tardis, she was amused telling him that she knew he was going to do great things in his lives down the road. All these years and lifetimes he had hoped that she had survived what he himself had done to his own world because she was the one person above all others who seemed to really care.

“ _So you think this message is from her to try to warn you not to go there?”_ Rose had started playing with a string on the end of her blouse as she said this, a nervous habit she had picked up after their many stays in various jail cells. He sighed in defeat telling her that yes, he knew that voice and it had definitely been hers.

His mind was reeling from all the possibilities. If there was anything more he could do to protect Rose from what their immediate future might hold.

“ _Rose listen to me please….this is also involving a shape-shifting race called an Eternal who cannot, under any circumstances know about you and the little bit of the Time Vortex that I was unable to extract fully”_ Rose was quiet for a moment but then raised her head and met his hardened gaze with her own.

“ _I don’t care, Doctor, because you might need me, and I will not just sit here and wait for you to come back through those doors. I have to do something to help so don’t try to talk me out of it!”_

She did not understand, how could she? So, he knew he had to draw a stronger line in the sand. She began to stand so the Doctor stood as well, ready to do battle with her…. for her own sake. She walked stiffly out of the library, not looking back. He called after her in a tone that would cause most creatures to freeze mid step but not Rose. She was just too stubborn to heed his warning. So, he let her get as far as her room before slipping inside behind her and then slamming the door closed with such force that Rose actually jumped. Quickly grabbing his sonic he turned and locked it which only resulted in Rose spinning around to face him, all fire and barely contained rage at the fact that he would forcibly stop her from leaving.

With the metaphorical shadow of Jackie hovering near, she stepped up to him and slapped him hard just as much out of fear for his safety as out of anger. When he barely reacted, she lifted her hand to do it again, but he caught her wrist between his long fingers, grabbing her roughly and making her stop. Attempting to pull away just made him hold on even tighter, his fingers digging into the tender flesh there. She may have a slight bruise or two from his actions, but it would be nothing compared to what she would encounter if she did not do what he said. She struggled and fought him tooth and nail, all while yelling _“let me go”_ and _“you can’t just leave me behind while you head out there by yourself! I promise you I will be out that door right behind you!”_

His eyes took on the color of fire while his voice, now deepened and rough said,

“ _You WON’T follow me. You WON’T even open that door no matter who's knocking on it. Even if it is me!”_ he barked into her face.

He was trying to stay calm; he really was but he knew her too well and knew that she would not listen to anything he would say. His frustration mounted until he grabbed her harder, spun them both around until she was pressed against her door.

“ _You have the ability to give the Eternal just what it wants, and I won’t let that happen to you, do you hear me?!”_

He was shaking with a heady mix of anger and something else that he couldn’t put a name to. It was a foreign feeling which he did not have the time to analyze right then and there as it was hidden behind his barely controlled fury. His face was hard, and his lips pulled into a tight line. The ‘ _Oncoming Storm’_ came to the surface so quickly that even he felt the pull of the riptide it created. He was giving off waves of a whole different type of danger. His normal control slipped as he stared her down, his loud tone of voice now turned quieter but still full of fire. It was THIS voice that put fear into the hearts of so many.

“ _If it wanted to, and believe me it WILL want to, it could simply enter into your body and become you. Can’t you see that Rose? You...THIS you would cease to exist while your body would become a host for it. You would just be a shell inhabited by a creature much stronger than anything we have ever faced before. Do you understand now? How can I get it through that thick skull of yours??”_

He looked up at the coral ceiling as if asking for strength but received none. He was on his own with just his emotions, his words and his voice available to him to try to make her see the danger.

“ _I WOULD LOSE YOU AND NOT BE ABLE TO GET YOU BACK! You would be gone Rose, and for as long as I live I would be haunted by the moment I would be forced to destroy the creature inside of you by having to destroy its host. How could I ever take a knife and thrust it into you Rose? Or burn you into ashes? I don’t even know if I could do it without ending my own life at the same time.”_

It only took a second of contemplation to know the answer.

“ _Look at me Rose”_ he demanded, and she immediately responded, while the tears rolled down her cheeks as she did as he asked.

“ _I would do it Rose. I would end my own life without regenerating because if I did regenerate, I would still know what I had done. I would never forget what I had to do!”_

“ _I…’_ he closed his eyes and swallowed hard before opening them again. He placed his forehead against hers _…’I wouldn’t want to live anymore.”_

He was breathing heavily, seeing in his mind's eye the whole gruesome act playing out in front of him. To hell with the Universe, let it find a new protector. Before her blood had even dried on the blade, he would add his own to it. He would gladly allow this body to be consumed by the fire he himself would set to destroy her. The pain of feeling his own life leaving him would be nothing compared to the agony of losing her by his own hand. His own death would be a blessing. He so wanted to believe or at least hope that he would meet her on the other side.

She had still been struggling to free herself from his grip but when he spoke those last sentences she stopped cold. His voice had broken with so much emotion that when he made her look him in the eye all she saw were impossible sparks in the pool of dark brown. She could practically see the wheels inside his head turning, calculating, deciding many things at once.

She looked up at him and, in no more than a whisper said _“Doctor?,”_ breaking the stalemate between them. He had released her wrist when he felt the fight go out of her and without any further thought he pulled her into the safety of his arms. She placed her head against his chest where his hearts were beating double time and breathed him in, that familiar scent like burning wood and old library books that she had come to associate with safety, with home…with him.

It was a simple and quiet moment that stood in the emotional tsunami swirling all around them, knowing that if they were standing there just like that nothing could hurt them. He was the one who stood guard between her and all who might do her harm while she felt so very safe and so very cherished and yet ready to battle for his safety as well.

He moved his hand up to the back of her head where his fingers were grasping the soft strands of her hair before smoothing them out, over and over until he very abruptly stopped, fingers still entwined in her blonde strands as a realization took the air from his lungs. He had finally allowed someone else into a place where he always stood alone; the peaceful eye of the raging storm. Around them it continued to swirl because something inside of him felt unwilling to tame it.

And it had changed. She could feel it too. This was so new to him that he gasped when he realized that the danger was still there, but it wasn’t motivated by rage against some enemy, it was now an overpowering hunger and a need to possess. The feeling he had earlier that he could not name had now become so obvious. And it was focused with laser-like precision solely on the woman in his arms. He was still her protector but now he wanted to be more than that. He felt the spark that had been hidden deeply in his species suddenly rise up inside his very core. He wanted her in a way he had never wanted anyone before.

  
  


  
  



	6. Promises Will Have To Do

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/gp/190433625@N02/)

**"You have to promise me..."**

**'" _We don't need any armor_**  
 **_'Cause we got[spirit](https://www.definitions.net/definition/spirit) and that's enough_ **  
**_Our momentum's fire_ **  
**_Set it off like a cannonball_ **  
**_We're_ _[gonna](https://www.definitions.net/definition/gonna) _ _burn forever_ **  
**_It doesn't_ _[matter](https://www.definitions.net/definition/matter) _ _if_ _[tomorrow](https://www.definitions.net/definition/tomorrow) _ _there's a war_ **  
  
_**My love, oh, we're one** _  
_**And I run, I run to the battle** _  
_**Oh, I run, it doesn't** _ _**[matter](https://www.definitions.net/definition/matter) ** _ _**if** _ _**[tomorrow](https://www.definitions.net/definition/tomorrow) ** _ _**never comes** _  
_**My love, oh, we won** _  
_**And I run, I run to the battle** _  
_**Oh, I run, to you"** _

**"Battle" by David Guetta**

He uncaged it or rather it broke free all on its own when he stared into the depths of Roses’ eyes. Using a bit more force then he had intended he grasped her hair tightly and held her in place as his mouth came crashing down onto hers in an all-consuming kiss. There was no control, no thoughts beforehand as to how or why; just the taking of immediate action. Her subsequent gasp of surprise opened her up just enough for his tongue to pass through, letting him map out the warmth that now coated his tongue like honey. He truly felt that he had to have her in order to survive. She was the air he breathed, the reason for his existence. She was ‘everything.’ She. Was. His.

He felt her shock, her hesitancy and brushed it aside. Like any interference he had come up against in the past he drove right through it. He broke the kiss only to trail small nips under her jaw and up to her ear.

“ _Rose….”_ he murmured in a voice that even he didn’t recognize. His mind had shut down nearly every thought process that did not involve taking what he wanted, so rational thinking was not available to him. He could not finish the sentence, so he showed her instead.

When he said her name in that dark, breathy tone right against her ear all she could do was moan. That seemed to flip the last switch inside him as he got a fresh grip on her hair and pulled her head back tight. He sucked hard at the hollow of her throat knowing there would be a mark there. _“Good’_ he thought, _‘the first of many”_ then he ran his tongue up and over her chin until he claimed her mouth again.

She had been so overwhelmed by his normally lukewarm demeanor turned up to scalding that all she could do was react. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back with a fervor. Her tongue warred with his making him actually growl deep in his throat, a sound not heard by any Time Lord since before Rassilon changed all the rules about intimacy.

It was as if they had stepped out of the calm eye into the storm itself. He could see timelines swirling around them and with it he saw so many possibilities that did not end well. But it all depended on his actions. It was all down to him.

He needed her so badly that his body ached. But he also knew that if he allowed himself to give into that need right then and there, he was at risk of not leaving at all. It would never be enough, but it had to be. At least for now. Lives were at stake, including hers. Especially hers.

Even while they ravaged each other this internal conflict pushed its way through to the forefront of his mind. He shook with anger at what he knew was the correct choice to make and it was that realization that made him ball up his fist and slam it hard into the door, hard enough to leave an indentation into the wood.

He placed both hands on her cheeks, his hard kiss turning into something more tender until he released her all together.

“ _Promise me Rose, you have to promise me that you will not open that door. Say it, I need to hear you say it, please.”_

She looked up at him, her lips a bit swollen from the passion he had unleashed and reluctantly agreed, _“I promise”_ she whispered. He sighed in relief but then she added, _“But YOU have to promise that you will come back to me.”_

He smiled at her and then nodded as he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. He looked down, then let out a single audible breath before looking back into her eyes.

“ _We’re not finished here, Rose Tyler, not by a long shot.”_ he swallowed hard and added, _“I always finish what I start and I plan on finishing this. I can promise you that.”_

He did not need to explain himself further. They both knew exactly what he meant.

Then he gave her one more swift kiss, grabbed his coat and stepped out the door to meet his fate.


	7. The Warriors Rightful Place

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/gp/190433625@N02/7o5j75)

“ _ **The Warriors Gate”**_  
 _ **“The Sacred Flame”**_  
 _ **“The Under City”**_

**Chapter 5: The Warrior’s Rightful Place**

  
" _ **Another reason**_  
 _ **Another cause**_ **** **** _ **for me to fight**_  
 _ **Another fuse uncovered**_  
 _ **Now, for me to light**_  
 _ **My dedication**_  
 _ **To all that I've sworn**_ _ **to protect"**_

“ **Indestructible” by Disturbed**

 _**"Not a yes sir, not a follower** _  
_**Fit the box, fit the mold** _  
_**Have a seat in the foyer, take a number** _  
_**I was lightning**_ _**before the thunder"** _

“ **Thunder” by Imagine Dragons**

**Day One**

From the second he left the Tardis he felt a chill run through his body. The temperature was quite cold, but he should have been able to handle that without any kind of physical reaction. _No_ he decided, _the temperature was not causing this._ It was comparable to a cat with its hackles up or a human fight or flight reaction. It was his body's call to action mixed in with wariness. With so much power now located in the same place it should not have surprised him to have such a feeling come over him.

To both hinder and help his situation in the fast-approaching night was a violent storm. The lightning crashed all around him, helping to illuminate his steps on the very worn path. He had landed right outside the Warriors Gate, far enough away from Karn’s settlement and the prying eyes of everyone there. Anything he could do to keep Rose out of the picture. The structure was massive, it’s magnificent arches rising tall and proud above him as he made his way through them.

Most species and even some Time Lords could not tolerate the energy it produced, but he could. All the vibrations of those who went before filled him with the strength to move forward. This was the one place where most TimeLines flowed through at some point or another, dancing apart from the ones that did not matter and seeking and finding the ones that did. He could see them all as they circled around him in almost a caress, knowing that he was their guardian, the very last Time Lord. This was the only place where a Time Lord could see his own fate, if he so desired, with most of them fighting the impulse knowing that the future was best hidden from their own view. He was no exception.

( _ **Sister Andula)**_

He took in as much power as the gate was willing to give before making his way to the other side. Once through, he could see the old settlement where the Sisters would congregate but it was so very quiet. Where was everyone? Suddenly, up ahead in the distance he could make out a figure wearing a long red robe holding a staff walking towards him. As the person got closer he recognized her as being Sister Andula, one of the youngest initiates at the time of his youth. He smiled at her as they faced each other but all he got in return was a scowl. He bowed slightly in reverence then started asking her about the rest when she cut him off.

“ _You should not have come. Didn’t you get the warning beacon that was sent? We specifically directed it to you and what do you do….you show up anyway!”_

She emphasized each word with a poke into his side with her walking stick.

“ _I thought I could help!”_ he countered _, “if you remember me at all you know that I will always aid those in need. Where is everyone else, by the way, and how many are there now?”_

“ _We have taken to the deeper caves that lead directly to the heart of the Flame. It keeps us warm and gives us hope during the cold winter.”_

“ _And what of Sister Ohila?”_ he asked, anxious to see his old friend again.

“ _She stays seated next to the Flame most of the time, telling our younger members about her days with you and the other young warriors at the Academy. She enjoyed those days so much, especially watching you grow.”_

The Doctor felt truly honored and humbled that she would remember their time together so fondly and that she would pass it down to her young charges.

“ _I would take you to see her but there is no time. You must leave. With an Eternal in our midst it is too tempting for this creature to have a Time Lord and his young female who has time coursing through her veins to be here. You know as well as I do that you are both in danger when the Ancient one comes face to face with you. A Time Lord is no match for a being like that.”_

The Doctor met her fathomless gaze with his own.

_"You underestimate me Sister. I have met many cruel and evil creatures in my lives’ and am still here to tell you about them. This is not bravado, it is merely a fact. Plus when you throw my companion into the mix you can be sure that I will not fail, even if it costs me my lives’.”_

Sister Andula heard his strong words and knew the faith he had in his convictions. She tilted her head and closed her eyes briefly then she merely shrugged her shoulders and began to walk towards the entrance to the under-city.

“ _I do not underestimate your power Time Lord. I can feel it rippling through the air around us. Even the Timelines speak of the growth you have made through your many battles and subsequent hardships. Perhaps it is my own concern that you have underestimated the creature within our midst? It has been a long time since you have come up against one such as this.”_

He became thoughtful and was mulling over what she had said when she added.

“ _Prepare yourself for the hard decisions you will have to make. Your lives or the life of the wolf. The only savior the universe has ever known or the short existence of one human female. The bonfire that will rage out of control with your loss compared to the extinguishing of a single small flame. Whichever you decide is the greater sacrifice is a burden you must carry alone forever”_


	8. An Easy Choice to Make

The Doctor stopped mid step to stare at his guide. 

_“You speak as if I don’t already know what the burdens are that I carry on my shoulders. I don’t need any type of telepathy or knowledge of Timelines to discern exactly what your feelings are on the matter, Sister. With all due respect, because there is this little thing called free will, my companion's life is not mine to give. It is HER life…..”_

The Sister turned to him, her own anger at what she believes is his ignorance coming out,

_“Which she would trade in a heartbeat to keep you safe, am I not correct?”_

He knew she was right but remembered her promise to him to not open the door. But would she keep that promise if she really thought it meant whether he lives or dies? What if the rules were reversed and it was he who made that promise? 

He looked at Sister Andula, all anger drained from him with only the realization that what she said would probably be true remaining.

_“Ahhh, I can see that your eyes are finally opened. Good. So again I will tell you that you should fly away from this place and not look back, not once. You have already stayed too long and with every step we take forward you have a longer walk back to freedom and safety._ ”

He didn’t take a second to answer her with his truth.

_“I can’t, not without making sure the Eternal leaves as well. You deserve to live out your lives in peace. When you said that I have a responsibility to the universe you have to remember that you are part of it and right now you are the ones who need my help.”_

The Doctor, now having gotten his point across and walking more briskly forward needed to know more about what exactly tipped them off to the presence of the shape shifter.

_“At first we noticed a change in the Timelines, how they seemed to be separating and not finding their way to their chosen. Some seemed tattered, almost ripped into pieces. We felt a shift in the wind that had always heralded something dangerous, even evil. Then we lost Sister Danila in her sleep. We had even checked when her fellow Sister came to get us because she couldn’t wake her for her chores. Then moments later she opened her eyes and we all thought we had made a mistake. It began to happen over and over, one Sister after another until we believed there had been some sort of sickness which took hold and then vanished as fast as it had arrived.”_

_“And how were the Sisters who recovered?”_ he began to process it all with just a few more pieces left to the puzzle.

_“They began to feel weak to the point where they not only couldn't do their chores, they barely had enough energy to raise themselves out of their beds. We have to check on them daily to make sure they have received nourishment and that, with a few, are still breathing. As to why we believe it is an Eternal, one of the Sisters ....Sister Nouna, kept a journal and she had written that she had seen a shadow figure fall over her friend like a shroud while she was sleeping. She stated that the creatures' eyes were as red as blood.”_

Outwardly the Doctor did not react but inside, inside he was remembering his first run in with an Eternal. He had learned not long before how to shore up his mental shields and to always keep an eye out for someone or something trying to break through. Up until the war, Gallifrey was a popular stop off for many species who just wanted to experience the beauty of his home world and the Time Lords had been more than accommodating. 

But that is when the Eternals became more than just a myth. He had watched one materialize in an alley once, just a swirl of black smoke that took the shape of a common biped with the same blood red eyes that the Sister described. It had reached out for him mentally and touched his mind only briefly before he was able to push back and protect himself. The Eternal must have been as surprised as he had been because it did not come at him again, it just dispersed until only the shadows of the alley remained. He never forgot that moment or what it felt like to have that kind of darkness inside his mind, as brief as it was.

_“I would like to speak with Sister Nouna first to find out anything more she might have seen.”_ he was happy to know that someone had witnessed first-hand what had happened.

It was when they had finally entered the cave and began to descend that Sister Andula told him, in almost a whisper…

_“We never found her; we only found her journal. This had happened over 60 suns rises ago, and we still do not know where she disappeared to.”_

The Doctor wasn’t surprised to hear this as the Eternal must have noticed her and did away with its only witness.

At the bottom of the steps he peered into the darkness and could barely make out one lone figure sitting next to the Sacred Flame, talking to 3 young women, also dressed in the red robes of the older Sisters. The elder looked in his direction, caught his eye and stood with the help of her younger charges and her staff. The Time Lord rushed forward to help but when he reached her the elder merely waved him off. 

He didn’t let up though and with his words, said in his native tongue _“You helped me become who I am today, it is my turn to_ _help you,”_ to which she acquiesced


	9. The Mentor

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50552399008/in/dateposted-public/)

_**(** S_ ** _isters Andula, Ohila and Nouna)_ **

He took her elbow in hand to help steady her and she didn’t try to stop him this time. Once she was finally on her feet, she put both hands on his shoulders and closed her eyes, a broad smile finally breaking free and brightening her older face. 

He could feel her energy as it coursed through her hands down to his very core, making him feel like it would be his turn to fall to the ground just from all the memories and the love that swirled around them both. She then placed her hands on his cheeks, touching him with the tips of her fingers, remembering him in a very moving way. He looked into her eyes and was shocked to see that both of them were covered with milky white cataracts. 

Sister Ohila was blind.

She reached for his hand and placed it against her own cheek, with his fingers resting at her temple. It was a wordless request that he understood completely. He nodded and ever so gently entered her mind as she entered his.

He found himself walking in the woods with the heady aroma of Canna, one of his favorite flowers from Gallifrey hanging in the air. He found Sister Ohila with her bright red robes standing in a clearing. Her eyes were clear and filled with all the wisdom she had garnered during her long life. He bowed to her in respect but before he could straighten back up she had her arms around him in a fierce hug. He returned her embrace. They sat by a small, clear pond and for a moment there was only silence between them, both lost in the past. Finally, she spoke into his mind.

_“You are in love, my little Lord”_

It wasn’t a question, just a statement of fact. He was all ready to tell her that she was mistaken when he felt her fingers against his lips. 

_“Do not even attempt to deny what shines clearly from your hearts.”_ She looked up at him and gasped, _“you hide it even from_ _yourself?”_ She began to laugh, her high trilling chuckle that he had missed so much. 

_“She is very special, both to you and to the universe._ _Her essence_ _must be protected at all costs.”_ She was going to continue when she stopped and reached her hand over to rest on top of his. Tears were welling in her eyes.

_“My dearest young one, as happy as I am to have you here our time will not last. You must take the owner of your hearts and leave and do so now. The Eternals have no interest in an old woman like me who cannot see and the young ones cannot contain their essence so there is only Andula whose shields are weakening daily.”_

_“The Eternals, they...they have taken so many of my friends. My fellow sisters are nothing more than walking corpses”_

His brows knitted together in thought and concern. 

_“Eternals? How many are there?”_

Her quiet sobs tore at his hearts as her tears fell into the pool of water. He realized this pond was created from her sorrow. Fitting she would meet him here in her mind. Instead of reaching forward to hold her he folded his mind around hers, shielding her as best he could. 

_“There are five Eternal’s in our midst, I believe.”_

Five! He thought to himself, how stupid could he be! Why he never considered that possibility he wasn’t sure but now he felt like the proverbial mouse in a lair of lions. His tactics must shift in order to avoid the threat. Instead of making the Eternal leave, he now knew his mission had changed to one of rescue. He needed to get the two Sisters plus the young ones to the Tardis and, if possible, a member of the flame they have guarded. He will find them a world where they can rebuild and feed the flame until it roars to life once again. His internal contemplation was broken by another thought.

_“Why didn’t you say that in your distress beacon? You made it seem like there was only one…”_

She seemed shocked by his statement.

_“I never sent out a beacon!”_

_“If that wasn’t you then someone here had used your voice to trick me into believing it was. And, whoever it was somehow knew that I would do the opposite of it’s intent._ _They knew if I_ _heard your voice I would come to help.”_

Sister Ohila sat staring at him with her hands over her mouth in shock.

_“My Doctor, it is too late...too late. If it was my voice which brought you here then listen to it now when I say that I am sorry. Remember that it is the Wolf that carries the true flame. We are merely in her service. Protect her, not us, not me. Oh, my little Lord...your Timeline...it’s...it’s…”_

He never heard her finish her thought. She grew silent as she looked around and saw that her usual clear forest had filled with a dark, ominous cloud. Immediately she enveloped his mind and locked it down inside her own. He felt the darkness then and joined her in holding off the intruding presence. But it wasn’t enough. There was more than one pressing in on them so she did the only thing she could to protect him; she opened her mind wide to the Eternals while shutting him out completely. With all the attention on her, he was able to retreat back into his own mind relatively unscathed. 

_“NO!”_ he cried out, trying to return to the fight for her mind and soul but it was too late, her thoughts were locked down tight with no way in. In her final act of love for him she had thrown up her mental shields, as strong as any jail cell he had ever found himself in, catching the Eternals inside. He cried as he laid her down, holding the back of her hand against his cheek and then kissing it. 

“ _Time Lord beware, do not enter our space. A shadow of the Eternals walks_ _hidden amongst us.”_

The voice came from behind him, repeating the message he had heard but now in a mocking, sing-song fashion. 

_“Hidden no longer, Time Lord”_

He turned to see Sister Andula hovering over the body of Ohila.

_“Tsk, tsk...now that was rude of her as I am sure you agree”_

She turned to look at him then, her red eyes blazing with anger.

If what she was showing was anger it was nothing compared to the storm that swirled around them both emanating from the depths of his soul. She ignored him and reached her hand forward until it touched Ohila’s temple.

 _“I think…”_ she said in a very deep voice, _“that if I ended her_ _feeble existence it would release my brethren. Any opinion on that theory, Doctor?”_

As much as he wanted to answer he allowed her to babble on, _“...or I could leave her alive as my trapped brother and sisters filled her mind with their own unique brand of torture. Oh...the nightmares we can raise within her.”_ she stroked the Sisters still face with her sharp nails. 

_“She will probably die of the terror we inflict before I ever need to intervene.”_

He laughed then, a loud and nearly hysterical sound coming out. She looked at him, the confusion written all over her face.

Catching his breath the Doctor said, _“Oh I think you have it_ _backwards. When I was very young she and I played an Earth game called chess, she was always one or two steps ahead of me._

_She never lost. Ever.”_

He stood now and faced Andula, laughter totally absent from his voice.

_“So if you think that any of you could infect her with your own sick fears it will be she who will never bend or break. Your brother and sisters will never be free because even in death her mind is stronger than an army of your pathetic excuse of shapeshifters. You might as well consider your brother and sisters gone for good. Consider them dead and good riddance.”_

He took a step towards her until they were standing toe to toe.

 _“And to think most Time Lords used to worship your pathetic race”_ he said, shaking his head in disbelief. _“You might have_ _predated us, but that was where any admiration should have ended. My only regret is that you survived the Time War. I guess I wasn’t thorough enough when I destroyed everyone there.”_

Now it was Andula who stepped away from him.

_“It was YOU?! You are the one responsible for Gallifrey’s destruction? You are the one who destroyed my clan! Not all of us made it away in time, in fact most of us didn’t and it was you all along that we have been seeking revenge upon!”_

The Doctor met her barely contained rage with a simple smirk.

 _“Here I am Andula or whatever your real name is...does your kind even have names or do you get confused by all the bodies you steal?”_ He began to circle her as he spoke.

_“Anyway, where was I...oh yeah right, well ‘poor excuse for a sentient being’ here I am in front of you so I am wondering what kind of revenge you plan on inflicting on me? Considering that you can’t inhabit my mind now that Ohila helped shore up my already strong defenses before she pushed me away.”_

It was just a quick glance that she gave over his shoulder but he caught it too late. One minute he was taunting the creature within Sister Andula and the next he was down on his knees from a blow he received to the back of his head. A second blow connected and he was knocked out cold. 


	10. The Dagger, the Chain & the Chalice

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/gp/190433625@N02/7LXmd5)

_ ** "Gotta do what you can just to keep your love alive, ** _   
_ ** Trying not to  ** _ _ ** confuse ** _ _ ** it with what you do to survive." ** _

** "Running on Empty" by Jackson Browne **

**Day 6**

The first thing he noticed was that his skull felt like it was going to explode or possibly that it had already. He remembered then that he had been hit on the head from behind and cursed himself for allowing that to happen. The second thing he noticed, that came very quickly after the first, was that he was naked from the waist up with his wrists bound by chains stretched painfully back around a large rock, holding him quite securely. Finally, his ankles were bound tightly together as well, stretched out in front of him on the cold stone floor.

“ _I see our honored guest is finally awake.”_

A face came into view, one that he did not recognize.

“ _Hello there!”_ the hooded figure said to him in a cheery voice, _“Oh I am sorry where are my manners, you can call me Sister Nouna. I apologize for not introducing myself before now but I have been busy hiding away.”_

The Doctor tried to speak through his very dry throat, to make his voice sound strong. It didn’t work.

“ _I would say ‘nice to meet you’ but first of all it isn’t, and secondly I appear to be all tied up at the moment so I really can’t shake your hand.”_

The entity smiled at him as she checked the chains and then with a little wave and an evil grin, she left him behind to mull over his latest predicament in the small cave. He could see that outside Sister Ohila was still lying by the Sacred Flame, unmoving. He looked around to see what he could but there was nothing about where he was that was special. A few shelves with various sized bottles and some tunnels that looked like they went in various directions from the central area that Ohila was in. It was cold and dimly lit with only a few candles strewn about. The walls were smooth and black and there did not seem to be any other exits from the particular spot he was in. He attempted to wiggle a bit to loosen the chains but that only succeeded in doing more harm than good. Then he tried to find a sharp edge that could help weaken the bindings a little with no success. The large rock appeared to be made out of the same smooth stone lining the cave itself and was completely round. Although never one to give up he realized that, barring the sudden generosity of his hosts he was pretty much stuck.

While he waited for someone to return, his mind drifted to thoughts of Rose. He had been gone now for over 6 Earth days so he knew that she was probably panicking. He hoped that she remembered the promise she made to him. He most certainly did and with great pleasure too. He had been so conflicted as he stood there facing her, on his way to fight a cunning shape shifter and not knowing if he would ever see her again. All of his deeper emotions at war with so many things; his responsibilities, his upbringing, what his fellow Time Lords would think if they knew the depth of feelings he had for a species they considered to be barely out of infancy on an evolutionary scale. And then there was his old favorite fall back, the knowledge that he would outlive her and would have to endure that loss for the rest of his lives. All of them seemed to sit on his shoulders like small demons saying _“See! See what happens when you let down your guard!”_

He came so close to just running away, telling her again not to open the door, grabbing his coat and leaving before letting it get any harder to do so.

But even as the war raged within, he found himself unconsciously drawing her closer until she was wrapped securely in his arms. This hadn’t been the usual hug he would give her after a job well done on some distant world with people in peril. Nor was it the closeness of them saying good morning or good night. This had been something _more._ Something close to sacred, something that sprung from his deeper need to keep her safe. As long as he was holding her against him nothing could hurt her. At that moment, just for that briefest flicker of time she was alive and warm and protected. He remembered how suddenly everything that had been rattling around in his head which told him _‘don’t’_ fell away. It was just meaningless background chatter that could not compete with the feeling of her singular heart beating against both of his, or the scent of her skin as it pressed against his nose. Yes, he was holding her tight but he needed more of her, to be closer still. If the hug had been a promise of his protection then his mouth on hers had been a declaration of his desire, the exclamation point at the end of the sentence. And oh, how it surpassed his very powerful imagination, having pictured that moment many times before. The taste of her, how she responded by opening herself to him which had forced a very low growl of possession from his throat. He wanted her and did not want to wait. There was even a moment where he could not remember why he needed to.

As his passion rose he felt himself harden, which was something that he ordinarily had control over. Directing blood flow was a useful trick he would employ when he wanted to ramp up or tamp down his reactions. To have this reaction without willing it was a very pleasant shock that no amount of forcing his blood flow elsewhere could fix. His body was on autopilot.

Then reality came crashing back and that is when he understood that the only way to really protect her, and Sister Ohila for that matter, was to go out there and deal with the enemy face to face. His instincts told him that sometimes the only way to protect someone you care deeply for was to separate yourself from that person, at least temporarily.

So he let her go with the promise that he would return. He didn’t lie to her, he truly believed he would get back to show her just how serious he had been when he kissed her. But sitting there all alone with no bargaining chip to play he felt that his promise was not that at all. It was just a wish, a dream of him defeating the monsters and coming home the hero as always. And, as time passed without his return he hoped that she could forgive him. And if the Tardis obeys his last wish and keeps her safe, then he hopes that she will forgive him for that too someday.

It was 3 hours, 12 minutes and 31 seconds later that both of the entities returned. His arms were sore, his body chilled and his mouth parched. But his senses were still sharp and on high alert when he saw them enter. In their hands they carried two chalices filled with some sort of liquid and a dagger. He eyed them suspiciously as they put the objects down on the ground and then sat at his feet, looking him over. His own eyes were drawn to the implements they brought in, particularly the knife. He knew it well, having possessed one much like it when he fought in the war. It was a Monustici, or ‘ _Karambit_ as they were called back on Earth with a curved blade and precisely balanced so that no matter what position the wielder may find themselves in, in water or wind, upside down underneath an attacker or possibly a throwing distance away it didn’t matter. They would be able to use it to their advantage.

More importantly, it was also known to be a Ceremonial Dagger whose primary use was, he suspected, unknown to the Eternals in front of him. True that it could be effectively used as its appearance intended but there would be a heavy price to pay as the cries of every life it took would echo in the blade. Those echoes of the dead were masked within the hilt to all but Time Lords.

But even with all that, there was one more thing it was used for. It was considered the honorable thing for any Time Lord who believed he was a danger to others to use the dagger to take his own life. Then all the other voices within it would be silenced as the souls of the taken would be freed to move on, replaced by the soul of the Time Lord. He really didn’t think the Eternals knew everything about the dagger but then again, they might be a step ahead of him, he could not be sure. They were giggling to each other like school children so he thought he would play along.

“ _I have a question that I neglected to ask earlier but I don’t want to interrupt your fun time. Oh well why not...could one of you cute kids tell me where the 3 younger girls went off to? They had been around Sister Ohila when your brethren decided to crash the party. How are they by the way? Still stuck inside Ohila’s mind I am guessing. Don’t want to say I told you so, but...well….”_

He wore a broad smile and chuckled when he finished which earned him a vicious back handed slap across his face that would have made at least 20 Jackie Tyler’s proud. He was hit so hard and with such force in fact, that it rammed his already bruised head back against the rock. He could feel the stickiness from his own blood as more of it oozed out of his already cut scalp.


	11. Hopeless

_**"Here is a song from the wrong**_ _**side of town** _  
_**Where I'm bound**_ __ _**to the ground** _ ****_**by the loneliest** _ ****_**sound** _  
_**And it pounds**_ ****_**from within** _ ****_**and is pinning** _ ****_**me down** _  
  
_**Here is a page from the emptiest**_ _**stage** _  
_**A cage or the heaviest**_ __ _**cross ever made** _  
_**A gauge**_ ****_**of the deadliest** _ _**trap ever laid"** _

**"Home" by Depeche Mode**

  
**"** _**Is there**_ _ **something you need from me?** _  
_**Are you having**_ **** _ **your fun?** _  
_**I never**_ **** _ **agreed to be** _  
_**Your Holy One** _  
_**Whatever I've done** _  
_**I've been staring**_ **** _ **down the barrel**_ **** _ **of a gun"** _

**"Barrel of a Gun" by Depeche Mode**

The creature inside Sister Andula came face to face with him and said, _“And let it not be forgotten that only a short time has passed since my “I told you so,” was heard by your own ears when I tried to warn you to leave. Now your time is up, Time Lord and we will make you pay for killing so many of us. We will torture you until you beg for death, but we will never grant that wish. We will bathe in the fires of your regeneration and enjoy every moment of it.”_

She moved away from him and more calmly answered his most pressing question.

“ _The young initiates, if you must know, have been taken off-world by a Litonian freighter who paid us quite handsomely for them. The captain himself assured me they would be well taken care of.”_

They were laughing again, waiting for his reaction which was immediate.

“ _No…. not even you would stoop so low as to sell children into slavery. You know as well as I how they will be treated on Litonia...’_ he couldn’t help but raise his voice, the storm inside him raging but captive against that damn rock …’ _their lives will be pretty much cut short by what they will do to them...what they will make them do.”_

This just made them laugh more which made him burn even hotter. He was so angry that he was sure the chains would melt away. The creature inside Sister Andula merely smiled at his torment, turned away from him and picked up the larger of the two chalices and also the knife. Walking slowly toward him with menace written all over her distorted face. He watched her with equally defiant hatred as she looked him over for what purpose he had no idea.

“ _Because the last thing we want you to feel is comfortable we mixed together a very special brew just for you. You would be surprised at the amount of tinctures and medicinal plants and herbs that they store here.’_ She made a sweeping motion with her arm to show him she meant the entire underground dwelling. ‘ _And lucky for you, or not so lucky as the case may be,_ _we retained the knowledge of our kind hosts.”_

She knelt again and looked him in the eye.

“ _You still need to atone for your sins after what you did to so many species and ours as well because of your reckless actions. So, first things first tell us, are you sorry for your transgressions against so many species?”_

The Doctor knew the answer to that question but would be damned if he was going to give them any more ammunition than they already had. After all, he carried more blood on his hands than any other being in the history of the universe and they knew that. So, he worded his response carefully once he decided to go ahead and answer them at all.

“ _Hmmm….’_ he began, _‘...some. A few more than others. For instance, the Abberaff Gruff’s who lived on Abberaff 7. Nice bunch of furry little creatures who never meant anyone any harm. Luckily, I visited their world not long after the war and actually found 4 left, three females and one male all of whom I transported to another planet where they now reproduce at an astounding rate. You would not BELIEVE how many there are now, I mean…”_

With barely a sound and faster than he could possibly have calculated he saw the blur that was Sister Andula raise the dagger and then felt it as it ripped through the material of his trousers and then cut the skin of his thigh. He never saw it coming so he could not suppress the cry of agony that escaped his lips. The beast that was inside Andula cackled along with her sister when they knew they had hurt him bad enough to produce that reaction. The Doctor was breathing heavy in shallow gasps, gritting his teeth against the pain.

Once again Andula asked, “ _Now_ _are you sorry for your transgressions against so many species?”_

He just gathered up his courage and strength and replied, _“Yes I am but not when it comes to you lot. They deserved to die, and I swear an oath as the last of my kind that you will join them soon enough.”_

Andula placed the knife at his throat and pressed it in enough to draw a few tiny beads of blood but this time he did not flinch. She backed away and was replaced by her sister who carried the larger of the two chalices. She smiled at him and said, _“Let me clean that leg wound for you to make sure it doesn’t get infected.”_

She knelt over him and tilted the cup until only one small drop splashed onto his thigh. He saw it in slow motion when the drop left the goblet and then he swore he had heard the liquid hit his skin. But actually, the only sound he was hearing was the sizzle of burning flesh.

And the screams he emitted as they echoed off the stone walls.


	12. Deja-Vue

**_"And I thank you for bringing me here  
For showing me home  
For singing these tears  
Finally I've found that I belong here"_ **

**"Home" by Depeche Mode**

Rose tried so very hard to keep her focus on the door but finally she couldn’t hold off sleep any longer. Lying on the jump seat, her dreams of a happy reunion turned into nightmares of torture. Her own screams were what finally woke her, her eye’s flying open and her body trembling. She blinked, surveying the space around her as if she had never seen it before until her eyes landed on the door. Like a bullet she ran to it and peered through the hole. By now the suns were reflecting their brightness off the blowing snow which contrasted with the desert landscape she could see on the mountains in the distance.

All she could think about was him alone, maybe abandoned in the drifts or in pain somewhere with no one to help. He was not dead or wearing a new face...her mind refused to even consider either possibility. In her best estimate he had been gone over 3 days, way more than either of them had expected. Instinctively she reached for the handle and began to turn it, her nightmares at the forefront of her mind. But it would not budge. She began fighting with it, determined to get out at all costs and to hell with the promise she made. She could feel the danger he was in and knew, beyond any shadow of a doubt that he needed her.

As she fought to leave, there were noises behind her, a beep and a whoosh sound that was so familiar in a sad and frightening way that it forced her to turn and look. As she expected she came face to face with the Doctor, standing there in hologram form, both hands in his pockets, but this time he was at his full height, standing next to the console staring at her. He must have made changes to the part of the Tardis that handles such things, showing him in a much more realistic form than her first Doctors’ hologram.

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50553073431/in/dateposted-public/)

_“Rose, if you are seeing this it probably means one of two things, or maybe both. One is that you are trying to leave, when we both know that is a very bad idea. You can’t rescue me Rose, you have to stay exactly where you are so that the Tardis can keep you safe. Nothing can hurt you there, you understand that more than most, so you have to stay put. If you came looking for me and something were to happen to you it would destroy me Rose. I could not go on knowing that you lost your life trying to save mine. Don’t even try to do what you did last time. I have secured all the parts so that you can’t open her up again._

_The second thing that might be the reason I have popped up now is that I have not returned yet. So, anticipating the worst, the Tardis will sense when it is time to leave and will take you home._

  
_Now I know what you must be thinking but you would be wrong. I am doing this because you are the most important thing to me and not because you are insignificant. And you are most definitely NOT a ‘stupid ape’ as my prior self-liked to call you. I am sorry that he...that I ever called you that. You are important not only to me but to everything and everyone whose lives you have touched and will still touch even in my absence. I am not going to be selfish and keep you to myself. You have proven time and again how special you are, and you need to continue to spread that around.”_

He looked down and took a deep holographic breath before looking back at her, his deep brown eyes looking into her honey colored ones.

_“Sometimes Rose, things don’t go as planned and no matter how positive we start out it just doesn’t end up that way. You have to accept that. Wherever I am or whatever I am going through the one thing that I will forever hold on to will be your image and your strength. See, you don’t need to rescue me because in a way you already have ....”_

He paused here and she thought he was finished until he offers her one of his trademark smiles before continuing.

_“So that is it, Rose Tyler. I am so very lucky to have met you and that you decided to come along with me. You made me better Rose; you have made everything so much better. I have loved our time together, loved our adventures and how you have saved me...sometimes even from myself._

_But most of all Rose, above all of this you have taught this old warrior what love really is. You have shown me so much, you think it has been the other way around, but it has really gone both ways. I love you Rose because of all you have given me and because of who you are, just remember that ok? Just remember that I love you, plain and simple.”_

His image faded until it was just the time rotor, the console and herself in a very lonely room. It was a very good thing he had ended when he had because she never would have seen the rest of him through her tears.


	13. In Retrospect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How to NOT regenerate, that is the question.

**Day 7**  
  
They had left him alone to ponder everything that had transpired since they first began their 'interrogation' of him and his part in the war.  
  
The first time they had questioned him his answers had been frivolous and flippant, not caring about what they wanted to know. He was happy that almost all their clan had perished; 'good riddance' he thought and told them so. Every time he dismissed them, they would up the torture to another level. He understood torture, he has had his share. They were the oldest of friends, in fact. But this was so much more than what his broken body could tolerate.  
  
Cut after cut and drop after drop he received until his throat was hoarse from the screaming. The Eternal within Sister Nouna told him that he had to give them the wolf that held all of time inside and he couldn't help but laugh through his agony. Again, she struck out with her knife and the liquid fire and tore into any flesh that had remained until then, unmarked. He flat out told them 'no' when they repeatedly asked until he was left with more blood outside of his body then within. All in all, he counted around 25 or so cuts, some superficial, some deep...well, most deep. When they had unlocked the chains saying that they were going to go find his Tardis and convince Rose to let them in he had just hoped that his oh so smart ship could stand firm between them.  
  
Or maybe she had already left to take Rose home.  
  
He hoped so, he really did.  
  
He knew he had lost a lot of blood judging by the depth of the cuts he had received and the amount of it on the ground around him. Even though he could tolerate the cold better than most because of his normally low body temperature, he could tell that it was below freezing to start with, and the loss of blood was possibly putting him in shock. They had finally untied him and left him alone on the cave floor, knowing he was really in no condition to run. Or to crawl for that matter.  
  
The knife and the smaller chalice with what he assumed was water was left on the floor next to him and he was torn between taking up the blade and either using it on them if they returned or using it on himself because he didn't think he would survive much longer anyway. Just bleeding out would take too long but if he used the knife and finished what they started then he could regenerate and go after them. That is if he could bypass any regenerative sickness. He sighed knowing that he would probably not be able to get by with that one. No, he had to stay in this body and finish what he had started. Somehow.  
  
In fact, he was surprised just a bit that he hadn't felt even a spark of regenerative energy yet. He didn't want to change but he really didn't get much say in the matter so he just chalked it up to the lowered temperature both inside the cave and at his core.  
  
His thoughts turned to even more somber possibilities. Such as what if the Tardis is still there and somehow Rose gets the door open? What if the Eternals leave their hosts to become their natural smoke like form, seeping through the top or bottom of the door? He didn't think they could but what if…...  
  
If they somehow got through, they would immediately attack Rose, and fill her with their essence…. devouring her from the inside out. His beautiful Rose would be gone, replaced by two of the cruelest creatures he had ever come up against. All that wonderful light and youth and love snuffed out like a match.  
He began to berate himself for stopping there in the first place, thinking how he should have just kept going and not stopped to investigate the call he received. Rose would not be in danger right now and they would be left to go on with their lives.  
  
That thought made him dig deeper and when he did, he was brought up short by the old conflict that caused him to always hold Rose at arm's length. He loved her, there was no denying that, but he also had a responsibility to the universe at large to be its defender, to protect the innocent from those who would try to take that innocence away. So which drive was stronger? Which was more important? If he hadn't lost his hearts to Rose everything would have been so much easier. So, which is it then, protect the universe and risk her life or keep her safe and ignore the calls for help? Ohila herself told him he had to protect her because she was the true flame, not the one present on Karn. He sighed; nothing should be this damned complicated.  
  
Right at that moment that particular thought was put on hold in favor of his immediate concern: to defeat the remaining two of a species known to his race as demi-gods so that they never leave Karn. If they did, he was sure they would eventually breed more of their kind until every world would be at risk. Ideally, if he could safely transport them to the Shadow Proclamation, they would be kept in stasis for more crimes than could be counted not the least of which would be their devastation of the Sisterhood and the Sacred Flame itself. But he couldn't risk them getting into the heart of the Tardis. The possible Timeline disruptions and destruction they would cause would be truly horrific.  
  
No, this battle was his to fight, alone.


	14. Thirst

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50407174031/in/album-72157716205880652/)

But first he had to heal enough to get there as soon as possible. He had to live long enough to keep both Rose and his ship safe, after that nothing really mattered.  
  
He looked over at the chalice knowing that he needed to replenish his body's lost fluids to help him heal. He hadn't had anything to drink since they tied him down days ago and he was parched.  
  
He reached the short distance to grab it in his shaking hand and brought it to his lips. Taking a small sip to make sure it was indeed water he stopped short of gulping it down when a lingering memory was brought to the surface by the ever so slight bitterness on his tongue. If it had been any other species, or even himself prior to his 8th incarnation it might have gone unnoticed. It was the elixir that the Sisters brewed for him to trigger his regeneration. If he hadn't stopped himself, he would have experienced a random regeneration which could have done more harm than good.  
  
As he was remembering what it had been like back then when he drank it once before he almost missed the slight side effect, he was having from that one sip. He felt better.  
  
Much, much better.  
  
Stronger and more powerful, as if he was drawing on some hidden reserves, he didn't know he had. He happened to glance down and watched with no small amount of awe, as the largest injury to his leg began to heal. He knew his body recovered at an accelerated rate, but this was just ridiculous. Could that one sip of the elixir do that? Maybe the full chalice was needed to make him regenerate but a small sip was enough to heal? All the deep cuts were being stitched together with surgical precision while the ones that were shallow were all but gone. He stood on very wobbly legs, taking a few steps to make sure he didn't fall and when he had done that successfully, he grabbed the knife and headed out of the cave. He could hear the muted murmurs of the past dead that the dagger had retained within itself, but he forced himself to ignore it in favor of moving forward. The first thing he saw was that the Sacred Flame, which had burned for tens of thousands of years was now a puddle of ash, having been doused with water repeatedly.  
  
  
He knelt next to Ohila and felt for a pulse, but he couldn't find one. He stroked her cheek knowing that her death was his fault, she was just protecting him after all. He tried to enter her mind, but it was totally dark except for the still trapped Eternals who were wailing in the blackness. Looking back over at the extinguished flame he saw one tiny ember at the outer edge still barely burning so he gingerly picked it up and set it down on Ohila and blew on it which caused it to flame almost immediately. As if it knew its purpose and knew who it laid upon, it began to consume her body, reducing both she and the creatures still locked inside down to ash. He whispered a prayer in his native tongue, the only prayer he knew and then after taking one last look he turned away, his focus now on searching for the ones who did all this.  
  
He had some justice that needed to be dished out.  
  
Rose had given up trying to open the door and had sat down with her back to it and cried. She could picture the Tardis, digging in her heels and shaking her head no, the more she struggled to get it done and that image made her smile. But it was only for a quick second before the reality of the situation set in again. Rose had begged and pleaded with her to let her out but to no avail. The ship loved her newest driver, more than most of his past selves in fact and she loved her wolf as well, so keeping the promise she made to him was one she refused to break.  
  
She lost track of how long she sat there, wrapped up in her own thoughts. If the Tardis refused to help her then there was not much she could do. It had now been almost 5 days since she had last seen him, and his absence was getting heavier to bear every hour. She could almost see him circling the console, pulling levers and turning knobs while spouting theories that she could never hope to follow but it didn't matter. She loved to listen to his voice and watch his bright smile come out. It lit the room and warmed her heart every single time. What would she do without that smile? How could she function?


	15. The Storm Approaches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor is free

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50549768911/in/dateposted-public/)

( _ **The Oncoming Storm)**_

She pulled her jacket tighter around her body, hugging herself in the process while remembering how it felt to be in his arms. She didn't think she had any more tears left but there they were, streaming down her face in the endless river she had created.  
  
In the middle of her musings, at the very edge of her internal peripheral senses she thought she heard a shuffling noise outside. She immediately stopped crying, stood up and backed away from the door. The Tardis dropped the temperature at least 5 degrees as Rose listened, the ship giving off its own concerns about what they both were hearing. The shuffling turned into the sound of scraping on the wood panel with what sounded like nails… someone or something was trying to get in.  
  
Rose took a tentative step towards the door and was ready to take another when the scraping stopped, and the knocking started.  
  
" _Rose, it's me...let me in (: :cough: :) I'm hurt and need you to help me…"_

He was back but he was hurt and needed her. She bolted for the door and tried to open it but it was still firmly locked.  
  
 _"Rose please!"_ he begged.  
  
 _"What are you doing?! Let him in, he's hurt!"_ she screamed into the empty room, but she was ignored.  
  
Suddenly a light lit up on the console, beckoning her to it. Reluctantly leaving the door and the begging voice of the Doctor behind, she ran over to a screen that up until that point had been off. It showed her the view outside where the only thing she could see was a pair of red robbed figures knocking on the door and speaking like the Doctor.  
  
 _"Rose,"_ the voice still begged over and over.  
  
 _"Where is he and what have you done to him?"_  
  
Rose yelled back from her place by the Time Rotor. The two figures looked at each other and nodded.  
  
" _We apologize for our ruse but we needed to get your attention,"_ they began " _Let us in and we'll tell you where to find his body" one of them cackled, "Or better yet we will take you to him. He was found in a snow drift, killed by one of the vicious long-toothed predators that hunt near our camp."_  
  
A blur of motion near the edge of the screen caught her eye.  
  
" _The only vicious predators I found are standing right in front of me and now it's about time I bit back"_


	16. Smoke and Ash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Lord of Time....for now

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50549769601/in/dateposted-public/)

_**"Watch out,  
You might get what you're after,  
Strange but not a stranger,  
I'm an ordinary guy…  
Burning down the house."**_ **  
  
"Burning Down the House" by Talking Heads**  
  
Before they could turn towards his voice, he was on them. One minute they were standing there speaking to Rose and the next they found themselves face first on the cold, snow covered ground. Held down with a hand wrapped around the back of their necks, pressing them there with an iron grip, they were completely at his mercy.  
  
 _"I am taking a stab in the dark by guessing that you did not think you would ever see me again. Alive, anyway."_  
  
His voice was as sharp and dark as the knife he held. He hadn't thought out what he would do when he found them, just coming to the realization that he could not kill the host without having them just escape into the air. They would not die; they would only exist as smoke while waiting for something or someone to come along. And once they took on their true form there would be no stopping them from getting into the Tardis and then Rose when he opened the door to enter it himself. He knew that even if he did not kill the host, they would still leave it behind the second he opened the door, following him in anyway.  
  
They chuckled as he loosened his grip. They knew by his silence that he figured out his dilemma. What they didn't know is he also figured out a solution.  
  
 _"I told you I would never let you near my companion, and I meant it."_ he said with a sharpness in his voice. The Eternal inside Sister Nouna smiled at him and then up at where she believed Rose was still watching and said,

" _You will know the peace of having us join with you, beloved of Time."_  
  
 _"Rose don't pay any attention to her. She only offers the peace that death brings."_ he said out loud because he knew she must still be listening.  
  
Sister Andula spun on the Doctor with a smile and damned him with her next words. "You, dear Doctor….Lord of None, will forever remember our 'hospitality' in the cave and the moment you drank from our chalice." She smiled again, an evil thing and nearly purred when she next spoke.  
  
"My dearest Lord of None…." He walked up until he stood directly in front of her and said.  
  
 _"Stop calling me that. You cannot steal my birthright from me no matter how hard you try."_  
  
" _Why should I stop when soon it will be a fact? Time Lord, you WILL become the Lord of None because the thing you are the false Lord over will desert you as you slowly run out of it and cannot keep up. My advice would be to appreciate every breath because very soon you will be running out of them. It will all fade away as you will. Everything fades my dear Doctor; months down to days, days to minutes to seconds. You will fade one single, excruciating moment at a time,"_  
  
His confusion stayed inside and did not breach the surface. He decided it would be something he would go back to later when he was safe inside and Rose and he were in the Vortex, far away from this cursed place.  
  
The entity inside of Sister Andula smiled before she turned and leaned against the Tardis door. _"Do you want to give me the key now or would you like to do the honors?"_  
  
He sighed as if defeated and reached into his pocket and pulled out the key. Swinging it almost hypnotically in front of the two entities, the Eternal moved away from the door to take it from him but then looked puzzled as he smiled, closed his eyes and disappeared deep into himself. It only took a split second to do but drained him, nonetheless. He saw their timelines and grabbed for them, stopping their movement. Now the challenge was to bring himself back to reality with their timelines still in his grasp.  
  
As he hoped, they were frozen in a singular moment while he held them there. It took so much out of him to keep them one step outside of time that he became weak at the knees. It had been quite a while since he had done something this intense but being a Lord of Time gave him incredible power which he now decided to wield.  
  
To them it would appear that he was moving incredibly fast as he walked up to the Tardis door, inserted the key and went inside. Quickly closing it he attempted to reorient himself to his surroundings as he slid down the wood onto the grating below.  
  
 _"Doctor?"_ Came a voice very close by.  
  
 _"Doctor, can you hear me?" I_ t repeated.  
  
Hands on his shoulders, gently shaking him. The voice was tender yet filled with concern and desperation. _'Rose'_ he thought to himself, ' _it's Rose.'_  
  
He had closed his eyes when the input had become too much and reached out like a blind man to touch her. He felt the strands of her hair in his fingers and the oh so soft skin of her face as he cupped it. The bow of her moist lips as he ran his thumb over them. Memories came flooding back of all the times he had touched that face. Of all the moments when they had hugged. Battles won, battles almost lost if not for the others' quick intervention. The moments of closeness. Then the one exquisite moment of desire right before he left.  
A promise made, now fulfilled. He had come home. He remembered it all.  
  
His eyes flew open to see her on her knees in front of him.  
  
" _Hello" s_ he smiled, the tears which seemed to have never stopped continued even stronger now, interspersed with soft gulps of air. The only other sound that slipped inside before the Tardis could put a sound proofing filter in place was the insistent banging on the door and the screams from the creatures who knew that they now had no way inside. No hosts left to inhabit other than the ones they were currently occupying unless some ship should stumble into their web.


	17. In Shadow

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50403798136/in/dateposted-public/)

**_(The Shadow Proclamation)_**  
  
That thought alone had him springing up to standing faster than Rose had ever seen him move. In retrospect he thought that might not have been the best of idea's as he nearly went down right afterwards. Although a bit shaky from the amount of blood he had lost plus the rigorous 'Time Trick' he had just pulled off, he still needed to complete a list of priorities before he would allow himself to collapse into a healing coma. The first was a holo visit he really did not want to make.  
  
 _'As good a time as any to call in a favor or two'_ he gathered.  
  
With Rose's help he made his way over to the console and laid his hand gently on the Time Rotor. His eyes closed, he appeared to be whispering in his native tongue to her and she replied in a bit of a somber tone in his head, but of course she did as he asked. She made the connection for him even as he was launching them outward and into the Vortex and Rose could immediately feel the air shift. He held his hand out for her to join him at the monitor and she watched as a hazy shot focused in. A very gruff voice with an equally gruff appearance met them with ferocious intensity in its eyes. However, she could sense that underneath was a sense of what…. duty?  
  
Rose looked over at the Doctor who merely stated, _"Rose meet your first Judoon."_  
  
 _"State your reason for contacting the Shadow Proclamation!!"_ it barked at them.  
  
Ignoring the Judoon's angry greeting, the Doctor demanded the Judoons name and rank to which it immediately answered, " _Sergeant Marlic is my rank and name and I am the head of Special Forces guarding the Architect. Again, state your reason for contacting the Shadow Proclamation!"_  
  
 _"Marlic, this is the Doctor speaking, known to your people as the 'All Consuming Fire.' To the rest of the universe I am called the 'Destroyer of Worlds' and the 'Oncoming Storm.' More simply I am called the Last of the Time Lords. Now, let's cut to the chase as they say and connect me to the Shadow Architect, code Alpha Alpha 74!"_  
  
The Judoon squinted at him, eyeing him with obvious contempt. _"If you were here right now, I would shoot you on the spot for falsifying such important credentials and for obviously stealing a very specific code. Judoon law states…."_  
  
The Doctor, tired to begin with and getting more and more tired of playing this particular game, brought himself up to his fullest height and let the storm clouds rise in his eyes and in his demeanor. Rose put a hand on his shoulder, grounding him.  
  
 _"Sergeant Marlic, I don't have time for your questions. However when all is said and done if you still wish to contest my legitimacy I will be more than happy to meet you face to face and give you my unique brand of live training in the art of hand-to-hand combat. And when I break both of your legs before you can even turn and run you will be sorry you kept me waiting on this damn line!!" he paused for only a breath before yelling at the monitor, "NOW GET ME THE ARCHITECT!"_  
  
The Judoon, visibly rattled (which in and of itself was an achievement,) switched his communicator off and the Doctor only had to wait a moment before a woman with very pale white skin and long white hair appeared before him. Rose found herself staring into her piercing red eyes. She appeared to be someone who carried an air of superiority and who took her job way too seriously. She did however have a strong regal bearing that she appeared to wear like a second skin.  
  
 _“Ashtar, how have you been love?”_ not catching the understandably possessive look from one Rose Tyler who had been terrified that the man she gave her heart to would never return from his latest battle.  
  
For his part he knew how to mellow the figure in front of them so that she would lower her defenses a bit and listen to him.  
  
The figure on the screen immediately relaxed and Rose could practically hear her purr at the air of familiarity between them. She really didn’t like her very much at all.  
  
 _“Nothing an overworked and never paid Time Lord would understand. By the way, when will ‘I’ be honored again by your presence? We have a lot of catching up to do. For instance, which body are you on now and did you know you would be regenerating into one that was…._ (she raked her eyes over him from top to bottom, practically salivating) _so very pleasing to the eye.”_  
  
He couldn’t help but smirk as the flirt that was born as part of this incarnation came out preening like a peacock. One look at Rose, however, who was scowling at the screen put him in his place. As much as she liked it when other females found him attractive, their relationship (if she could call it that) was too new for her to feel safe when he reciprocated.  
  
 _“Now, now Ashtar...if you must know this is my tenth form and as for the ‘pleasing to the eye’ part I am afraid you are out of luck. My hearts have been stolen by this lovely human and I just hope they will stay with her for a very long time.”_ he looked at Rose with a wink and a devotion that almost took her breath away.  
  
Ashtar stared at Rose, practically rolling her eyes and then tried to talk some sense into the Time Lord. _“You know that your people would have had you stripped of all your remaining regenerations and stoned you in Arcadia’s Square if they knew you were dipping your toe into the waters of lesser species.”_  
  
The Doctor bristled at the way he was being talked to and the way she was speaking to Rose as well.  
  
 _“First of all, being human does not make her a ‘lesser species’ and secondly, I am the last of my people, so I call the shots. As to what is right and wrong for myself, I do NOT have to listen to some old archaic teachings that do not make any sense to the person I have become. So now that we have gotten that out into the open can we please deal with the matter at hand?”_  
  
She sat up straighter, put into her place by his words. _“Which is?”_ she asked.  
  
 _“I have just had a run in with some pretty nasty Eternals on what was left of Karn this past week. What makes it so tragic is that they have destroyed the Sisterhood and with it the Sacred Flame and have murdered my oldest mentor and friend, Sister Ohila. They are now inside two of the other Sisters. I barely got away with my life so I need to set up a full universal warning to never stop there and a hypersensic shield built around it so that no one can pass through to the surface below.”_  
  
She seemed to contemplate all that was said before he added, _“Ashtar, if they get more hosts on Karn believe me they will escape to colonize other worlds and be unstoppable. You can take this as a command or as a favor being asked by an old friend and ally. Personally, I would prefer it to be the latter.”_  
  
 _“Ahh…. you have always enjoyed pulling rank. I always bent to your will though, didn’t I?”_ she murmured and smirked in a voice that was suggesting many things in a single sentence.  
  
He sighed and continued _“This needs to be done for not only myself but the universe on a whole? I am sorry but like I said I just barely made it back to the Tardis with this life and it took a lot out of me to stop time around the entities while I snuck back inside. So please understand where the urgency of what I ask combined with the sound of my impatience is coming from.”_  
  
Rose could see her sit up straighter; all the fun drained out of the conversation. She became the leader of her domain once again.  
  
 _“Say no more and consider it done. Where are you headed now?”_ she inquired.  
  
 _“Well, I am on my way to Litonia to seek the release of some young initiates of the Sisterhood that the Eternals sold to a slave trader.”_  
  
Rose noticed a worried look come over this Ashtar woman’s face.  
  
 _“Make sure you take precautions my friend. You know as well as I that they are some of the lowest of the low and will not give up their bounty easily. We have tried to punish them in the past and they do let up for a while but then when we are called away, they go back to doing it all over again.”_  
  
The Doctor thanked her for her concern and was about to say his goodbyes when she added….  
  
 _“Go and rest so you can be strong enough to handle your rescue. Would you like us to send you a few of our best warriors as backup?”_ The stern nature of her voice did not help Rose feel better about what little she knew about the situation.  
  
 _“Thanks, but no, believe me you will need them all for the problem I just laid at your feet.”_  
  
A curt nod and the line went dead.


	18. Internal Reverie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to sleep it off

He reached over and threw his arms around Rose in a hug that held more than just her body against his own. She was the light he craved to be near over these past dismal days. However, even as he held on to her, he felt himself slipping away in a haze of exhaustion. Normally he wouldn't need to rest as badly as he did, but he had been through so much that the ground under his feet seemed to be swallowing him up.

He wasn't even sure if he could make it to his bedroom, but his dignity would not allow him to collapse on the grating twice. So, he put one foot in front of the other and finally made it to his door, turned the knob and walked inside. He was asleep before his body hit the mattress and his head hit the pillow.

Rose saw the exhaustion come over him while he stood talking to Ashtar and could feel it when he took her in his arms in that tight hug. It was as if his bones were barely supporting his tall, wiry physique.

So, she was not at all upset (well not much really) that he was now in his bed…. alone…. without her as she had hoped. She didn't even mind too much that she was now undressing him so that he might be more comfortable, stripping away his torn and bloodied trousers (he was still shirtless which she really tried not to notice too much) and trainers and socks. She had been the one to do it when he had first regenerated, divesting him of his leather jacket like a piece of armor not needed anymore. She had cried afterwards because she had thought that the man she loved was dead but, of course, she was proved so very wrong. He had resurrected himself inside the body that he now wore to beat back the Sycorax invasion just in the nick of time. Always right there for her when she needed him the most.

So, for now with no enemy at the door or evil to beat there was no reason that he should not rest after all he had been through, of which she really knew very little. She was being selfish, plain and simple she told herself because the need for him at that moment was a personal and private one. But oh, how she 'needed' him.

Her eyes poured over his body like rich syrup, taking in his long and tight frame, seeing the things she had not let herself see when she had first changed him not so long ago. It was just an innocent peek she told herself, just to see more of him to fuel her not so innocent fantasies later. Seeing him now with only his boxers on (Tardis blue, she should have known), his leg muscles with just enough dark brown hair to soften their hard, clean lines made her ache to know what they would feel like sliding along her own, smoother ones. They were the legs of a long-distance runner, not just a sprinter. Someone who could run as fast and as far as needed with muscles that would propel him forward toward their goal. And at that moment she knew exactly what she had wanted that goal to be.


	19. Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Smut starts here

But what else she saw had her blood boiling in two different directions at once because all along his attractive physique were scars on the bare skin that covered it. She had thought he had been through a lot, but she had no idea that it was anything that could cause what she was looking at right now. He had been tortured. She was right when she dreamt that he needed her and that he was hurting so badly. She wanted to scream, she wanted to turn the very ship that would not let her leave to help him and head back to that rock to hurt those that hurt him like this. She knew he was healing rapidly; it was the nature of his 'superior Time Lord physiology' that told her that all the marks would be gone soon. But what would heal the wounds she could not see?

Inside of his mind, in the deepest recesses of his healing coma he dreamt he was still in that cave. Even though he knew he was safe on board the Tardis he still felt the burning liquid hitting his flesh, shredding the edges of the open wounds caused by the dagger. He had told himself not to cry out, not to scream and give them what they wanted but he could not hold it back anymore. After so many cuts and too many confessions of guilt he wanted it to end. One single drop of elixir seemed to spread into a couple and then to a few and then to a few too many with all of them burning, setting him on fire from the inside out.

He didn't know what would make them stop and release him but maybe if he did cry out, they would. Would begging help? He needed to try, telling himself at the beginning that it was just a show, just another method of talking his way out of things...this screaming, begging and confessing thing. Then he got very good at it.

And in his dreams, he kept practicing.

He remained in the darkness of his thoughts for three full nights before a bit of the sun broke through. Or rather the scent of earthen lavender mixed with just a touch of vanilla woke his senses up to the outside world. Oh, and the feeling of gentle hands spreading that scent onto his body in the form of a cream, as he was still lying on the bed and from what his senses were telling him, almost naked.

( _'Let's see…. Tardis check, his own bed check, lavender cream being deposited on his body by hands that weren't his. Check? Yep, hands are by his side. Just in his boxers…well, check on that one too. So, the hands rubbing in all the right places had to belong to Rose? Yep, must be Rose, most definitely Rose. Wait, does that mean that Rose is almost naked too? Could he have passed from a healing coma straight into a heavenly hallucination? And what was he doing with Rose before he collapsed from exhaustion? Oh no, no, no…. he would have remembered THAT!")_

Deciding that he had had enough of his own internal monologue, he bravely opened one eye to find a very clothed Rose Tyler looking down at him, mere inches from his face.

 _"Doctor?"_ she watched as he made eye contact and finally, FINALLY saw her.

_"Doctor! I have been so worried; I didn't think you would ever wake up!!!"_

There were one or two times when he did open his eyes before, but he never saw her. No matter how many times she called his name, his eyes never locked onto hers. Those were the times that she cried the most. He was there, appearing to be awake and yet, he wasn't. He was as far away as he had been while being held captive on Karn and again no matter what she did she couldn't save him this time either.

But she knew he would come back to her because, well, he just had to. She had waited and waited for him to open his eye's; just to see those big brown pools of time looking up at her and to see that smile as bright as the sun come out in her world again. And now that he was present and looking right at her and finally really seeing her, she would be damned if she would let him slip away again.

He had begun to sit up but found himself propelled slightly backwards when Rose threw her arms around his neck and buried her face there. On instinct his arms wound tightly around her waist and drew her closer until she was forced to either straddle him or fall. Deciding that being in the Doctor's lap was the much better option, she let the momentum carry her in that direction.

When he discovered that he was not dreaming and was truly and blissfully awake he grasped her hard against himself, still in fear of going back into that deep, dark cave of despair. He inhaled her and it did two things almost at once; it reassured him that he was indeed awake, and it reminded him, specifically a hardly used part of him that he still had a promise to keep. And he so wanted to keep that promise, in fact it was one of the only things that had kept him sane during his darkest moments. He had pictured it in very vivid detail even while his body was screaming for the torture to end.

Over 900 years of experimentation here and there gave him quite a catalog of memories to draw on when he had lowered himself into such depraved behavior as self-pleasure. But no, not HIS mind. His mind had to fantasize about the one thing he never had and always thought he never would: one Rose Marion Tyler.

Now with her straddling him he was almost frozen by the possibility that he might not measure up to his own confident behavior in his fantasies. But when her breath was mingling with his and her mouth hovered so close that it would only take a tiny shift for him to connect, he took the initiative. A final pull with one arm around her waist and one hand lifted to the soft skin behind her neck was all it took to melt his fear. Like before, he again felt that need to possess her, to mark her and make her his. This time though his need felt greater, more primal…. more aggressive.

He was like a pot just at the point between simmering and boiling that only needed that one minuscule minute more of heat to reach the critical stage of no turning back.

For Rose, she was a bit caught off-guard to say the least when his mouth took hers. His lips felt like an impossible combination of silk and steel, strong yet tender. Rose felt like she was being pulled into him, losing all her self-control. His was a spirit that had spent hundreds of years knowing how to win almost every battle or, at the very least how to take control of countless situations. It didn't surprise her that he was now trying to take control of their mutual passions. She wasn't going to let him win that easy (as much as she really wanted him to). Being a bit of a tease had its benefits.

Ripping her mouth from his to catch her breath she murmured, _"Don't you think we should rescue those girls you were talking about a few days ago?"_ even as she ground her hips down, feeling him hard underneath. She smiled to herself 'one point to me' at having brought him to that state. His response was to latch his mouth onto the skin right above her clavicle and sucked hard, replacing the smile on her face with a look of pleasure.

"Not waiting" he mumbled through a mouthful of her skin, _"Waited long enough."_


	20. Flying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!! SMUT FEST

He placed both hands on her hips and held her there as he rocked his body upwards in counter to her movement, like an answer to her unspoken question. It was so good, so incredibly good that he felt his lust for her burning through his veins like wildfire. Just when she thought she was in control he flipped them over so that he was now straddling her body. He sat back on his haunches, drinking in her form and thanked every God he did not believe in for the feast lying before him.  
  
She had been waiting for him to awaken for so many hours which turned into too many days so that when he finally did wake up she wanted to be prepared. She had put on just a thin dressing gown over her mostly bare flesh, except for a skimpy thong. She had been grabbing quick showers and small bites to eat while sitting by his side, so afraid that he would come out of the coma alone and maybe a bit confused.  
  
Now he was very awake and extremely interested in the gift hidden beneath that flimsy robe. Reaching out he took hold of the tie that held it closed and pulled on it, sliding his hands up and parting the two sides until the only thing he could see was her bare skin covered only by the thong. It took him a good 53 seconds to realize that he had been kneeling there with his mouth hanging open and practically drooling (although Time Lords NEVER drool.)  
  
 _"Doctor, please..."_ Rose was writhing under his scrutiny, thrusting her pelvis up in an invitation to be touched, a finger up against her lips seductively. She had been waiting for this moment ever since he had kissed her back on Karn, and she wasn't going to play the shy little girl anymore. She was a woman with needs. And all his for the taking.  
  
Once the realization hit that he had spent extra time looking without touching he became a man on a mission. He may have had helped map most of the universe but none of it was as important as mapping out every inch of Rose Tyler's heavenly body. He quickly grabbed the flimsy strings of her thong and instead of pulling them down, he ripped them apart in his haste to see all of her. Even in the dimmed light he could tell how wet she was. Her folds were glistening with her juices and like a parched man who had found an oasis he dove in to drink from her. Placing her legs over his shoulders he opened her up wide and pulled her to his waiting mouth.  
  
 _"Oh God, ohhhh..that is...that's...so good.."_  
  
She lunged upward reflexively at the first touch of his tongue to her heat. He never tried to restrain her, instead he followed her lead as her hand grabbed at his hair and pressed him down to the places she needed him most. He inserted his tongue as far into her as he could while his thumb rubbed over her clit in feather-like touches, just enough to take her to the edge but not over it.  
  
 _"More...ohohohoh...please...harder...I need..."_  
  
At her first whimper and plea's he withdrew his tongue and replaced it with three fingers, stroking and rubbing and curling inside of her while his tongue pulled her clit into his mouth and sucked in a rhythm that brought her from a whimper to a scream. He had been rutting against the mattress, his cock throbbing in time with the intense contractions around his fingers as she came hard. She was clamping down on his digits in a way that made him ache to feel her doing the same around his very stiff rod, which was probably the hardest he had ever been in all of his lives and that was saying something. He could feel a small wet spot on the inside of his boxers from where he leaked a bit of fluid in response to her copious wetness now lining his tongue.  
  
 _"That was just, oh just incredible"_ she murmured in a low and sultry tone as he withdrew his fingers from her and gave her slit one last long lick.  
  
Then, on impulse and in an act of sheer possessiveness he nipped at the inside of her thigh and sucked hard, leaving his mark before crawling up her body. He pushed his boxers down as he went, the only thing separating his skin from hers, kicking them to the floor.  
  
Rose had never seen him naked before, even when tempted to take a peek, so she thought it was completely natural when she found herself gaping and licking her lips at the sight of what was hanging down between his legs. She reached for him, wrapping her hand around his engorged hardness and giving him a few tentative strokes causing him to wrap his hands in the sheets on either side of her head in a death grip and slamming his eyes shut in pleasure. It had been so long since he had been touched by a hand other than his own, that he immediately felt all logical thinking abandon him. There was only the sight, smell, taste and feel of Rose beneath him that fueled something ancient, something so foreign to his higher thought process that it shorted it out.  
  
What shocked him even more was that he let it. Dropping his barriers and allowing himself to be taken over by feelings alone, he felt something ferocious rise to the surface.  
  
On her part, while one hand was stroking him the other was positioned on his bicep and she could feel how tense his body was, ready to snap like a rubber band. She watched his head tilt to one side just like he always did when trying to work out a baffling puzzle that his magnificent mind didn't have an instant solution to. She had no idea how close she was to the truth. Giving his arm a quick squeeze seemed to bring him back to the present so that when their eyes locked he appeared to have finally found his answer. He lowered himself down onto his elbows so that his hands were free to roam.  
  
He glanced from one breast to the other and decided his time would be best served by pressing them together. He used his tongue to dip between the two and them suckled one nipple while pinching and running his thumb over the other. Rose gripped his cock even tighter, adding a twist to the end of every upstroke which had him nearly panting. He began thrusting into her hand knowing that the more he did so, the closer he came to ending it all too soon.   
  
_"You're gonna be the death of me,"_ he teased as he reluctantly removes her hand and lowers himself between her legs.  
  
 _"Already was once"_ she winked, her tongue touched grin fully in place. It was the wink that got him though. No, that just won't do. Not with the way he felt at that very moment.  
  
Burning all bridges that led to his higher mind down into cinders, he threw all conscious thought through the window that he had erected centuries ago. Pinning her hands to the mattress above her head he lined himself up at her wet entrance and without breaking eye contact he pushed himself into her welcoming body until he was buried there completely.  
  
From there his primal self surged up from the depths of his soul, straight through the maelstrom that was his hearts racing beats as he began to move inside of her. His thrusts were like pistons firing at random, taking her breath away with the power of each stroke, lighting her up from the inside out until she felt that she would dissolve into nothing. Then his body found its rhythm and it was fast and hard, knocking her backwards with every forward blow. He released her hands freeing him to move her legs up and over his shoulders at which point Rose could only hold on to his shoulders in a death like grip, nails digging into the muscle there, leaving crescent shaped marks embedded in his skin. He didn't feel it, he felt nothing outside of the sensation of her body under his.

The sounds of their lovemaking; their cries of passion and their bodies slapping together echoed through the halls of the ship. He didn't think he could hold out much longer and neither could Rose because he was touching something inside of her that she had only read about in her mum's trashiest novels. A spot that she had thought was just wishful thinking on the part of the gal in the story now became reality, as she cried out her pleasure to any deity that might be listening. She felt his fingers touch her temple and a silent pleading in his eyes caused her to shake her head 'yes,' not really knowing what she was agreeing to but trusting him completely.  
  
A wave of emotions threatened to bury her under its powerful surge as she felt him inside her mind, raising her up. She pushed back until he too was awash in her feelings. She felt like she was at the precipice of an immensely tall cliff with him right beside her until the pleasure was so great that she leapt off of it but did not fall. Instead she flew, with him close behind, his arms wrapped tightly around her….soaring higher and higher until only the stars were surrounding them. Crying out his name as her orgasm swept through her, and she shattered into a million pieces...turning her into stardust.  
  
He followed her, of course, his cock twitching inside of her core begging for the tension to uncoil and allow for its release. He felt her strong muscles suddenly clamp down around him and that was all it took for him to let go and surrender to the moment.


	21. Freedom at a Price

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The illness begins

_"Doctor" where are we? I mean, where on the planet?"_ Rose sat next to him at the monitor and peered down over his shoulder.  
  
 _"In the Litonian version of a dungeon"_ he muttered in unmistakable disgust. _"This is the capital city and there are unusual heat signatures located inside the cell holds. And...if my guess is correct those signatures belong to the missing initiates of Karn."_ he slams his fist into the console in barely contained rage, reminded again of his near escape from the Eternals. He tosses his sonic to Rose after setting it to open the cells.  
  
" _Just get the prisoners out and back to the Tardis and then wait, I will be back._ "  
  
 _"Wait, where are you going?"_ Rose reaches out for his arm and grasped his elbow, turning him back to face her.  
  
 _"I am going to have a little chat with the zoo keepers"_ he grabs his coat, roughly shoving his arms through the holes and moves down the walkway to the door with Rose following close behind.  
  
 _"Wait"_ he commanded poking his head out of the door and into the near darkness. A dank and musty smell greeted them causing Rose to shudder at what she might find as they stepped out into the gloom. He held up a flashlight which showed the bars of a tiny cell just ahead and hiding in the shadows, covering their eyes was the cowering figure of 3 young women.  
  
 _"Ssshhh..."_ he stopped Rose mid stride and just as she was about to protest he veered to the side against the wall dragging Rose with him. Turning off the light Rose could just make out 2 large guards walking their way.  
  
 _"No matter what happens get them out, understood?"_ he didn't wait for an answer, just stepped into the path of the oncoming men, drawing their attention away from Rose and the girls in the cell. As he ran deeper into the darkness with the men close behind, Rose made her move and unlocked the cell doors ushering the frightened girls back toward the Tardis. It was at that moment that she heard the unmistakable sound of a scuffle in the direction that the Doctor took.  
  
" _Get inside!"_ she pressed the girls through the door and then closed it behind them. Torn between doing what he said and daring to find out what had happened she chose to investigate the noise she had heard which had now suddenly stopped.

With an equal suddenness, a large hand wrapped itself around her mouth from behind and an arm snaked around her waist, holding her tight. She tried to struggle but it was no use, he had her effectively pinned. He was dragging her deeper into the darkness and away from where the Doctor had disappeared.  
  
 _"Let her go"_ the Doctors voice had miraculously sounded from behind them, strong and dangerously low. The arm holding her spun them around to face the darkness.  
  
 _"Where are you, coward?"_ the creature holding her barked in response.  
  
 _"I am not the one using a hostage to save himself"_ came the reply, now behind them again. Once more the creature spun them around to try to locate the disembodied voice.  
  
 _"This is your last chance. Let her go and live. Don't and join your friends back there with broken necks. Your choice."_  
  
 _"Come out so that I can see you. I am not going to give up this prize that easily. I like the way she squirms. Quite exciting actually. Who would ever have thought I would have such a prize! So whoever you are I would just leave now before I crush this frail body with my bare hands."_  
  
As if to emphasize his superiority, his hold on her increased to the point where she was struggling to breathe. As a field of dark spots began to swim in front of her the Doctor moved in to finally intercede. The hand that had been across her mouth suddenly disappeared as did the offending arm around her waist. Rose fell to her knees, gasping for air while behind her the Doctor had the Litonian pinned to the ground, his own hands around his throat. It was the creatures turn to struggle to breathe as he fought to dislodge the long fingers from around his neck.  
  
Then Rose heard something coming from the Doctor that she never had heard before.

As he knelt over the aliens body he was laughing.

' _He shouldn't be enjoying this'_ Rose thought to herself, _'it was not funny at all.'_ But there he was, an evil smirk on his face as he took the life of the guard.  
  
 _"I warned you...this is your own fault"_ he hissed as the body below him stopped struggling and the hands of the creature fell to his side.  
  
" _There we are...much better"_ he said, a huge smile on his face and showing no remorse whatsoever as he stood up and turned to Rose.

She was in shock having just witnessed the murder. As soon as he saw her wide eyed glance he seemed to mentally shake himself and look around as if he didn't know what happened.  
  
 _"Rose?"_ his voice cracked as he spoke her name but she had already turned to enter the Tardis. He caught up to her on the walkway inside of the ship but before he could speak she turned on him.  
  
 _"How could you think, even for one moment that what you did back there was funny?'"_  
  
 _"I don't understand. Rose, what do you mean? I don't think that what I had to do was humorous at all. Why would you even think that?"_ he stood there perplexed, a look of utter confusion on his face.  
  
" _You were laughing Doctor. As you throttled him you were laughing!"_ she replied, her arms crossed protectively across her heaving chest. _"What happened to the other guards Doctor? Did you kill them as well? Did you enjoy it as much as you did when you killed the one restraining me?"_  
  
 _"Rose I...."_ he didn't remember enjoying it but there were moments where he felt separated from himself, like trying to remember a dream after you have been up for awhile. Try as he might he could not access those stolen moments in time.

He had chalked it up to a momentary lapse of reason in response to the kidnapping of those young girls and the threat to Roses life but to take pleasure from those acts was incomprehensible to him. He suddenly felt drained of all emotion and utterly spent. He made his way to the jumpseat and ran a hand through his hair. Maybe Rose was mistaken. Maybe in the heat of the moment and her own lack of oxygen caused her to hallucinate. Whatever the reason he needed to go to bed and sleep for a few hours.  
  
 _"Will you stay with me tonight, Rose? Please? I promise to do a full scan on myself in the morning but right now I just need to feel you close to me. I nearly lost you and I just need to know that I didn't...that I haven't...."_  
  
If Rose had understood that he wasn't only talking about her near death experience she never let on, just nodded her head and went off to change leaving him to wonder just where those missing memories ran off to.


	22. A Pit Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor begins to unravel

They had to make a pit stop or rather a “Pitt” stop as in the planet Pitt to pick up a few things at their market. Rose loved it when they spent a day just to themselves with no wars to stop or battles to fight and loved it even more when there would be shopping involved. The problem with the market on Pitt, as she saw it, was that it was mostly just parts to various alien tech. Basically, a huge garage filled with all manner of things that Rose took very little interest in except that she loved to watch the Doctor haggle for what he needed. He bought a few odds and ends to help keep the Tardis in shape.  
  
 _“All done now?”_ she asked him with a broad smile, linking their arms together as they walked.  
  
 _“Ummmm….well, just one more thing actually”_ as he steered them around a corner and into a corner store she hadn’t noticed before. The scent of chocolate and cinnamon hit her immediately. Her eyes widened at the assortment of pastries behind a glass case.  
  
 _“Just wait here a moment while I talk to a vendor right outside.”_ he paid for a few of the delicious looking cakes and an equally wonderful, frothy drink then pulled out a chair by the window, placing them all on the table.  
  
“ _Now DON’T wander away from this spot, ok?”_ he begged as he chewed on what looked like a cinnamon bun and headed out of the door.  
  
She began to eat the spread in front of her until she caught sight of him outside of the window. She never tired of watching him, even to the point of ignoring her tasty alien treats. He was the only tasty alien treat she really wanted but who has remained very aloof since their one time night of passion after Karn. He told her about the flu called the Fade he had acquired there and that was the reason he had kept himself from physically repeating the experience they shared after he woke from his healing coma. He promised that when the tests showed that he was over it he would take her to his bed and ravish her and that thought had kept her going with only her fingers to bring her pleasure in the interim. A LOT of pleasure, especially now that she knew what was waiting for her down the hall.  
  
Loud voices stopped her musings as she looked up and saw him through the window. He was doing more than just haggling with the vendor; he was outright arguing. Then the simple argument turned violent when she saw him grab the vendor’s table and throw it out of the way so he could get at the alien seller. One push from the Time Lord had left the 3-armed creature sprawled on the ground, the Doctor looming over him in a threatening stance. Just as she was packing up her food, she saw three other beings in uniform grab the Doctors arms and tried to haul him away from the cowering seller. In a show of considerable strength, he managed to throw off the guards and grab the vendor by the shirt until he had brought him nose to nose with him, screaming in his face.  
  
As she made her way out of the shop with her treats forgotten she could make out phrases like, _“THAT IS NOT A FAIR PRICE!”_ and _“SIR, LET GO OF HIM NOW!”_ She was now more concerned for the poor vendor who looked absolutely terrified than she was the Doctor.  
  
Ducking through the crowd that had gathered, she added her own voice to the din. _“Doctor, let’s just go please!!”_ but it was like he never heard her as he began to shake the other man hard enough for him to beg the towering Time Lord to stop.  
  
She tried to grab the Doctor’s arm but even she was thrown off and hit the ground with a cry. Only then did he stop and drop the man from his grip. He had heard her cry out like that before when someone had hurt her, and he assumed that one of the guards had pushed her down. His eyes were clouded over with rage as he turned his full attention to the other men, the vendor forgotten.  
  
 _“WHICH ONE OF YOU HURT HER?!”_ he screamed, ready to beat one or more of them senseless.  
  
“ _YOU DID!”_ she managed to yell as one of the bystanders helped her to her feet.  
  
 _“It was YOU!”_ Her eyes met his as the realization of what he had done hit him hard.  
  
 _“Rose? No…. I would never…. Rose, are you alright?”_ his voice had quieted, taking on an almost meek demeanor. He reached for her but before he could, more hands grabbed at him and this time, all the fight went out of him as he let himself be dragged away. He took one quick look at her over his shoulder but then turned away in what could only be described as acceptance of whatever penalty they deemed fit the crime. She knew that in his mind there would never be a punishment great enough to forgive himself for hurting her.


	23. Cell Call

When she finally was allowed to see him, she could tell that he had been treated roughly. His hands had been chained together and attached to a spike in the wall of the cell and there were burn marks on his palms and chest from where their pain sticks had connected with his flesh.  
  
She could not have picked a better name for the long poles that sent shocks through a prisoner because as she stood waiting to free the Doctor, she witnessed their use firsthand. One vile creature was fighting with the guards as she waited to see the head of the security patrol and he had to be subdued by the use of one. As barbaric as it was, she could see its purpose if a powerful criminal was not able to be brought down in any other fashion. But the Doctor?  
  
 _“Your friend gave us quite a fight when we got him here.”_ The uniformed man next to her said, almost reading her thoughts. _“We didn’t want to, but we had to try to get him under control before he hurt someone or even himself. He went so far as to burn his own hands on the bars of the hold he is in, the fool.”_ He just shook his head in bewilderment as he led her down to the cell he was put in, away from the others.  
  
 _“Hello Rose”_ he spoke so softly that at first she thought she had imagined it.  
  
 _“Hello Doctor. Are you alright?”_ He laughed then, refusing to make eye contact with her.  
  
 _“Oh, just dandy. First, I attacked a vendor and then I hurt my best friend. I am feeling wonderful”_  
  
His tone was bordering on sarcastic, but she knew it was really more self-loathing than anything else. She ignored the comment, her concern and curiosity winning out.  
  
“ _What happened?”_ she came up close just as the guard shut down the electrified powered rods and disengaged the cell door.  
  
 _“I overreacted to the vendor’s prices.”_  
  
 _“No, I mean in here. Why did they shock you? Why did you hurt yourself with the bars?”_ she explained further.  
  
He looked up at her finally, meeting her eyes with his, _“Because I deserved it.”_  
  
She knew he didn’t just mean how he acted in here.


	24. Medicine Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The light bulb goes off

He was glad that Rose went to her room when they had gotten back. He didn’t want her to see him like this. And he still couldn’t look at her without the overwhelming guilt he felt.  
  
He was stalking around the console, hands in his hair pulling at it until he thought it would come out in his fingers. He felt his breath coming out in pants though it seemed like it was from a distance, as if he was not the one emitting those sounds. He had gotten to an area of the console that he had just meticulously cleaned the day before but now he wished he hadn’t because he caught sight of his own reflection.  
  
 _‘Those eyes!’_ he muttered to himself, backing away from the mirror image.  
  
His thoughts were stuck in a loop of ‘ _Who am I?'_

 _'What am I turning into?_ ’'

 _‘How could I have done that,_ ’ 

_'What the hell just happened to me out there?!’_

Then the worst thought of all, _‘I HURT ROSE!!!’_  
  
Then another single thought broke through and brought him up short.  
  
“ _.... Everything fades my dear Doctor; months down to days, days to minutes to seconds. You will fade one single, excruciating moment at a time”_  
  
No, it couldn’t be. He had done nothing more than overreact to that vendor. He hadn’t realized it was Rose who had grabbed his arm. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out an item he had bought from a different vendor. He thought it was funny when he paid for it. It had just caught his eye and had to have it.

But it told him more than anything else and it scared him more thoroughly than a fleet of Daleks....

It was a simple watch.  
  
He was having trouble keeping track of time. HIM! The Last of the Time Lords.  
  
( _“Lord of None….”)_  
  
If they hadn’t been in the vortex he would have gone outside and would have run until he was forced to stop. He wanted to run and run and run until he left all this behind. Every thought, every possibility, every fear left in the dust. But he knew he couldn’t escape this, not until he knew for sure. So he sprinted into the infirmary where he flung open a cabinet and removed a vial of his own blood that he had kept since regenerating. True, he had bags of his own blood since his first incarnation just in case he needed a transfusion in a pinch, but each regeneration had gotten into the habit of drawing one or two vials which would be specific to his newest body and used for research purposes for the most part. He placed that vial in a rack on the counter and then turned to scan the other cabinet doors.  
  
 _‘This was not going to be easy’_ he thought to himself, as he started on his quest.  
  
He broke into the cabinets one by one, tearing into them none too gently, pulling out bandages, empty tubes and equipment that he knew he could replace and tossed all of it onto the grating beneath him. He didn’t have the time to treat all of it the way he would have if he hadn’t been on a mission to find one certain item. Glass shattered by his feet, but he ignored it, alien medical diagnostic tech was damaged beyond repair and sterile items became contaminated and unusable.  
  
The more he hunted for it the more his prize seemed to elude him. Panic set in as he became more frantic. He racked his brain to try to remember the last time he had set any pair of eyes on it but couldn’t remember, which was both good and bad. Good because that would mean it was still there but bad because he started to wonder if he ever had it at all to begin with.  
  
He stopped and forced himself to take a few deep and steadying breaths. He knew that all this running from door to door was doing more harm than good, so he focused himself to seek a bit of assistance from his past, allowing the present to see through old eyes.  
  
 _“Don’t you remember when I regenerated and Grace wanted to help me try to figure out just who I was and where I was from?” he heard his 8th self say, “I put it up there to make sure that if I ever did what you are doing now; if I ever made the mess you have been making it wouldn’t get broken or be spilled. We both know how precious it is.”_  
  
He felt his own arm raise in that body and point to a cabinet high above the rest and set back a bit. He nodded his head in acknowledgement and in thanks to his younger self and then vaulted onto the countertop just below its door, nearly slipping on the mess he had created. Flinging it wide he reached in and found his prize, a small tube about halfway full of a dark green liquid. He climbed down much more carefully than he had gotten up and peered inside of it. His hand shook as he held it up to the light where he could see the gold flecks camouflaged inside as they reflected like small jewels in the harsh lighting.  
  
Knowing that it was the last piece of a puzzle that he was going to be building in the hopes that the final picture will be an unmistakably positive one, he pulled the stopper out and poured a drop from it into the vial of blood watching it turn from red to a vibrant yellow.  
  
 _“Perfect”_ he heard himself say out loud as he put the vial back into the rack,  
  
“ _Amberdine still alive and active within host”_ he jotted down on a pad. Looking around himself at the mess he had created he found a clean and empty vial still sealed on the table which he grabbed along with a rubber tourniquet, needle and syringe.  
  
 _“Gotta do this the down and dirty way”_ he mumbled when he saw that some of the casualties of his search was his best air syringe and hyper RNA masking gun which he assured himself he would pick up replacements for later.

He wrapped his arm tightly in the makeshift tourniquet pulling it taught with his teeth and then inserted the needle. He kicked himself afterwards that he had forgotten to swab the vein down first with alcohol, so used to using the air syringe that does the job for him. Just as he began to withdraw the sample, he dimly heard the crunching of glass under foot behind him which meant that Rose had finally been brave enough to come in to see what all the commotion was about. He saw her out of the corner of his eye before she came fully into view with a clean piece of gauze to hold against the back of his hand while he withdrew the needle, wincing when she saw the amount he had to put in the long tube.  
  
 _“Thank you”_ he said in all honesty, knowing how much Rose hated needles. It took a lot for her to help and he wanted to acknowledge her for it.  
  
 _“Your welcome,”_ she started, and he could almost read her mind when she continued, “Doctor, what happened back there? I mean, that vendor didn’t seem very confrontational, so I just don’t understand why you….”  
  
 _“I don’t know Rose, that is what I am trying to figure out now!_ " His voice louder than he had wanted it to be, angrier than he meant it to sound. He was trying not to panic her; maybe it was something that both of them had been exposed to on the planet and he would have to run some tests on her too. Yes, that was probably the answer. Even as he thought that he knew he was just trying to placate his overactive imagination.


	25. Dorian Grey Redux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diagnosis

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/gp/190433625@N02/w73KCJ)

**_(Doctor Dorian Grey)_ **

(Everything fades my dear Doctor; months down to days, days to minutes to seconds….)  
  
He spun on his heels and took the new specimen over to the opposite counter with Rose right at his heels.  
  
(‘Yes…. come closer Rose, you know I wouldn’t hurt you’)  
  
He almost dropped the small vial as a voice so unlike his own echoed around his mind.  
  
“Rose, can you just back up a moment? I really can’t afford to spill any of this” he told her to counter his internal monologue as she took a few steps back.  
  
He turned back to the task at hand, feeling steadier as he poured another single drop of the green, gold flecked liquid into the new specimen and gave it a swirl before inserting both vials of blood into the portal on the counter that fed directly into the Tardis core for analysis. Rose stepped up to him again when she saw that he was done and put a hand on his shoulder. He turned to her and smiled, covering her hand with his own…  
  
(‘I can feel the blood rushing through your veins, Rose. It makes me so desperately hungry for you. I want to taste you’)  
  
“Are you alright? Earth to Doctor, you ok?” Rose asked, her concern ratcheted up a notch. “You seemed to be a million miles away there for a minute.”  
  
He blinked a few times before responding. “Fine. Just fine.” he lied, taking a step back from her, “And technically it would be more like Universe to Doctor since we aren’t anywhere near Earth right now, and more like light years than miles too.”  
  
Rose laughed at that, happy to have him break the growing tension in the room. It only lasted for a quick moment before his little bit of carefree banter shifted to apprehension again at the low ping that signaled the completion of the tests. As he turned back to the screen it was with a slow pivot, like he did not really want to see or was trying to will it to be ANYTHING other something bad, something other than what he suspected. He stared at the screen and read the results comparing the before and after blood samples with the critical eye of a physician who knew exactly what he was seeing but also as the patient whose only response could be denial. It seemed that the screens scrolled on forever until the final page told the reason for his various symptoms.  
  
**_ DIAGNOSIS: “Full Alondicularamirlapitisun Dioradin - Eighth strain” (abbrev. F.A.D.E.)  
  
TREATMENT: None  
  
OUTLOOK: Terminal  
  
SYSTEMS INVOLVED: Nervous System initially but all systems eventually.  
  
COMMUNICABLE: No  
  
ONSET:  
The virus is acquired through contact with contaminated liquid/s either deposited directly into the bloodstream or through ingestion where it then first attacks the frontal lobe of the Cerebrum before passing through the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. It encompasses all lobes and breaks down all neurons and glial cells, eventually causing full organ failure and finally death.  
  
SYMPTOMS:  
Also known as a “Neural Storm” which may include aggression, impairment of memory, inattentiveness, inability to concentrate, behavioral changes, inappropriate social and/or sexual behavior etc. Regression to ‘feral type’ is common. Can become vicious and ruthless.  
  
NOTE:  
Time Lords will NOT revert back into past regenerations but will often bypass and degenerate to the above-mentioned primitive state.  
  
TIME FROM INITIAL SYMPTOMS TO END OF LIFE:  
Varies from case to case with average being 3 tri-lunar cycles from date of infection with some cases expiring within as little as 1 cycle while others lasting up to 5.  
  
SUGGESTED ACTION TO BE TAKEN BY PATIENT:  
Time Lords should strongly consider the use of their Ceremonial Dagger at the first sign of neurological deficit to minimize the possibility of injury to others._**  
  
‘They knew!! The ceremonial dagger, the liquid that seemed to set the wounds on fire that had carried the virus into his bloodstream...THEY KNEW!!!’  
  
From a distance he thought he heard Rose. She was talking to him. “Doctor what is it?”  
  
“Rose you have to get out of the room. Please leave, just get out, now. Rose, please!”  
  
He begged her, but at that moment he wasn’t quite sure it was his own voice. He had cleared the screen so that she couldn’t read it. He himself had read enough.  
  
He looked into her eyes and she saw only confusion reflected back at her. He took a deep breath.  
  
“I’m sorry but please Rose, please just let me do a few more tests to recheck the results and then I will come and get you. I know; why don’t you get ready for a night under the stars and dinner at somewhere posh, ok? I will find a nice planet with no running involved so that we can just sit and relax.”  
  
His smile was there but his lips were pulled taught to a fine line like he was holding something inside that needed to come out. He grabbed her hand and looked down at it and then back up at her face with his eyes almost pleading for her to, just this once, do what he says.  
  
“Ok, no running…cause if you are sure then it does sound like fun”  
  
“I promise, Time Lord scouts honor.” he replied, holding two fingers to his forehead to seal the pledge. She nodded and smiled back, letting go of his hand and leaving him alone in the room.  
  
But he wasn’t alone. Like the proverbial Dorian Gray, he had found his own horrific image hiding in the attic of his mind and now there were two of them. And the other was going absolutely and positively insane.


	26. A Friend in Need

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50549847601/in/dateposted-public/)

As promised, they had a lovely night out under the stars of some far-off world that even Rose couldn't pronounce but whose name meant _"most beloved"_ in its closest translation in English. 

_"You are, you know."_ the Doctor said, taking Roses hand.

_"I am what, Doctor?"_ but the Doctor only smiled down at her in a way that made her heart skip a beat. Ever since their one passionate encounter after Karn they hadn't had another. He told her it was because he had acquired a flu and didn't want her to catch it but promised to make up for it when he got better.

_"Come on"_ he held out his hand for her to take, _"I want to show you something"_

He led her to the town square which was well lit by the dual moons and filled with shoppers milling around the town along with many street vendors. 

_"They are celebrating the rise of the third moon which is due to come up in about 30 minutes from now. That only happens once every 10 years and is supposed to bring good luck."_

_"There must be something here you would like to get? Maybe even something for your mum?"_

_"Are you alright Doctor?"_ Rose looked at him suspiciously, _"You hate to go shopping with me and hate to shop for mum even more."_

_"Oh, I don't know...I just wanted to see you smile"_ he whispered in her ear which produced the exact result he wanted when she grinned up at him _._ Smiling back, he tugged her along the crowded streets until they came to one vendor who was selling what appeared to be jewelry. 

_"See anything you like?"_ he asked.Rose was drawn to a necklace with a bright red stone attached and lifted it up. _"Here, let me"_ as he locked it in place around her neck. Immediately the stone began to warm up and change colors, radiating gold. The vendor gasped and took a step back. 

_"My lady...I have never seen the stone glow that way"_ he said, bowing slightly _, "For you to stop here at my humble table on this most special of nights truly blesses me."_

The Doctor touched the stone and it changed from a gold to a white color causing the vendor to once again gasp. _"Sir, I am now doubly blessed! Thank you and may your time left together bring you peace."_ and then he added _, "Keep the necklace as my gift and with my thanks."_

The Doctor tried to offer him the money anyway, but the vendor refused. As they walked away, Rose spoke up by asking _"Doctor what did he mean by 'time left together' do you think?"_

The Doctor stopped in his tracks and seemed lost in thought for a moment but then replied _"I am not sure Rose, probably nothing. I need to check on one more thing while we are here."_ he led her over to a fountain located in the town square, _"Just wait here and I will be right back.”_ Brandishing his sonic he turned the dial and was rewarded with a pulsating light. _“Ah HAH! Gotcha!”_ was the last thing she heard before he was swallowed up by the crowd. 

She sat there for about 10 minutes just kicking her feet and people watching when suddenly she heard a voice close behind her calling her name.

“ _Rose? Rose Tyler? No, it can’t be!”_ came a distinct American accent. Before she could turn completely around, she was lifted off her feet in a fierce bear hug. The sound of laughter echoing in her ear. 

_“JACK?!”_ she squealed in delight.

At that moment the Doctor appeared from out of the crowd. _“Rose you won’t believe what I found.... Rose?”_ For a split second the only thing he could see was another man’s arms wrapped around Rose causing him to feel the beginnings of a jealous rage brewing from somewhere deep inside. Then he caught sight of the man’s face and stopped dead in his tracks. 

_“Doctor! Look who it is!”_ Jack put Rose down and turned to see the face of a stranger just staring at him. _“Hello Jack”_ the Doctor said finally as he watched the Captains face light up. Before he knew it, he was caught up in a hug as Rose had been. 

_“Doc, you’ve changed!”_ as the man eyed him from top to bottom.

_“Leave it to you to state the obvious”_ the Doctor replied sarcastically but with a hint of a smile.

_“I see you found my stolen Vortex Manipulator.”_ Jack went to grab the device from the Doctor but he pulled it out of his reach. 

_“I have two good reasons for not giving you this Jack” the Doctor said “one is that it is broken and you need me to fix it...”_ he hesitated. 

_“And?”_ Jack said

_“And I need your help.”_ the Doctor sighed. _“I have contracted a flu native to Gallifrey and it will probably get worse before it gets better. I expect to become delirious at some point and I need you to keep me away from the Tardis controls so that I don’t pilot her into a supernova or worse.”_

Rose went from overjoyed at seeing her old friend to slack jawed shock at what she just heard. She had no idea that he was so sick. 

_“Doctor? Why didn’t you tell me?”_ She stepped up to him and threw her arms around his neck. 

_“Oh you know me...always alright.”_ he offered up a hollow smile that didn’t reach his eyes. He quickly turned his attention back to Jack. _“So...what do you say Jack? Do you feel like coming along with us for a bit?”_

_“Well considering that if I don’t I will be stuck on this rock without a way to leave, I think I will take you up on your offer. Besides, the whole idea of me being your nurse maid and bossing you around gives me a perverse sort of pleasure.”_ he threw his arm around the Doctors shoulders and pulled him close. The Doctor, deep down felt a true sense of peace for the first time since finding out about what lies ahead of him. The road was not going to be an easy one and had only one outcome but he was not alone anymore.


	27. A Night on the Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Shadow stalks his prey

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50403099838/in/dateposted-public/)

_**"** _ _**I can feel the animal inside** _   
_**My resolve is weakening** _   
_**Pounding on the doors of my mind** _   
_**Its nearly overpowering** _   
_**I cannot begin to describe** _   
_**The hunger that I feel again** _   
_**Run if you intend to survive** _   
_**For the beast is coming to life"** _

**“The Animal” by Disturbed**

_“I know I tied him up well, Rose! He was the one who taught me how to do it, damn it! Said he was taught by Houdini himself!”_

Jack was examining the ropes left behind while Rose stood with her arms crossed in front of her chest.

_“Jack if he was the one who taught you how to tie those knots don’t you think he would know how to untie them too?!”_

Jack stopped and looked up at her, and as embarrassed as he was and no matter how much Rose wanted to laugh they both knew there was nothing funny about the situation staring them in the face; the Doctor was loose somewhere out there on the streets doing who knows what. They somehow had to find him before he hurt himself or unwittingly someone else.

He had wanted out. So many ‘outs’ that he felt he should count them all. First, he wanted out of those ropes but that was easy. Then he wanted out of the Tardis which entailed a tiny bit of rewiring because the Tardis wanted to keep him in, but again easy peasy. And since he was out of his mind already (yep, better count that too) he just needed an ‘ _out-of-body experience’_ which he was also planning on having that evening. 

He walked in the night with his senses heightened, paying attention to the boisterous sounds coming out of the local pubs lining every street corner. Most were the sounds of laughter, other voices were angry while others, thanks to his superior hearing were of a sexual nature. A perfect backdrop to the darkness that both surrounded him and had welled up inside his soul, which he didn’t believe he had anyway so that did not bother him at all. It did, however, bother the never-ending voice inside of his head. Tonight, was his to do as he pleased so he told his prime self (as he had come to call it) to fuck off. He had no soul to taint, period.

The steam rose from the manhole covers and the mist hung heavy in the air as he walked on, turning up his collar to ward off the chilly London air. And to hide his face. He liked to be un-readable, especially tonight. 

His steps were sure, and his perceptions focused on everything around him. Street fights will do that to a person, he was now certain. And he should know after the lovely ‘chat’ he just had with the three repulsive gentlemen that he had found down a dark underpass near the Powell Estates. It wasn’t that far from the Tardis, actually. And that meant that they were too close to Rose, and Jackie too. Way too close. Rose was HIS and not theirs. If Rose had come out of the Tardis and decided to take a walk, they would have pounced on her, he just knew it. And NO ONE touches Rose. So, when he saw them there and they saw him and began to walk his way he decided to meet them in the middle. It was dark where they stood, almost pitch black but due to his exceptional eyesight he could make out that the biggest of the three had a switchblade. ‘ _Why did it always seem like the ones who are all brawn, and therefore no brains, were usually the ones to carry a weapon?_ ’ he mused. 

He almost laughed at the idea of them using such a pathetic weapon as a tiny blade against him. All he had to do was stop time around them and that would be that. No, that really was not an option because that is only what a coward would do, and he was anything but.

They came toe to toe and then the three backed up a notch, probably seeing the crazy in his eyes and the smile that was a lopsided teeth-bared kind of thing that raised the hair on the backs of their necks. Unfortunately, they couldn’t back away far enough or fast enough before he was on them.

By the time the dust had settled he was stepping over their broken bodies on his way out.   
  
A part of him felt the need to give them the once over because he was unsure how badly he had hurt them. He saw it all through a haze of red, as if he was standing above the carnage looking down and had just come back to himself wondering what had transpired around him. 

_(‘How did this happen?_ _What had I done to them and why?’)_

A voice that was his but was not at all the same answered,

_‘Rose…. they were threatening Rose, that’s what it was…._

_(“Were they really?”)_

_….and no one can do that.’_

He had to protect her at all costs and if it meant taking down some thugs who were lucky enough to breathe the same air as her then so be it. They were lucky he felt generous that night. He let them live, but he still wasn’t sure why. 

Some other part of himself, his prime self, was still in control he could feel it in there…. directing him, steering him against the course he wanted the remainder of his life to take. He knew he didn’t have much time, had no idea how much but he could feel a slipping sensation in his own head. He pictured being at the helm of a large sailing vessel, trying to make it go one way while the current pulls him another. He could almost feel the creaking of the wood as the planks underfoot broke apart, leaving open gaps he could fall through ( _or something could crawl out of…)_ if he wasn’t very careful. 

( _“Better get back to the Tardis, Rose and Jack will be worried when they find us gone”_ )

Not yet. He had a plan for this evening, well two plans. What he just did to those three delinquents was good practice for the main event and then he would celebrate with plan two. Or had he labeled it ‘plan B’? This bothered him more than it should have as he checked his pockets again to make sure he had enough cash on hand before hailing a taxi. He flagged one down and sat in the seat with a look of contentment on his face as he told the driver where to go. He turned to look back just as an ambulance that was racing up behind them stopped at the scene of the crime. He thought he caught a glimpse of a long coat on a tall man who looked a lot like Jack, watching the cab as it took off. He saw the man’s body tense as if he was deciding whether to chase after him or not.

_“Don’t wait up dad”_ he thought to himself and smiled. 


	28. Doing Time

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50549878081/in/dateposted-public/)

**“** _Well this is a first”_ he mused as he carefully climbed the barbed wire fence, landing quietly in a crouch, then passed quickly across the grounds to the building straight ahead. A couple of flips of the sonic and he was inside. He couldn’t remember a time that he had broken _into a jail_ unless he was saving someone wrongly locked up. Even though it was the middle of the night, he could hear the angry and rowdy voices of some inmates interspersed with the loud snoring of those remarkably sound asleep. He moved from one lock-up to the next, stalking like a panther in the dark and keeping out of view of the cameras. He counted each cell in turn until he finally found the one that he was looking for that held one solitary prisoner, due to be released the next day back into the society that he had plagued for quite a while. Everyone was too afraid of this lowlife to show up at the parole hearing and since he never caused them any trouble behind bars they had no hard reason to keep him there any longer.

The prisoner was sitting at a small table playing with a deck of cards when the Doctor aimed his sonic and shut down the camera covering that area and then pointed it at the lock. The man looked up and saw that he had company as the Doctor closed the bars quietly behind himself. They faced each other; the man who had brought terror into the hearts of so many women now eye to eye with the one who had taken on the role of his judge, jury and executioner. This was the scum by the name of Jimmy Stone that had broken bones, blackened eyes and stolen his own pleasure by raping at least seven women, all of whom had lived near the Powell Estates. He was the one who had tricked Rose into believing he had loved her even as he was out committing these crimes. And not knowing the horrible things he was doing; she had stayed with him. She stayed; first out of her desire to feel grown up and then out of fear of what he would do to her or those she loved if she tried to leave. At the trial he had told her that when he got out he would find her to even the score and had threatened both Jackie and Shareen as well, since they were the ones who came out in her defense five years earlier. Now that he had served his time the Doctor felt he had to act. He could protect Rose well enough, but he couldn’t keep her mum and friends safe in his absence. 

It had to end here and now.

_“Who are you and how did you get in here?”_ Jimmy said in a loud voice, trying to be heard over the other inmates.

_“Wellll…..”_ the Doctor began as he looked around the cell, his eyes landing on a very provocative calendar adorned with naked women and merely shook his head in both fascination and disgust, _“I could say that I am your worst nightmare but that is a bit corny even if it is true, so let’s just say that I am the guy who has decided you shouldn’t be allowed to be set free tomorrow. In fact, you shouldn’t be granted any kind of freedom at all. Ever.”_

When he took a step in Jimmy’s direction that was all that the man needed to spur himself into action. He ran at the Doctor with surprising speed considering the cell did not give him that much sprinting room. At the last minute before reaching the Time Lord he had sidestepped around him, allowing him to barrel into the bars instead. He held onto them and called out for the guards until the Doctor grabbed him by the back of his collar and hauled him away. Jimmy hit the concrete wall hard enough to make him crumble to the ground at the Doctor’s feet. He lifted him up till he was standing, dazed a bit but not too stunned that he didn’t know how to defend himself. If years on the streets and in the prison had taught him anything it was how to fight back. Feigning confusion from hitting the wall, he quickly got behind the Doctor and grabbed him in a headlock, cutting off his windpipe. The Doctor started to gasp for breath but really didn’t fight it as much as he could have. As much as he should have.

_“Yes…”_ he choked out. And then in an almost pleading tone, “ _…please…kill….me.”_

Although shocked, Jimmy squeezed tighter until the Doctor’s body began to go limp. He was giving up, letting it happen. Then, very suddenly there was a voice inside of the Time Lord that spoke to him loud and clear within a singular moment of clarity.

_(“If you die now who will protect Rose from this man? He will get out and go after her and her family and friends! FIGHT!!!”)_

That one thought sparked him back to life. He reached up and using the last bit of strength he had garnered from every life that he had ever lived, grabbed the offending arm by the wrist and pried it away. Then even as he coughed and wheezed when the fresh oxygen hit his deprived lungs, he turned and put his own hands around Jimmy’s throat, lifting him off the floor. Even in his weakened state Jimmy was no match for the strength of the Time Lord. He struggled as he clawed at the hands that held him fast.

_(“Not like this. Don’t kill him…. make him suffer, but don’t murder”)_

The voice inside won out as he let Jimmy fall to the hard-concrete floor. He knew he was running out of time because the guards would be coming by soon to inspect the camera and to do their routine checks, so he had to act quickly. He knelt to face him and spoke quietly, but with venom.

_“I am here because of what you did to Rose Tyler and because you threatened her and those she loves. Remember that. The fear that you instilled in her has now come back to you tenfold. What you had done to her and so many others has sealed your fate tonight, and for the rest of your pathetic life.”_

Reaching down he placed his fingers on Jimmy’s head and forced a specific nightmare scenario into his mind that would never leave him. He may get his physical freedom the next day, but he would never be mentally free of the prison the Doctor had locked him in. It would replay and replay for the rest of Jimmy’s miserable existence and keep him from hurting Rose or anyone else for that matter, forever. 

“ _I have found you guilty of your crimes and this is your punishment,”_ he said as strongly as a mallet on a judge's desk, before adding, _“I said I was your worst nightmare. Here is the proof.”_

Inside his mind Jimmy could see that he was no longer in his cell but in a place he had never been before. Next to him but just out of reach was the ghostly figure of the man in a pin-striped suit who had touched his temples. His hands were in his pockets and he was simply staring at him until suddenly the image wavered and he vanished. Feeling something at his feet he looked down to see body parts swimming in pools of blood. The screams were deafening…. children crying for their parents, adults on their knees bent over the bodies of their loved ones while machines flew all around them, shooting them down with beams of light yelling _“EXTERMINATE”_ while doing so. The smells, the sounds and sights all assaulted his senses, but he could not run. He was frozen in place, watching the carnage repeat over and over until his own screams joined the rest. 

_“Now you know what pain really is”_ the Doctor said out loud even though he knew that Jimmy could not hear him or anyone else for that matter. He would only exist inside of the nightmare that was the Time War, forever. He crouched down and left him a parting gift on the cell floor and glanced back only once at the cowering, sobbing man. He turned and made his way out of the cell and then the prison, back into the cover of the night.


	29. Soul Survivor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Shadow enjoys himself

He ticked that off his list, got into another cab and headed to one area of the city that he knew no one would look. Even the cab driver seemed a little wary when he was told where to go. 

_“Are you SURE you want to go there? I mean, I can take you to places that are a bit safer to find what you are looking for”_

The Doctor was silent, ignoring the one-way conversation but the driver wouldn’t let it go. _“There are plenty of areas in the city where a man of your particular ‘taste’ could enjoy himself.”_

He could almost hear the knowing wink in the man’s voice. He merely raised a hand and shook his head. _“Look, I know you don’t want to take me there, but I am not asking you to hold my hand. If you are too afraid…”_ his voice dripping with sarcasm _, “I can just find someone else with the balls to do so.”_

The driver bristled at the accusation that he was trying to watch out for his own skin, even if it was mostly true. He was really just trying to get this idiot to see reason.

_“Alright mate, whatever you say….no need to stoop that low. I’ll drop you at the corner and then you are on your own.”_

The Doctor sat back in his seat and simply gazed out of the window. The voice inside his head was getting almost too loud to drown out. He rubbed his temples and the back of his neck trying to relax but he knew that there was only one thing that would work. Make that two things; either he could kill himself or escape for a few hours, until sunrise at least, with mind-blowing sex and alcohol and who knows what else. Even through the constant chatter in his mind he couldn’t stop the smirk that crossed his face at the thought. 

The pictures in his head came unbidden; Rose under him as he fucked her until she screamed or emptying himself down her throat as she sucked him dry. So many scenarios, so little time… literally. He really wanted her and not a substitute and he still couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just take her. But the voice told him it was wrong to do so. It told him that if he did what he wanted to do, it would make him no better than Jimmy. 

As a poor replacement he had arranged to meet up with a small, petite young woman with bleached blonde hair to whom he promised a hefty amount of cash for her services. Luckily for him he was incapable of getting any kind of Earth based sexually transmitted diseases. He shuddered at the thought of walking around with one of THOSE types of bugs running rampant through his system. Then again, he would trade what he had for one of those in two hearts beats. 

True to his word, the cabbie dropped him on the corner of a cross street in a rundown area of town. There were people shadowed in the open doorways of the tenement buildings where the only light to be seen was from the red, smoldering ends of cigarettes and the flickering closed sign of an old and battered liquor store. He passed his money to the cab driver along with a sizeable tip, then barely got the door to the car shut before the taxi flew off leaving him behind. Across the corner were a few under dressed and overly made up girls who strolled causally in his direction. They eyed him up and down and smiled like he was some piece of candy they would fight over to own. When they reached him one whispered something suggestive in his ear bringing a large smile to his face along with a raised eyebrow at the comment. 

_“I’m looking for Dariah, anyone know where I can find her?”_ he said, holding out a few large bills to pay for the information. Suddenly he felt the weight of a large hand on his shoulder, spinning him around.

_“What do you want with her? Look a bit fancy to be hanging around this part of town, don’t cha? Your ride let you off at the wrong stop, now did he?”_ he growled out a chuckle as he looked the Time Lord over while reaching for the cash. But the Doctor was quick to pull it back out of his grasp.

_“No, no….,”_ he said with a confident chuckle _, “this is not how we are playing this game. You take me to Dariah and then the money is yours. Until then…,”_ he said, looking the man in the eye as he pocketed the cash, _“…. this stays with me.”_ Another man came up next to the first _. “Trouble with this one Billy?”_ he drawled, emitting a vile puff of smoke in the Doctor’s face. The first merely shook his head. _“From this weed here? That’s a funny one JT …”_

The Doctor smiled and grabbed new man’s wrist, bending it backwards until it snapped in two, the small knife that he was about to stab the Time Lord with falling to the ground. _“What is it with knives and you people?”_ he mumbled then said more strongly, _“this ‘weed’ as you call it is getting very tired of all this and has an ‘appointment’ with Dariah that he would very much like to keep.”_

The second man was now writhing in pain, his wrist broken and his hand hanging useless at his side. _“I’m Dariah.”_ A voice came from out of the shadows followed by it’s owner; a small blonde with big blue eyes that were almost hidden behind heavy lids. 

_“Are you the Doctor fellow who called ahead about me?”_ she asked with an appeasing sigh.

He stepped around his victim and touched the cheek of the girl. _“The one in the same”_ he told her tenderly. _“Now, how about we go somewhere private to complete the transaction_?” He lifted a phone out of his pocket and called for yet another cab ride, finally finding one that was willing to pick them up a block away.

_“We could stay here baby, no one will bother us…. I promise” she_ spoke up finally after the ride was secured.

_“I have already found a better place than this and as for not being bothered…”_ he looked over at the two men, _“I have a feeling that wouldn’t be the case._ ” 

Taking her smaller hand in his they began to walk away from the corner but then the Doctor stopped, turned around and gave a final warning. _“Being a Doctor, I am very good at knowing not only how to fix a bone, but to break it as you have now experienced, so unless you want more of them broken I would do as Dariah said and leave us alone.”_ Pulling her along behind him the Doctor made it to the next corner where the cab was waiting, escorted her in and then left for parts unknown.


	30. The Shadow Retreats

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50549161873/in/dateposted-public/)

In the aftermath he didn’t remember much of it at all. Just the parts that felt something like rapture and a bit like ecstasy but neither of them complete. Like praying to a fake God (he’d been there, done that and got the t-shirt to prove it), where the holy water tasted like booze and the bliss was felt only when he closed his eyes and pretended really hard he was with someone else. This ‘Rose,’ which was what he called Dariah with her permission, knew just what to do to make him cry out and vice versa but unfortunately so did her seven male friends who had found them days later still holed up in the hotel they had checked in to. He was caught quite literally with his pants down, and was paid back in full for his treatment of the now one-handed wanker JT. 

It was at the moment when he knew that he was outnumbered and going to get a beat down that his shadow self-decided that he’d had enough fun and let the REAL Doctor, the prime part of himself come back to the surface. 

So now there he was, lying on Rose Tylers old bed in her old pink bedroom with one Jackie Tyler mopping his brow and muttering curses and kindness in his direction. 

_“What??? How???”_ was all he could manage, totally confused as he tried to sit up but then groaned when he realized that would be a horrible thing to try to do with a right arm and two ribs broken. At least she was nice enough to place his arm in a makeshift sling and bandage up his ribs as best as possible. _“Oh he’s back with us I see.”_ she said, not snarky at all.

 _“Jackie? OW!” he said as_ she started to clean a deep cut under his eye with the wet towel. He tried to bat her hand away but gave up when she gave him one of her classic _“I-am-going-to-slap-you-into-your-next-regeneration”_ looks. He didn’t think his cheek could survive the hit.

 _“How did I get here?”_ he practically whispered, afraid to look her in the eye like a dog who knows that they are the runt of the pack and have met their match.

 _“You seriously don’t remember?”_ she sighed, the doubt in her voice giving way to a makeshift explanation, "Well _, long story short from what I could get out of the cab driver that left you at the bottom of my stairwell, he was told to bring you here when a few men had found my name and address in your wallet.”_ She paused for a breath, _“And when you are completely healed, I want to know why I am the one who you have listed as ‘if found please return me to’ person. Just what the HELL were you doing out there anyway? You are breaking my daughter’s heart...…”_

He ignored her questions and complaints because…well, for one his memory was a bit too foggy to give her the complete answer and what he did remember was also way too embarrassing to tell.

 _“Rose? Where’s Rose?”_ he managed to get out before a wave of nausea hit him along with some dizziness. Concussion probably. Just great. 

_“She’s on her way. Called her back in your stupid box and she had been worried sick!”_

He moaned out loud. He hoped she hurried before he fell into a healing coma. He needed to rest to let his body recuperate from the ordeal and it was going to happen at any moment now. Maybe it would be for the best if he just….

It was a bit of sickening DeJa'Vu when he awoke again two days later still on Roses old bed but this time it was Rose herself that was sitting over him. He felt much better with almost all his major wounds healed but his hearts began to ache and beat quadruple time when he saw her face. She had been crying and just recently too. 

_“Rose….”_ he managed to choke out of his parched throat, _“What’s wrong?”_ but he knew. Stupid, stupid Doctor...oh how he knew. 

She helped him sit up and offered him a glass of water which he drank down with thanks.

_“Why did you do that? How could you do that? I thought that we…. that you and I…”_

_“ROSE!! Come quick!!”_ he could hear the urgency in Jackie’s voice and immediately jumped to his still wobbly feet, thinking the worst. _‘If any of those thugs have come to hurt her….’_ he thought to himself _,_ the storm ready to rise at a moment's notice.

Rose was already out her door with him close behind as they barreled into the parlor. The Doctor was met with the angry eyes of Jack who was already sitting there waiting for Rose. 

_“Rose! Look at this!”_ Jackie was pointing at a news broadcast on the TV. The reporter was talking about a man in the local high security prison who was due to be released the day before but was now on trial for the attempted murder of another inmate. The broadcaster went on to report that as the prisoner pinned the other convict to the ground he had been heard to say _“MUST EXTERMINATE,”_ repeatedly and also that he had attacked with a small knife which was definitely gotten from an outside source. The guard's records show that they had checked all the cells thoroughly the night before and found nothing out of the ordinary. 

_"Since he was due to be released the next day he must have just snapped. It just didn’t make any sense to try to hurt another inmate with his release imminent."_ the head of security was quoted as saying. 

He was taken down by the guards before he actually injured anyone, then placed in solitary confinement. Rose stared open-mouthed at the screen. It was Jimmy Stone. 

The Doctor for his part stood there, detached and unreadable. He knew. He remembered. And of all the things he did that night it was the one thing he was not sorry about. Jack also looked almost unreadable as if he too knew something the rest didn’t. He had only suspected that the Doctor had something to do with Jimmy, but he wasn’t sure. He knew the term exterminate all too well, having heard it when he himself was taken down by a Dalek such a long time ago. It seemed a bit too coincidental to have Rose’s old ‘boyfriend turned stalker’ muttering it like a madman now. 

_"It was you, wasn't it? You did something to Jimmy...you must have. Only you could have known how to get in and out of the prison without being seen and only you who could have messed up his mind enough to drive him crazy."_

Both Rose and Jackie looked over at the Doctor waiting to hear what he had to say. Rose suspected him too but waited to hear his answer.

Still standing stone faced, the only telltale hint was the way his jaw clenched under Jack's scrutiny. 

_"WELL?!"_ Jack stood and it was only then that the Doctor acknowledged him.

 _"And what if I did? Are you going to stand there and judge me knowing the danger they would be in if he was released?"_ he cocked his head in Rose and Jackie's direction.

Jackie walked up to him at that moment of admission and the Doctor prepared himself for the slap of his many lifetimes but was shocked when he was caught in a bear hug instead.

 _"I don't know what you did or how you did it and I don't want to know. Just...thank you."_ she sighed, as if she had been holding her breath since Jimmy's conviction and could finally set it free. The Doctor just nodded _'you're welcome'_ against the top of her head, caught off guard by her reaction. Jackie nodded back and released him just as he glanced back at Jack who had stepped up to him. Jackie went back over to Rose and the two women stood comforting each other while watching more on the TV.

 _“Doctor, we need to talk.”_ he said to him, as quietly as possible with the Doctor nodding yes, they did in fact need to have _that_ discussion. He needed to tell Jack everything that Rose didn’t yet know. 

“ _Doc…. what the hell?”_ he began but before he could continue the Time Lord merely raised a hand to stop him.

 _“I’m dying Jack. No regeneration. Just….death and not much longer now”_ he was grateful that his other self-had stayed in the background for the moment so that he could straighten out the mess he had put them both in before it got too much farther. Hearing the news sent Jack reeling, literally, back against the counter of the kitchen where they had found themselves. 

_“Doc?”_ was all his friend could say, still so utterly confused. He had been ready to argue with the man in front of him but now he was thrown for the proverbial loop. He just needed answers. _“How is that even possible?”_ he sputtered out.

 _“Even Time Lords can die Jack, you know that.”_ He sighed both with sadness and relief at being able to finally vent to someone. _“I was given a very old virus back on the planet Karn by an equally old enemy who knew more about my physiology than any other being outside of my own, and who had an old axe they wanted to grind, as the saying goes. They wanted to get to Rose but failed. That is all that matters."_

 _“There has to be a cure somewhere, shouldn’t there?”_ Jack’s concern written all over his face and tainting his words with hope. _“I mean, so much time has passed that someone somewhere must have come up with a way to beat it….”_

 _“No, Jack….just, no.”_ not wanting to give any false hope to the Time Agent than he had for himself, _“No one has ever worked on this virus since the destruction of my planet because it only affected my people and with them gone, well, there was no record of it except what I myself know.”_

_“Even the Tardis has no further information on it because all of her knowledge comes from me.”_

Jack had to ask the next question because it was burning inside of him to know.

 _"Was that you that hurt those three thugs on the street last night?"_ Before the Doctor could even open his mouth, Jack had to ask the most important question, _“And did you take the knife from the three men and leave it with Jimmy Stone?”_

The Doctor gave a frown of confusion and then a lightbulb seemed to go off in his head as to what ‘thugs’ he was talking about. _"Yes, from what I can remember that was my ‘shadow self,’ as I call him, and he is the one that left the Tardis last night. He…I mean we ran into three men who attacked us in an alley. My ‘shadow’ saw them as a threat to Rose. And to answer your other question yes, we did leave the knife, but we were pretty confident that he would use it on himself and not endanger anyone else.”_

To say that Jack was still confused was obvious with one look at his face. Yes, he knew that the Doctor had been sick and been acting erratically which is why he wanted to be restrained but he had no idea that he was capable of the things he had done or that what he had was something that would take his life. He just thought he would get over it very soon. He listened as the Doctor explained further.

 _“I seem to have been splitting off into two lately, not uncommon for what I am suffering from….”_ He pulled out a hypodermic from his coat pocket. _“This has been about the only thing that has kept the ‘other me’ at bay, but sometimes and as the disease progresses, ‘he’ has been coming out before I can give myself an injection of a suppressant.”_

As Jack watched, the Doctor rolled up his sleeve and, after looking back at the kitchen door quickly gave himself a dose before adjusting his clothing again.

 _“Its effects are wearing off quicker as more of my grey matter gets unceremoniously chewed up, unfortunately. This is the main reason I plan on leaving Rose here tonight,”_ the Time Lords shoulders slumped, and he shrugged _._

_“She is in too much danger without me being able to keep that part of myself forced down completely. I could hurt her Jack, and I mean really hurt her and I won’t risk that. You can’t let her know….”_

_“Looks like he won’t have too.”_ He heard a woman's soft voice from behind him say.


	31. Sadly Ever After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose hears part of the story

_“Rose….”_ He started, shocked at hearing her voice so close. He turned to face her, prepared to explain but she wasn’t going to let him.

_“No, wait a minute before you come up with some lame excuse and or lie to me, what is going on?!”_ She was so angry, the more she thought about him leaving her the angrier she got. _“How could you even think about doing that to me?! Am I that worthless that you just want to run off with someone you just met or have you been talking to her all along when you were supposed to be tinkering on the Tardis???”_ She took a shuddering breath, _“You even muttered her name while you were sleeping!”_

At first the Doctor was confused, his memory still a bit blurry but rapidly coming into focus. ‘ _Did she think that he…did she REALLY think he wanted to replace her with someone else…. with…. with”_ he struggled with his thoughts, _“with DARIAH? Oh, what a mess he had made.’_

_“Rose, you two need to talk without me hanging around so why don’t you both go back to the Tardis and chat and then I will come by when you are done?”_ The Doctor gave the Captain an angry look for even mentioning that they BOTH return to his ship. 

_“Come on then, we need to hurry and I will explain why when we get in the Tardis”_ he grabbed his coat and as he was just about to exit the apartment he stopped and turned to face Jackie. She was standing there confused but still looking strong, even as her own tears flowed freely down her cheeks. Whether it be for him or for her daughter or both he didn’t know but what he did know was that she helped nurse him back to health. She took him in and watched over him and for that he would be forever grateful. And for raising Rose all on her own. He never gave her the credit she deserved, maybe no one ever did. At least he could leave her with that. He walked over to her and wrapped her in his arms. 

_“Will you slap me if I tell you how grateful I am for all you have done for me and for Rose?”_ he paused there to look her in the eye and taking her by her shoulders told her, _“Because you need to know how special you are and don’t let anyone ever tell you any different.”_

She pushed him away, but he knew it was just a bit of embarrassment at being so openly complimented that made her do so. He wasn’t offended, he just smiled at her and turned back to Rose, grabbed her hand and walked away from the only home he had ever known since losing his people. He was going to miss it, at least for the time he had left.

If he had thought that HE was angry he was in for a very rude awakening. Rose had pushed past him into the Tardis, making the door swing back into his face. Now SHE was REALLY angry! She got as far as the center console before she spun on him literally pushing against his chest.

_“Why did you do this? What could possibly make you go out, attack three men….and yes, I obviously found out about it from Jack who wouldn’t have known about it himself if he hadn’t heard it from a Torchwood agent friend of his.”_

The Doctor was all ready to defend himself regarding his perceived affair with Dariah and was caught off guard that she would ask that question first.

_“This isn’t going to make much sense, but I felt that you were in danger from them. That even your friends and your mum were in danger too.”_

_“But none of us were there!”_

_“I know, I KNOW!”_ he yelled back _, “Like I said, you wouldn’t understand!”_

Now he was pacing around her as she watched from a frozen stand still, eyes like daggers ripping into him.

He could feel it. Could feel the deadly stare she was giving him. He could also feel the answer to her question rising out of his own murky depths to deliver it.

_(‘NO! I will NOT let you do this; you just keep your place until I can explain it to her.)_

_(‘But who would be the best one to tell her, hmmm? You or me?’)_

_“Doctor?! Are you going to pay attention to me, or should I just go to my bedroom until you feel ready to chat?”_

He had been staring at the grating the whole time but now he raised his eyes to meet hers. _“No, Rose…. we…I…”_ fighting for control _, “I want to explain it to you, everything needs to be explained, I know that.”_ He went quiet again, distracted by the battle with his internal demons.

_“Well?”_ she stood there waiting.

Once she realized that he wasn’t going to offer her any real explanation she moved to pass him to go to her room.

Inside of his pockets his knuckles were white, and his nails were digging into his palms. He reached for her and caught her upper arm as she passed him, causing him to squeeze too tight and for her to yelp in pain. She pulled herself free and backed away from him down the hall.

_“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…never meant to hurt you,”_ then he added, _“Ever.”_

_“I am going to go and just take a shower and then we can talk, ok?”_ she pointed over her shoulder to her door _, “I think we need a break, ‘ya? Just some time to calm down a bit and then we can meet in the library.”_

She didn’t wait to hear whether he agreed or not, just turned the handle, stepped inside and closed the door in his face.

He felt it all, right there and then all his 900 plus years of life and was grateful it would all be over soon. He had hurt too many people and now Rose as well. He shuffled his feet on the grating as he made his way back to the console. 

Placing his hands on the silent center column, communing with his ship he let out a strangled sob with tears threatening to spill over as he repeated _“I never meant to hurt her….never anyone but especially never her.”_

Pulling the vial out of his pocket along with the syringe, he cursed because he only had about half a dose left as he rolled up his sleeve and injected it. He needed to tell Rose why he had to leave her behind even if it broke all of their hearts to do so and he couldn’t risk letting his defenses down…not now especially. He felt the medicine hit his blood stream, following it through his organs until it hit his brain. He had to stay in charge to be the one to say goodbye and to tell her why he would not return for her even as he felt his control slipping. 

His fingers opened, the now crushed and empty bottle falling in shards through the grating below. He looked at his palm and the small amount of blood from where the glass cut him, feeling the cage inside burst open. He began to turn towards the infirmary to get a full bottle of the drug when he stumbled and fell.

_“Not enough…”_ was the last coherent thing he said through gritted teeth before he hit the grating below.


	32. Fairy Tales From Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! NONCON SEXUAL SITUATION FOLLOWS. PLEASE SKIP IF THIS WOULD BE A TRIGGER FOR YOU!

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50549763211/in/dateposted-public/)

She found him collapsed by the console, the sleeve of his shirt rolled up on one arm and an empty syringe along with what was left of a small bottle lying a few feet away. She knew he had been taking these shots regularly as an antidote to the Gallifreyan flu he had but this was the first time she had seen him in such a state. She remembered when she was young and had the flu. She had such a high fever that she had to be taken to the hospital because she was delirious and incoherent. 

_“DOCTOR!!!”_ she rushed to his side, immediately placing her head against his chest and was rewarded with the sound of both hearts beating, if a bit fast for her liking. 

_“Well hello Rose, so nice for you to check on me. This feels nice.”_ She felt his palm on the top of her head, fingers caressing through the strands of hair. 

Relieved to hear his voice, she turned to look at him but was met with eyes that were as much familiar as they were totally alien, more alien than she had ever seen. He wasn’t so much looking at her as leering. She found herself scooting back from his prone form just a little. For just a second his fingers started tightening in her hair and didn’t let go, forcing her to tug a bit to loosen herself. 

_“Doctor, did you hit your head? Are you sure you are ok?”_ she reached back and began to rub the spot where her hair had been pulled.

_“Oh Rose Tyler, I have never been better”_ he smiled as he stood up. 

He stepped over to where she was still kneeling and reached his hand down. She placed her trust in him, thinking that her perception may have been wrong because he seemed fine now as she reached back. He skimmed her palm with his own but then passed it by and grasped her wrist and drew it up until her hand pressed against the prominent bulge between his legs. 

_“Now Rose, you naughty girl….ahhh….I take that back, because NOW...oh now I have never been better.”_

Rose tried to pull her hand back, but he held her firm. _“Doctor you need to let me go, something is very wrong with you”_ she tried to stay calm, but this just wasn’t like him, wasn’t at all familiar. Granted he could be a bit dominant as a lover, but he never frightened her like he was doing now. One minute he was out cold and the next he was initiating something totally out of character. Something just felt WRONG.

_“Rose, all you had to do was ask.”_ he whispered darkly in a voice that she usually associated with how the sinner and sometimes even the savior from one of her mum’s trashiest novels would sound. It was very erotic but very dangerous at the same time. 

It was like he was hypnotizing her with his voice and with his chocolate brown eyes that were now two deep pools of coal and darkened with desire. Under her palm his cock twitched, as if straining to reach her through his trousers. Ever so slowly, so slow that she was starting to think that he had altered time around her, he had opened the button and was lowering the zipper under her palm until her hand was against his hardened flesh. 

_“Now…. wrap your hand around me...yes...just like that, good girl”_

She couldn’t help herself, she felt compelled to follow his instructions. His eyes were closed now as he guided her hand with his own, pumping him in a steady rhythm. She knew instinctively how he liked to be touched; tighter on the upstroke and almost feather light on the down and that is how he was directing her now. 

Suddenly he stopped and pulled her hand away, where it fell loosely to her side. 

_“I think I know what you REALLY want Rose. I can see it in your eyes, you are hungry…. aren’t you?”_

Then taking his hand and resting it on the back of her head once more, he brought the now weeping tip of his cock to her mouth. He rubbed it against her lips before pushing through them in a shallow thrust. Above her she could hear him let out a long hiss of pleasure right before his hardened shaft pushed further until she had to relax her jaw to take him all in. From there her mind almost totally shut down, concentrating on trying not to gag when his thrusts took on a punishing pace of deep and then deeper still. He held her there as he fucked her mouth, threatening to spill down her throat at any moment. She knew the signs and he was oh so close. 

There was a part of her mind that was rebelling. Surely that had to be true because she felt that she was sucking the cock of a stranger. But that part of her thought process was being suppressed somehow and it was at that moment that she noticed the fingers of his left hand grazing her temple. She could feel him inside her head, telling her how much she wanted to do this, how good it made HER feel to give HIM pleasure. Rising up inside her own mind she mentally swatted him away as she physically wrenched his fingers off her. The connection broken, he was thrown off his game for a moment as he stopped thrusting and she backed away enough to shake her head as if to clear it. After that it was just a matter of standing quickly and shoving him hard against his chest, causing him to fall since he was still tangled up in his trousers. 

She turned and began to run towards her room, which she noted was now the first one to her left instead of down the hall. The Tardis, sensing her distress had moved her door closer to aid in her escape. Still, she knew she wasn’t out of danger yet as his voice rang close behind calling her name and for her to stop. She could hear his ragged breaths coming closer as she made it through the door and closed it behind her before he slammed his body into it just as she managed to turn the lock. Again, the Tardis intervened, throwing a deadbolt on it for good measure so that even his sonic was useless in opening it. 

She could hear him as he paced back and forth, hitting her door with his fist every now and then, begging for her to let him in with promises not to hurt her. He would try the doorknob too and then mutter curses at both her and the Tardis for forming an alliance bent at keeping him out. 

Pressing her ear against it, she could hear his mumblings on the other side. It was as if he was having a one-sided conversation…


	33. Talking to Himself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Shadow integrates

" _ **Hiding from the light**_  
 _ **Sacrificing nothing**_  
 _ **Still you call on me for entrance to the shrine**_  
 _ **Hammering the nails**_  
 _ **Into a sacred coffin**_  
 _ **You call on me for powers clandestine**_

_**Are you on the square?**_  
 _ **Are you on the level?**_  
 _ **Are you ready to swear right here, right now**_  
 _ **Before the devil**_ "

**“Square Hammer” by Ghost**

_(‘Leave her ALONE!’)_

_“No! She is mine and I can do as I please so just crawl back into that hole you came out of and shut the fuck up!”_

_(‘This is WRONG, and you KNOW IT! I LOVE Rose and won’t have some damn idiot, alter ego or not, scaring the hell out of her and trying to RAPE HER!’ Because that is all it would be you know, RAPE! You would be no better than that scum Jimmy if you do this!’)_

_“Well you have no say right here or right now, do you?”_

_(‘Oh…yes I do, just watch me!’)_

As he walked the grating, his prime self-became quiet. Or more aptly put, deadly silent. But he felt him…before he could shore up his defenses, a powerful storm in his head that was building with a force of such savagery that it tore through every feeble wall he had managed to put in place ahead of it. As he turned his gaze inward, he found himself staring into his own eyes, but they were unblinking and sending off sparks, threatening to burn everything down. 

He was forced to stand there and show himself, both inside and out, held in place by the other’s willpower alone, caught in the utter chaos that had become his own mind. He watched in terror as all manner of cells in his body broke down, the thunder from the storm destroying them all…. laying waste to his mind little by little. He knew then, what ‘the other’ was trying to show him…. his end. _‘_

_'Come home’_ his Prime self ordered as he was being taken over, absorbed back into what was left, the pull of the Prime self too strong.

_'Funny’_ his Shadow self thought before disappearing into the arms of his true self, _‘that at my death I am made whole again.’_

The Doctor cried out in agony, wanting to bang his head against something very hard to counter the searing pain that had taken root at the base of his skull and was working its way upwards. He would have laughed at anyone who might have called it a mere ‘headache.’ Too small of a word for something so torturous. He made it back to the console room, begging the Tardis to intercede…to take away the agony but all she could do was send what she hoped was a soothing pulse of understanding to him. She couldn’t fix it; no one could. 

From there he stumbled down the opposite hall to a room that he had the Tardis construct for him a long time ago and one that he rarely visited. It contained all the special objects he had acquired throughout his travels. As he entered his headache seemed to fall away enough that he could focus his thoughts again. Inside were special books from the planet Xaxian telling of their legends which were based off of his own legends from Gallifrey, artifacts that he personally had dug up on Pachel which he buried there as a young boy on an outing with his parents, drawings he had made of Arcadia, the crowning jewel city of his home while the images were still fresh. Everything that he had found or kept that brought back memories of happier times from living on Gallifrey. Even a letter from Ohila which was written to the council on his behalf telling how proud she was of him and knew he would make an excellent Time Lord. 

Then there was the box. The box that held memories of a whole different sort, the kind of memories that he never wanted to remember but had to. The Earth saying that _‘those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it’_ came to mind.

These were his memories of the Time War. 

Pictures of friends he had lost, pieces of rubble from the dome that surrounded the city, a small child’s toy that was lying in the dust. So much anger and sorrow and tears shoved into one small box. He gently moved those things aside until he found what he had come for. With great reverence mixed with fear he reached for it, his fingers just touching the ornate handle before grasping it and lifting it out. 

It was his original ceremonial dagger.

He tried to ignore the cries of the souls embedded within it, really tried not to touch the blade that held the voices of every life he had taken by its use. He could hear the faint echo of them all coming down into the hilt, calling for him. Begging to be released.

_“Ssshh…not much longer now”_ he promised, trying to quiet them as he left the room with the dagger in hand and headed back to the console room. 


	34. An Unwelcome Favor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To save the life of a person with a death sentence.

He had a bad feeling and Jack knew all about bad feelings. He knew to trust them because they were usually right. It had been over 3 hours since the Doctor and Rose had left and still no word from either of them. That, in and of itself put him on high alert. He calmly excused himself from his chat with Jackie and headed towards the Tardis. The closer he got the stronger the feeling. He was about to knock when the door burst open of its own accord as if to say, _‘what took you so long?’_ The room itself was bathed in a blood red light, not the usual green which he was used to illuminating from the Time Rotor. 

_“What’s going on ‘ol girl?”_ he asked aloud and was answered with a set of lights on either side of the grating that stretched out in front of him, disappearing down a hallway. He immediately began to follow them until they ended in front of a door which was painted pink. He could hear crying inside. On the floor in front of the door was a sealed letter with her name on it.

_“Rosie?”_ he said softly, then when there was no answer, he said it a bit louder,

_“Rose, there is a letter out here for you.”_

_“Jack?”_ she finally answered between great gulps of air.

“Y _eah Rosie, it’s me…let me in…you ok?”_

_“Are you alone?”_ she sounded desperate to him now. _‘What the hell happened?!_ he thought to himself.

_“Just me darlin’, open the door”_ he could hear her unbolt it and crack it a bit so that she could peer out. With a rush she flew into his arms and clung there sobbing softly. He was relieved that she appeared unhurt.

_“Where’s the Doc?”_ he asked which just had her clinging even more tightly to him. 

_“I…I don’t know”_ she looked around as if expecting him to jump out at them.

_“Jack…. oh Jack…he tried to…he…”_ she broke off, not able to continue, her body tight and tensed up as if ready to bolt. _“Something is really…. really wrong with…with him Jack”_ she continued, relaxing just a little as Jack hugged her back _, “it was like…like he was someone else”_

_“I know Rose, I know”_ he said while all the while thinking _,_

_“What do you mean by ‘I know’?”_ she pulled back a bit to look up at him _, “Jack? What is wrong with him?”_

_“Here, take this and let’s see what he said”_ he handed her the envelope which she tore open quickly. Her hands shook as she read it, her eyes went wild as she neared the end. Sobs wracked her small frame as her chest heaved, trying to catch her breath.

_“Jack…. he’s dying?”_ she sounded too small to be saying such a terrible word. Jack started crying with her then, grabbing her back into his embrace, holding each other as if that would make it all better.

_“I only found out just before you came into the kitchen.”_ He told her, _“that is what he wanted to try to hide from you. He was making me promise and then you walked in.”_ she just merely shook her head. 

_“So, the part of him that tried to…to force his way with me…that was…”_ she began but Jack jumped in, _“That was a part of him that he could not control. The part that was out the other night and the part that visited Jimmy in jail.”_

She gasped because he did not mention that in his letter. She wondered how much more she did not know. But then she thought, what does it really matter now that she knows he is dying. 

She found herself becoming angry _, ‘why didn’t he tell her?!’_ and _‘how could he try to make her believe he would be fine?!’_

Before she could take her thoughts any further, she received a most definite warning nudge from the Tardis. She had never felt anything like it and there was no mistaking the mental PUSH she was being given to hurry.  
  
At about the same time another set of lights came up on the grating leading back to the Console Room as if urging them to follow.   
  
_“Stay here Rosie,”_ the Capt. said even as he had begun walking away.  
  
 _“Jack, I need to know what is going on”_ was her answer as she stayed behind him but followed close. 

The lights suddenly veered to the left of the centralized room stopping at a door that Rose had never seen before. They could hear the Doctor inside quietly whispering but could not make out the words. Motioning for her to be quiet he turned the handle.


	35. Mirror Mirror

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50581729836/in/dateposted-public/)

The Time Lord came to what he called “The Hall of Mirrors"; because that was all it contained. At least that is what anyone who could find the well-hidden room would say if they ever stumbled into it. There were eleven mirrors inside, normally all covered but now stripped of their cloaks. He had removed them when he walked in, unceremoniously revealing one after the other. He knew this would be the only audience he would need as witness. He called to each mirror to show itself, to reveal what lies behind the veils and was rewarded with every body he had ever possessed. None of them looked happy with his decision but that really didn’t matter. The only one that did was the empty eleventh which would forever stay just a mirror, devoid of life. 

He walked over to the mirror with the number 10 carved in a very ornate wood, filled with spirals circling the mirror itself. It would be his home for eternity but that was only IF he could be freed from the blade. The Tardis might be able to figure out a work around to transfer his spirit over, but it would be a dicey situation at best. 

He had sat down and wrote a letter to Rose which told her everything he needed to say. He tried to explain as much as he could, telling her he was sorry and that he loved her. It was the hardest letter he had ever written in all his lives. Lives filled with so many words. The letter said more with only two pieces of paper than all the words he had ever spoken or written before. 

He took the hilt of the dagger in his hands again and felt its weight, calculating the best angle, depth and position to deliver the fatal blow. He spoke quietly over it as if trying to soothe the blade itself. It was an old prayer, if you could call it that, from a world where the people didn’t believe in such things. They had been stuck in their single-minded belief that _they_ should be worshiped, and the prayers if any should be given up to them.

But this mantra spoken in his native tongue was older than the Time Lords. And as the memory sprung up from his readings of the ancient texts as an initiate into his chosen path, a path that had lead him exactly where he was at that very moment, he wondered if he had known how his end would come would he have shut the book and not read on? Would he have abandoned it all? It was so long ago, so many lifetimes ago.

If he had turned a blind eye, he knew he would have died back there with the rest. And if THAT had happened then children would have become slaves, Daleks and Time Lords would be Gods, and Rose Tyler would never have found out just how special she was to the universe. And to him. Because she was….so very special. 

Just thinking about her caused the tears to well up. He had to remember that he was doing this to protect her. Along with freeing the souls captured in the dagger of course, but her protection was always his number one priority. Even if his darker side was now caged, he was still going to die and soon. He could feel it, how the timelines were circling madly around him. They were pulling away as if they sensed his loss of control. He didn’t want her to have to watch him fall to pieces. He would rather go out on his own terms.

And he had to remember that he had hurt her AGAIN and others as well. He should have done this sooner. 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50549957441/in/dateposted-public/)

Even as his thoughts danced over the clinical facts, weighing the good and the bad in his mind, the blade itself called out for him to hurry. He couldn’t block out the sounds for long, so he gripped the handle tightly, his knuckles white. He could hear them, almost see their faces at the moment when he conquered the evil within each victim and watched them die. Now he was the evil that needed to be destroyed. He stood outside of himself and looked on as he raised the blade with his right hand and aimed it between his hearts while with his left he pulled open his white shirt one button at a time until his chest was exposed. 

He knelt and bowed his head, breathing slow, eyes closed.

He felt a sense of calm overtake him

He was unafraid.

And strong.

Ready to have his voice added to the blade, freeing the rest. 

He took one deep breath, exhaled as his left hand reached up to steady its twin, another deep breath in and….


	36. Intervention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unwanted visit from some old 'friends.'

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50581311973/in/dateposted-public/)

He never heard it. The door opened behind him, but he was so caught up in the calculation of the force and depth of the blade strike and so immersed in the repetition of the words that his usually hypersensitive hearing didn’t pick it up. Suddenly he felt two strong hands encircle his wrists, grabbing the knife out of his grasp as they did so. He spun around to find a wide-eyed Jack Harkness staring back at him. 

_“Jack!”_ he said in shock but then with a dark growl, _“Jack, give that back to me.”_

 _"_ _What…so you can just haul off and kill yourself? I don’t think so.”_ the cocky American answered.

 _“I am a dead man anyway, damn it!”_ He trailed off as Rose came into view. The Doctor took a few steps back.

 _“I read your letter,”_ she said, barely above a whisper _“please don’t do this.”_

She reached out her hand, but he moved further away. All he felt was self-loathing for what he had done to her and then anger at coming so close to ending his life in a manner of his own choosing but having that choice taken away.

 _“Rose, I am allowed to pick how I want to die!”_ not able to make eye contact, at least with her. If looks could kill, then Jack would be dead thousand times over for taking away his right under the laws of his world to decide for himself when and how to die. And to have him forcibly remove his own dagger from his hands was a whole other matter entirely. No one should ever touch something that sacred except another Time Lord. In his hearts, he knew that Jack did not know these things, but his mind was seething with rage, his body shaking with the fury of it. 

Rose could see it, could feel it like a static buildup in the closed confines of the room. There was a distinct vibration that she at first thought was just her imagination but then as it got stronger, she began wondering if London was experiencing a freak earthquake. She glanced over at Jack who stole a quick look at her and she could read in his face the unspoken “ _What the hell is that?”_

In retrospect, he never should have taken his eyes off the Time Lord. He should have seen the warning signs flashing brightly all around them but hindsight being what it is he never stood a chance. Something MASSIVE was about to happen and they were at the epicenter of it. 

One second Jack was glancing at Rose and the next he was on the ground with the dagger back in the hands of its owner and the blade pressed to his throat. 

_“Rose get out_!” Jack yelled at her, _“Do it Rosie, leave now!”_

But she refused to budge. _“He won’t hurt me Jack. Or you! Doctor let him go. He was just trying to protect you from yourself. He is your friend! OUR friend!”_

 _“JACK….”_ The Doctor all but snarled, ignoring her _“JACK…”_ he repeated but this time there was a distinctive duplicity to his voice like there were two of them speaking in tandem. 

_“NOT…NOT…ENOUGH TIME TO…TO…INTEGRATE COMPLETELY,”_ he said, panting for breath, eyes closed, body still shaking. The hand holding the dagger trembled as if there was an internal battle being waged. Then he refocused and looked back down at Jack, eyes the color of fire.

 _“I’D KILL YOU NOW BUT I KNOW IT WOULD DO NO GOOD, NOT WITH YOUR DISTINCT ABILITY TO ‘WAKE UP’ AND DO IT AGAIN”_ his voice losing the echo, speaking now in a low and other-worldly tone, his full and powerful Time Lord voice. 

The storm was still there, all around them. Still sending strong enough waves of anger for both to feel. Rose literally had to brace herself against the mirror next to her to stand, it was that strong. She had never known the Doctor to exhibit anything like this. Then again, she had never known him when he had nothing to

lose. She had never seen him with a death sentence. Of course, he was angry. 

_“Doc…”_ the Captain spoke quietly, trying to calm him, _“You don’t want to do this.”_

Rose only had a second to ponder whether Jack meant that the Doctor didn’t want to hurt him or to hurt himself before something else changed around her. She felt a very distinctive warmth seeping through the hand against the mirror and rising up her arm. It wasn’t anything she wanted to recoil from, in fact it was a bit reassuring like a warm blanket on a cold winter's night. 

_“YOU’RE RIGHT JACK, I DON’T. BUT WHAT YOU DID…YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU DID! I CAN HEAR THEM JACK, THEY ARE ANGRY NOW..THEY WERE ALMOST SET FREE UNTIL YOU….YOU STOPPED ME!”_ he continued, a look of madness flying through the sparks in his eyes, in his set jaw and shallow breaths. Both Jack and Rose thought it was simply another manifestation of his disease coming to the surface, this talk of people being set free.

 _“He’s not lying”_ a familiar yet unfamiliar voice whispered to her, _“they’re in the dagger Rose, they are stuck in the blade.”_

Rose knew it wasn’t the Tardis because these were words clearly being spoken to her followed directly by an image of hundreds upon hundreds of people…people who radiated evil swirling all around her. Yet she felt protected, she knew it was only a picture and that she was in no danger. But he was, the Doctor was. 

It was at that moment when all hell broke loose.

The vibrations seemed to be moving from the ground up the walls to the ceiling forcing the glass of the mirrors to vibrate and finally to shatter one by one, except the one her hand had been against. She was ‘told’ to let go and she did, instinctively backing away as that mirror shattered as well. 

Ghosts stepped through. Nine apparitions stood in front of her that were each rapidly solidifying and stepping towards her Doctor. 

_“NO!!!”_ he screamed as he was dragged off and away from Jack who stood quickly and grabbed for Rose’s hand. One of the men took the dagger away from the Doctor and pocketed it. 

_“It’s you! How can you be here?”_ Rose found herself staring at her first Doctor who was one of the nine restraining the struggling Time Lord. 

_“Hello Rose”_ he smiled at her, _“sorry we had to meet again like this.”_ She couldn’t help but smile. As much as she loved her present Doctor and as much as she knew that they were the same man, she still missed this ‘version’ sometimes.

_“So, I did turn into a pretty boy, ‘eh? Glad you decided to stick around.”_

_“This is the culprit, right here.”_ The unfamiliar yet familiar voice spoke from behind her. They turned to face a man with chestnut curls and stunning blue eyes, someone that Rose felt she had definitely met before. He was holding up the dagger for them to see. _“In his deteriorating state and consequent lowered mental barriers, the voices of all who had perished by our hand and became one with the weapon are coming through much stronger than they normally would.”_

Then he added as if he read her mind _, “And yes Rose Tyler, we certainly have met before. In fact, you were the one who gave me hope throughout my darkest days_ _during the war knowing that I would meet you again someday.”_ One more look into his eyes and she knew that he was telling the truth, despite not knowing how. He took her in his arms, much to the loud throat-clearing of the Ninth and the very vocal _“Oi, back off Casanova!”_ from her present Doctor who had not stopped thrashing against the many overpowering hands that held him. 

_“Did all you see what he did?”_ Looking over at Jack, _“He took the dagger from out of my hands! I had every right to try to take his head off for that!”_

 _“Stop acting like a prat and a low-life coward just because someone cares enough to try and stop you from being so self-destructive_. _Besides we both know that he had no clue as to what this dagger was meant for!”_ a man wearing a stalk of celery, of all things, admonished. 

_“You have to let your future play out naturally and not use the release of the spirits locked within the blade as an excuse for suicide! Besides, for all they had done they don’t deserve to be freed! They should stay right where they are!”_ another with a long, multicolored scarf added.

 _“EXACTLY!”_ they all seemed to respond in unison.

 _“YOU are the last of us and WE collectively feel that you are shaming all we stood for by acting this way! We know it is the hardest thing you have ever done in this particular life, but you must face it and not run away. And yes, we consider using the dagger running away. Look at what you are doing to Rose and to Jack…go on…”_ a very old man with white hair sternly said as he pointed to both of them. The Tenth looked their way and saw the hurt and love in their eyes. 

Rose stepped forward _, “We…Doctor; me, Jack and my mum too…none of us want to let you go this way. I think I can speak for Jack and my mum when I say that we will stand by you until the end.”_

Jack nodded _, “Even if you just threatened to take my head off with a knife at my throat, I can let it slide”_ he smiled at the Time Lord who had now quieted and, although he did not smile back, did seem to be taking in all that was being said.

She watched her Doctor as he seemed to struggle to ask a question. Sighing in exasperation he finally asked his Eighth self, the one that she knew but she didn’t know how _“Can you see how much longer until…”_

Since he was the one who could see the timelines better than most, his Eighth incarnation put up his hand, closed his eyes, and then sighed. “ _All I can tell you is that it is not much longer now. You are in the final stages.”_ And then he took a step back, turned a bit pale and seemed like he might pass out. Then he righted himself, glanced quickly at Rose before looking back over at her Doctor saying,

_“…But you have very powerful friends with their own secrets to reveal to you when the time is right. I can’t say anything more than that.”_

_“Stop sounding like a ridiculous greeting card_!” a strange man with a head full of curls and a coat of crazy colors chimed in.

 _“Now, can we trust you to not try a stunt like that again?”_ her previous Doctor asked, adding, _“I think Rose wants and deserves to have a very serious chat with you, am I right Rose?”_

He knew her well enough to sense that she still had a bunch of questions and a fair amount of anger of her own bubbling right under the surface. Rose merely nodded, finally able to lock eyes with her present Doctor. She could see the defeat reflected back to her from within. 

_“I’m…”_ he took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh, _“I’m sorry Jack…Rose, I never meant to hurt either of you”_ he looked down again, ashamed of his extreme, not to mention dangerous, reaction to what Jack had done. And then there was what he had done to Rose earlier. He was devastated about how he had hurt her, how he kept hurting her. His mind took one final dark turn thinking about the stash of aspirin he kept in the infirmary for any companion who might require it and how he would only need one tiny pill to guarantee it wouldn’t happen again. 

Another coward’s way out.  
  
Ultimately though, he knew that his previous selves were right. He would let time dictate when he had to go. He would face his future; however short it might be with his head held high. 


	37. Full Exposure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth is told to Rose

After the Tardis had all of the mirrors restored and his prior incarnations were safely sent ‘home’ with the promise that he would not try something like that again (the dagger was kept by his Eighth self for safe keeping.) He followed Rose into the Console room, feeling a bit like a lamb being led to the proverbial slaughter. He had so much to say to her, more so now than when he wrote the letter. 

Thankfully and only after watching him give himself a larger than normal dose of the suppressant did Jack agree to give them the alone time to speak. Even after explaining to him how that one disease milestone had passed (which he was happy about even though it meant that his time was shorter than he had hoped) Jack still insisted that he would meet up with them again in one hours' time after swimming in the pool and grabbing a quick lunch in the kitchen. 

_“I’ll be OK Jack. Just go ahead and let the Tardis spoil you for a while, you earned it.”_ she told him, all the time watching the Doctor with her arms crossed over her chest. Jack gave them both one last look before heading to his room to change. 

_“Rose...I... I’m sorry…”_ he stood there shaking his head with his arms to his sides, palms up in a show of defeat. _“_

_I don’t know what to...how to…”_ exasperated, he gave up and merely waited for her to start. Seconds ticked by until almost a full two minutes later when he could not stand the silence anymore. 

He looked up to see that she had tears rolling down her face. He wanted to bridge the gap between them but felt riveted to the spot. All he could do, the only thing he felt he would be allowed to do was to watch her suffer. She tilted her head slightly and he looked on as a stray lock of hair fell over her face. His fingers itched to right it like he always had. Simply touching her cheek would have brought him a bit of peace. That small thing, which would have meant ‘all is forgiven and back to normal’, would never be his to experience again. He almost wept for those lost, normal moments denied to him by fate. 

He stood there watching her do it instead, just that one tiny thing that she will go back to doing alone. The first of many other simple things she would do without him. New places to see, faces to smile at, hands to hold. Kisses to give and kisses to receive. Love to share with years upon years to experience it all, after he is just a memory. He could practically see her new timeline stretching out in front of her before he forced himself to mentally look away. It hurt too much.

‘ _See Rose, you will be fine without me’_ he thought, taking comfort in her small accomplishments, the tiniest victories. He thought about all these things, even as his hearts broke under their weight and his tears threatened to spill over. 

_“Why? All this time trying to convince me you would be fine. WHY?!”_ her venom shot out like a canon, jolting him back into the present. 

Their eyes met again across the room that seemed to have grown bigger and the space between them larger than before. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came, the sound of his jaw snapping shut almost loud enough for her to hear. 

_“I deserve to know why you did this to yourself. To US! Why?”_

_“Rose, it’s... it’s... complicated”_ he mirrored her stance, arms crossed defensively in front of him.

_“No, no, that is not good enough. You don’t get to lie to me, have sex with prostitutes, nearly kill Jack and yourself, come close to raping.... “she_ couldn’t finish the sentence. Images unbidden came back to him in a rush, shaming and damning him at the same time. 

_“Well, in case you hadn’t noticed I am very sick Rose and not in my right mind... whatever that may be... and haven’t been for quite a while, ever since Karn so don’t try to make me feel any guiltier than I already am because it just isn’t possible!”_ he spat back, now equally as angry. 

_“I thought I knew you, but I was so wrong. That other part of you, that dark part... you kept it hidden so well that I just couldn’t believe you would ever...in your last body, he would never”_ she trailed off; her anguish palatable.

_“I destroyed my whole planet Rose, every last one of them...all those people including my own friends and my family...even children Rose”_ he was breathing hard, trying to rail in his anger but failing, _“...THEY WERE REDUCED TO DUST BY MY HAND, THE HAND THAT BELONGED TO MY PREVIOUS BODY IF YOU STILL WANT TO SPLIT ME IN TWO BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER, AND YOU KNEW I DID THAT BUT YOU ARE SHOCKED THAT I COULD CHEAT OR THREATEN JACK OR ANY OF IT?”_ he was advancing on her now, in long strides he was in front of her. Grabbing her by her shoulders and shaking her a bit, forcing her to look him in the eye.

_“So don’t you DARE think that you can stand there in judgement of me because if there is something after this life, then all too soon I might be kneeling in front of millions of others who have more of a right than you do to ask me the same question!!!!”_

He released her then and walked back over to the other side of the room where he began to pace.

_“I am not leaving you”_ she muttered so low even his hypersensitive hearing almost missed it. _“You can try to push me away, try to scare me or threaten me but you will never do anything that will make me give up on you...on us.”_

He threw a few levers roughly for no reason except to vent his frustration _._ He kept his head down, not daring to look at her in the state he was in.

_“Oh yes you are and yes you will. If I have meant anything to you then you will move on and not pine away for a dead man!”_

_“I love you too much to ever give up on what we have together. Even if...even when you die, I will never stop loving you.”_ her voice stronger now, the sound of her trainers on the grating, shifting in place.

_“See what I mean Rose? THIS is PRECISELY why you have to stay behind, with your mum and Mickey and all your good friends. Where I am going, well, it is a one-_ _way ticket, no round trip, no regeneration to fall back on.”_

He looked back over at her and she could see the panic in his eyes. This man who had never felt that primal fear of death was all but filled with it to the breaking point. As if reading her mind, he continued, “

_“Death and I go WAAAY back Rose, but he can only be cheated for so long and my number is almost up. Payback is going to be due and it isn’t going to be pretty. You have to stay here and start a new life without me. The Tardis will slowly die without a Time Lord to guide her so I can’t let you sit here and wallow in self-pity inside a dying ship. No, my mind is made up on this. You will stay here on Earth and that is just how it has to be.”_

_“NO!”_ it was her turn to get her point across strongly, _“You will NOT kick me out while you are sick. After all you have given up in your life...after all you have done for not just me but countless others, I will not let you die alone, do you hear me?! After you are gone, I will leave but not before. So, you can just stuff it because I am not going anywhere!”_

_“My ship, my rules Rose.”_ he was giving up at that point with a last-ditch attempt to pull rank knowing in his hearts that she would not go and that deep down he really wanted her to stay. It was a half-hearted command, and she knew it.

_“No!!!”_ When she knew that she had won she finally let herself succumb to her fear and disbelief at the whole situation. She found herself so torn inside that she laid the blame for the whole mess at his feet. _‘It was all his fault’_ her irrational side said, and she gave him hell for it. Next thing she knew she was on the floor, then in his arms and finally naked and entwined with him on the jump seat.

_“Please don’t leave me, please don’t die_ ” she pleaded with him when it was all over and she was lying in his arms in their bed, her tears running down the side of his chest as she begged. _“I can’t live without you.”_

_“Yes, you can, and you will. You will have a glorious life, Rose Tyler. You don’t need me around to prove that to you. You have already proved it a hundred...no wait...hundreds of times over.”_ he smiled down at her. _“I’ve counted them all so it would be more like 749 times. Besides, “he_ added softly, "I _am here right now and isn’t that all that matters?”_

All she could do was nod her head yes, that really was what mattered most. 


	38. Brave Enough to Die

**_When I'm standing in the fire_ **   
**_I will look him in the eye_ **   
**_And I will let the devil know that_ **   
**_I was brave enough to die_ **   
**_And there's no hell that he can show me_ **   
**_That's deeper than my pride_ **   
**_Cause I will never be forgotten_ **   
**_Forever I'll fight_ **   
**_And I don't need this life_ **   
**_I just need…_ **   
**_Somebody to die for_ **

**“Somebody to Die For”**

Time passed and all she could do, all any of them could do was watch him slowly disappear as the disease picked him apart. First he began to forget things such as how to fly the Tardis and the names of the different stars he had known by heart. He began to loose the ability to move with his legs going out from under him from time to time. She caught him sitting by the console one day, staring at nothing with tears streaming down his face. This all powerful being reduced to an empty shell. So lost and so small looking up at her with eyes that seemed to be pleading with her to help but knowing she couldn’t. 

She actually had a moment where she wished that Jack hadn’t intervened when he was poised to take his own life. And try as she might a small part of her couldn’t let that moment go. As much as the universe needed him to be there to right the wrongs and to stand against the evil that was now probably running rampant across the stars, she needed him more. The Doctor might be gone but the man she loved was still in front of her hurting and afraid. 

Then came the night she found him collapsed on the grating in the hallway that lead to her old room. It appeared that he had pulled himself along trying to reach her but couldn’t make it. At first she thought she had lost him until she heard him whisper her name. 

_“JACK!”_ Rose yelled for him and he came running. He lifted him in his arms, noting how little he weighed since he had started to refuse to eat and brought him to his bedroom where he laid him down. They watched helpless as his body contracted into a fetal position and what appeared to be a seizure racked his slight frame. A groan of anguish escaped him ripping through Roses heart. Jack had to drag her out of the room to shield her from the sight of the Doctor who Jack assumed was in excruciating pain. 

( _“Alone….so alone. Cold. Tired.”_ )

_“Where is that coming from? He’s unconscious, but... that sounds just like...!”_ Jack began running down the corridor and back to the Doctor’s room with Rose and Jackie close on his heels. 

( _“So…. tired.”)_

Walking back into his room they found him where they had left him, still on his side in bed curled up. Not moving and barely breathing. 

(“ _Can’t see...dark. Got to…. got to find...light”)_

His voice, like a distant echo, bounced around the room until it faded. Only then did Rose realize that the natural hum that she had always had in her head from the Tardis was missing.

Instead, the ship was directing all her energy into projecting his telepathic thoughts while protecting the mind of her favorite son of Gallifrey. She was doing what she could for him as he walked the fine line between this world and eternity.

_“It’s the Tardis,”_ Rose pulled in a shaky breath _“she is helping us hear his thoughts so that we might be able to talk again.”_ Rose wanted to hear his voice, but she didn’t want this, she couldn’t bear to listen to him sound so far away and so lost.

( _“Can’t see….no one…. there...no one…”)_

Then suddenly they heard, _(“Wait...”)_

( _“Very...different...this...speaking but not”)_

There was a pause where even the air around them seemed to tremble in anticipation of what would come next.

_(“Jack…keep…. her...safe...Jack”)_

None of them expected to hear him sound so rational, so ‘present.’ How he could know that Jack was in the room, they weren’t sure. Hearing his name spoken in a tone more reminiscent of the man he had known sent shivers down Jack’s spine. Forever the soldier, albeit a renegade one deep down, his whole demeanor changed when he heard the command coming from the only man left he would still take orders from. 

He felt compelled to answer. At least to let him know he would do his bidding.

_“Doc? Rose will be ok; I give you my word I will watch over her until she tells me not to.”_

( _“Thank you. Jack…. never said...sorry for... leaving you.…. never should, please...forgive...never would...again….wouldn't”)_

The ghost voice rattled around the large room. Jackie looked over at Jack who seemed confused at first but then simply bowed his head, realizing what he meant and having it hit him hard. 

_“It’s ok love, he forgives you.”_ Jackie had to fill in the blanks for Jack who was just now realizing that he was holding on to something that, when all was said and done didn’t matter in the least. There was nothing left to forgive. 

_“Doc,”_ Jack began as a tear ran down his cheek, _“That was so long ago and...and don't feel sorry, please”_

Immediately there was a response, with the Time Lord very present in the room. The one who knew time better than anyone.

(“ _No Jack….no…. there is no…. ‘long ago,’ time…’wasn’t’... time ‘isn’t’ long ago...time isn’t…’then’.... time isn’t ‘now”)_

_(“Time just isn’t”)_

He was fading now, his voice filled with raw emotion.

_(“Jackie…. good mom...thanks...for loving...giving...…family...again…so long since knowing...since feeling...having…. home.”)_

Jackie, who had been so strong for her daughter and so strong for Jack now broke. She buried her head in Jack's neck as he held onto her and let her sob. 

_“Thank you for loving and protecting my daughter, you stupid alien you. When you wake up, I am going to slap you back out for causing us to worry and for…”_

_(“No”)_

He stopped her from continuing.

_(“No wake”)_

They all fell into a heavy silence. He had just made it all very clear. He knew his fate and was making sure they knew it too. He wasn’t going to give them false hope.

( _“Rose?”)_ he said in almost a whisper, and then once more in a stronger voice…

_(“Rose”)_

( _“Be...happy…. please….someday…. happy”)_

She felt it then, a warmth surrounding her, her lips gently touched. One final hug and a kiss that should have meant forever but only meant goodbye. It was all he could leave her with, all that was left of him to give. She had closed her eyes and raised her fingers to her mouth but felt nothing there but her own flesh, the feeling leaving her as quickly as it had come. Then she heard the faintest whisper in her ear, an echo of the past sighing,

_(“My Rose..Love..You.”)_

She replied aloud with the first thing that entered her mind, not even thinking how selfish she was being and not caring either.

_“Then don’t go.”_

The only sound was the silence that was too loud to her ears as they all waited for a response that she knew he could not give.

Jack went over to him and felt only the tiniest puffs of air across his palm and the fluttering of his hearts instead of strong and steady beats. They did not know if it would take moments, hours or even days for him to take the final journey away from them. There was no one who could tell them how long he still had, no other Time Lords alive who knew what the final stages of the Fade would be. 

What they DID know about this particular man was that he seemed to be making a mockery of the one thing he could control, the one thing he could always control and that was Time. He was and still is the last of the Time Lords and if Rose knew anything about him, she knew that he would not want his kind to disappear into extinction when he still had the willpower to make a difference. 

Jackie went over to him and gave him a gentle hug and a kiss on his cheek then left the room to put the kettle on, leaving Jack and Rose alone. Neither of them knew what to do next except wait for the Doctor’s next move. Jack was still sitting next to him, his fingers on the Doctor’s wrist as if counting the uncountable heart beats. 

_“Rosie, has he ever told you what to do in a case like this? I mean, what do we do with his body when he, if he…”_ Jack trailed off when he saw the sheer horror and anger in her eyes.

_“You talk like he isn’t lying there right next to you. He is still breathing Jack!”_

_“Don’t you think I know that!!”_ he stood now, his anger matching hers, _“When I check for a pulse I can feel the blood running through his veins, I can see his chest rising and falling so I know he is still breathing, although barely. So, you don’t need to sit there and lecture me about his PRESENT condition Rosie because I know!”_

By now he was stalking around the room, hands flying, emphasizing every word. Rose watched him, eyes still glaring even while the tears fell. 

_“Stop it, just shut up! Jack, we KNOW he can hear us so don’t you dare talk about him like he is already dead!”_

She stopped and just looked at Jack and this time she could not stop the onslaught of tears from overtaking her. It was the first time that any of them had used that word and it hit home like a stab to her chest. Suddenly she felt like she couldn’t breathe as she put her head in her hands. Jack knelt in front of her and held her, words of _‘I’m sorry’_ spilling from him over and over again as he rocked her. 

_“He’s really going to die, isn’t he Jack? I am really going to lose him this time.”_ She said it as a statement of fact and not as only a mere possibility. 

Jack thought for a moment not knowing how to answer. He always had faith in the Doctor who seemed to be bulletproof or, maybe it was better to say ‘death proof’ seeing that he could regenerate. It made Jack feel like a thief at times and right now he wished more than anything that he could give the Doctor what he himself had an abundance of. Life. So much life that it weighed him down sometimes. He couldn’t share it with the Doctor, but he would make damn sure that Rose would always be safe. He loved both of them too much to not see it through.

_“Rose I will give you my opinion because I really can’t know what will happen. And my opinion is that as long as he is breathing, he will always have a chance.”_

She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tight. It really was just what she needed to hear even though he may not be right. She understood this all too well. She thought back to the things he had told her about what was normally done to a Time Lord's body after death just in case he was to die before he could regenerate. He wanted to make sure she understood just what to do for him. He told her that he knew it was a lot to entrust her with, but he also knew that she would do the right thing even if it was the hardest thing she would ever have to do. 

Jack was right. She needed to tell him because she didn’t think she could do it alone.

_“He had told me once that the body of a Time Lord must be burned so that no one could desecrate it. He had said that the power behind his physiology, such as regeneration, would kill whole populations of people if they ever tried to replicate it.”_

_“Where can we…. then? You know, if we need to…”_

She thought for a moment, closed her eyes and asked his wonderful ship what they could do for him after he was gone. She reluctantly gave her an answer.

_“The Tardis showed me that all will be prepared for when and if the time comes so I think that she will make a place for him in one of her rooms. A new room that looks like Gallifrey , on the shores of Lake Abee….Abeedos I think is how it is pronounced. I can see a picture of it in my head and it is so very beautiful.”_

Jack knew that there was really nothing more to be said, at least for now. Anything more than this and he would be taxing her with more than what she could tolerate. She needed to rest but that was much easier said than done.

As much as they told her that she should get some sleep she would not leave his side. Jackie had reentered the room just to let them know that the tea was ready, then took her only daughter in a fierce hug. _“Rose”_ she admonished, _“You have to rest. You aren’t going to be any good to him if you don’t”_

_“What if he begins talking again or what if he gets cold and needs an extra blanket, mum? What if he suddenly wakes up and he is alone? No, I won’t leave his side until he…”_ she never finished the sentence. She didn’t have to, they all understood her meaning. 

_“Sweetheart if you need anything, no matter what time you just call out and we will come running, ok? Promise me?”_

Jackie was beyond herself in her helplessness to do anything more than wait. She would have gladly spent the night holding both of them, all Rose had to do was ask. She really would miss the Doctor, THIS Doctor. When Rose had brought home the first Doctor, she took an instant dislike to him and because of his obvious distaste for anything domestic or human for that matter. He would call her daughter a “ _stupid ape”_ and ignore her need for her family. He always felt ‘ _dangerous’_ to her. 

But this man in front of her, alien though he was, she respected more than she had ever admitted. He truly cared about Rose and vice versa. They never said it, but she knew all the signs. They loved each other so fiercely but that kind of love put her daughter in a position that only Rose could fulfill. The Doctor had told Jackie once that Rose had given him his life back. That she had saved him, even from himself. If he was to lose his life tonight it would have to be Rose and only Rose that was with him in the end. 


	39. Happily Never After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! SMUT FAIRY HAS RETURNED!

**_Well "happily ever after" fails_ **  
**_We've been poisoned by these fairy tales_ **  
  
**“End of the Innocence” by Don Henley**

Rose was finally alone after changing and crawling under the covers next to him. His back was against her front as she wrapped her arms around him pulling him in close to her nude body to try to impart some warmth to his ice-cold form. The Tardis had started a roaring blaze in the fireplace directly across from the bed that, on top of the number of blankets that she had cocooned them in, had turned his room into practically a sauna. Even though she was almost melting in the intense heat she would not pull away, her own comfort be damned. It didn’t seem to matter as his body stayed cold and unmoving. Rose ran the fingers of her left hand through his hair to try to soothe him, to get him to do something ANYTHING to let her know he could feel it, could feel her. Her right hand was pressed against his chest, right between his failing hearts which brought up the memory of him telling that woman at the Shadow Proclamation that they belonged to her now, for as long as she wanted them.

‘ _Well dammit,_ ’ she thought irrationally, ‘ _I never agreed to return them yet.’_ She never said, ‘ _oh here Doctor, I am done with them now so please take them back’_ like some stupid library book filled with the most magnificent fairy tales, that was due to be returned before she got to reach the end. 

(“ _Rose, all happily ever after’s end when you close the book….)_

Unbidden, that simple thought brought another memory back which was one that she was so very ashamed of but couldn’t deny. Recalling that when he had finally come clean to her about the extent of his illness, she had argued that it wasn’t fair (because _it wasn’t!_ ) and that THEY deserved to be happy too. Where was THEIR happily ever after?!

She had sobbed and ranted about all of the ‘happily ever afters’ they had given to so many other types of friends and lovers and damn it to hell, just about EVERY kind of pairing you could imagine while risking their own happiness in what was viewed as simply ‘another days work.’ on their part. 

She cringed with the memory of how he had stood there, eyes fixed on the tips of his trainers while she practically _blamed_ him for all this, screamed in his face that it was HIS fault because he had tried to save lives. Even though he HAD saved HERS in the process. She practically laughed when she thought about how he received a terminal illness as a parting gift for all he had done.

He never answered her, just waited for the thunder of her rage to pass. No utterance of, “ _it will be alright_ ” or _“shh, we’ll get through this, you’ll see.”_

He never said, _“I’ll be fine, it will pass_.”

He had lifted her up from the grating where she had found herself collapsed in a heap and carried her to the jump seat where he had rocked her like a child (which she was, compared to his 900+ years) and whispered that sentiment to her, with tears in his eyes something so meaningful and true that it was almost lost inside the storm she had created. 

_“Rose, all happily ever after’s end when you close the book. Doesn’t matter what page you are on when you do it.”_

Even as he held her and rocked her, he allowed her to ‘rage against the dying of the light’ that was inside of him. He did not stop her when she battered his shoulders, back, and chest knowing that it was the disease she was trying to beat into submission and not him, not really. Never him.

At first, she tore at his clothing piece by piece while he sat quietly, granting her his silent permission to strip him bare. But then when her hunger changed to need, he became angry. Not angry at her, not really. Never her. Just the life he could feel in her warm skin and her strong heart as it pumped her clean and untainted blood through her body, as if mocking his poisoned one. He let himself get caught in her whirlwind and shredded the armor of her clothing so that he could feel that precious life against his own dwindling one. 

And then, when they were naked and ferociously starving to feel the life still left inside of each other she had mounted him and took him inside of herself for safe keeping. If he wouldn’t tell her what she needed to hear then she would take it in its most pure. There was no tenderness here, not now, not when his tomorrows were limited. She impaled herself over and over as he thrust up into her, meeting her passion for living with his own which, at that moment was so very strong, but would dim like a flame reaching the end of its wick all too soon. 

She remembered how he had reached all the places both inside and out where she burned for him, touching, rubbing and caressing each in turn. Coaxing even the dimmest embers to ignite and fan out. And then quite suddenly she felt everything that he was and everything that he had been, plus all the things he might have possibly become had he be given the chance, burst into her heart like a seed where it would forever be embedded in fertile soil. She had thrown her head back with a strangled cry of ‘ _oh God’_ and the repeated chanting of his name, screaming her pleasure to the heavens while he simply watched in awe and reverence.

She had felt her powerful contractions clamping down over and over around him, catching him in her riptide, pulling him along just a moment in time behind her. His whole body shook and stiffened as he had held her down on his length while he soared, his cries like the song of a warrior entering the battlefield alone, played to the tune of a funeral dirge.

And it was her name that went out to the universe since there was no heaven that he believed in. And no God. 

He had only and always believed in her.


	40. The Woods Between the Worlds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally the truth from a character believed gone

Even through the seriousness of the moment everything had been so peaceful as she stroked his forehead and down the side of his face. She had closed her eyes and envisioned the calm surrounding them as a shade of quicksilver, in contrast to the ribbons of gold that she imagined herself to be, twirling around his body and then his soul. She could almost feel the life in him burning through, trying to get out. But instead she fell into him.

Whether real or imagined she saw that there were trees that were so massive and tall that she could not see the tops. A fine mist twirled around her while a warm and gentle rain fell from above. It was one of the loveliest places she had ever been in and one of the most welcoming. 

Rose had felt another presence before seeing the red robes that stood as such a stark contrast to the deep greens surrounding her. Even though the figures back was facing her, a woman’s voice called out.

_“I have been expecting you, my dearest Wolf. Come and sit. I was just about to pour the Moula tea.”_

Rose, a bit wary stood her ground, her arms folded protectively across her chest. The woman turned and just like the tree’s and the mist Rose felt nothing but a warm and welcoming nature behind those young, yet soulful green eyes. She took a few steps towards her, seating herself on a flat rock that circled around the large fire in the center of the clearing. The young woman sat close enough for Rose to take in the mysterious stranger's calmness and make it her own. 

_“We share something in common dear Wolf… a deep love for one certain Time Lord so you do not need to fear me. We both want him to recover so we will battle together to try to make it so.”_

The mention of this woman loving the Doctor raised a small red flag in her mind which the stranger was quick to dismiss.

_“Young one, you have no reason to worry so please put that aside. I was merely his teacher and I have always taken an interest in his growth. I am very proud of him as I know you are as well. Just as you love those that raised you and instinctively feel the peace that this forest brings, this is how I love our Time Lord and no more than that. In fact, I am so happy that you two have found each other!”_

She looked in Rose's eyes and instantly Rose knew she was telling the truth. She also _‘knew’_ who she was speaking to.

_“You are Ohila? But the Doctor said that you were very old and, pardon me for saying but you look about my age and not old at all”_

Ohila laughed loudly at this and Rose found herself laughing along with her.

_“Oh Rose, don’t let the passage of time fool you. I AM old...and young as well. Time is nothing really. It flows in and out like a river with many twists and turns. It never flows straight from beginning to end.”_

She paused to sip her tea as did Rose. The delicious flavor burst inside her mouth tasting like nothing she had ever had before.

_“This is amazing!”_ she commented to Ohila as she took another sip. Ohila nodded her head. _“I am glad you like it! I picked the berries fresh from the bushes found near the water's edge. Not only do they make a wonderful tea they are also very good for you. Especially good for the growing cub you carry.”_

Rose stopped mid sip, looking wide eyed at the woman.

_“The WHAT?”_

_"Your Wolf cub, the magical Child of Time that is growing within.”_

The next thing she knew was that she was looking up from the forest floor at the concerned face of Ohila hovering above her. She was patting her hand and talking softly to her, _“Oh my dear, oh dear, oh dear I am so sorry. I thought your little one would have made his presence known to you by now…”_ She trailed off as Rose slowly sat up with Ohila’s help.

_“You are telling me that I am pregnant?! With the Doctors’ baby?”_

Ohila smiled brightly, _“Yes dearest, you carry the hopes and dreams of the Universe within. A new race of Time Lords begins with you.”_

Ohila helped her back to the rock she had been sitting on. His wise teacher knew that in order to save the Doctor, Rose would have to change her perception of her own reality which is never an easy thing to do. Everything depended on her acceptance of the Time Lord in his true form.

_“You have much to learn my Wolf. Let’s have our first lesson, shall we? But then again…,”_ Ohila raised a finger changing her mind, _“First why don’t you tell me about him, tell me about your Doctor.”_

_“I don’t understand the question, really, unless you mean before and after he regenerated?”_

_“Go on…”_ Ohila prompted _._

_“Well,”_ Rose continued _, “He had blue eyes and short cropped brown hair which transformed to brown eyes and spiky, wilder brown hair after he regenerated. He is tall with a wonderful smile. Very brave and so very smart...”_

Rose stopped to think about what else she could tell Ohila when she noticed that the Sister had put up her hand to stop her.

Ohila smiled while shaking her head, _“No, that is what your limited senses are telling you, and I mean no insult. They have been all you have ever known. Here, take my hand.”_

Ohila stretched out her hand which Rose took and Ohila gripped tightly.

_“Can you feel my hand holding yours?”_

_“Yes, of course I can...I just don’t understand what this has to do with saving him.”_

_“Yes, you do understand, you are just letting the senses you have always depended on guide you. But think for a moment, are we in a forest? Really in a forest or are you just seeing what your senses want you to see?”_

Rose immediately let Ohila’s hand drop, a look of shock passing over her features coupled with the beginning of a new understanding. She had forgotten where she actually was. She hadn’t thought about how she had gotten there.

_“You are being fooled by your eyes the same way he was fooled by the simple words that he believed sealed his fate.”_

_“You mean that he has this illness?”_ Rose said hopefully, still trying to work through her bewilderment at her surroundings.

_“No, he does have the Fade and everything up to this point has been due to his sickness. Everything he has done, all the things that have gone against his true nature was because of the infection he was given by the Eternals. No... what has brought him to these woods between the worlds is his belief that it would take his life. It was what he was taught when still a child, about how he would contract this affliction if he did something evil and how it would destroy him in the end. He steadfastly believes this. It is a fact to him, no more...no less. It is a very difficult thing to unlearn something that had been drilled into you for so long. All the young Time Lords were fed the same story.”_

Ohila paused, thinking back to her time on Gallifrey.

_“Did he ever tell you about his home and how there were no jails, as you understand them?”_

Rose, who had been listening intently, shook her head no. He never really spoke about his people except to tell her about the good things and she never prodded him about it either because it caused him so much pain. There had never anything bad, which she was always curious about. No place was perfect. 

Ohila continued, _“No he wouldn’t have told you about the evil on his world because almost all of it was wiped out by the Fade. It was taken care of under very hush-hush conditions. The person that the Council considered to be guilty of any transgressions would unknowingly contract the illness after taking a drink of water that carried the virus, placed there by a High Council member. One simple sip would seal their fate. Once they would start to exhibit symptoms, they would be taken to their healer and be told that they did indeed have the Fade. Then it was just a matter of time before they succumbed to it. Or rather, until their BELIEF stilled their hearts. They had been told and taught that the Fade would kill and therefore, it did.”_

_“Wait, are you saying what I think you are saying?”_ Rose stood there aghast.

_“That this is the closest thing to assisted suicide you could ever get, yes”_

Ohila closed her eyes, suddenly feeling tears welling in them.Of all the people to suffer this fate he would have been the last she would have chosen. She had known some bad Time Lords in her time and, although she never would condone the use of a virus as a correction, she understood how the High Council could see it as being a necessity. But even then, to tell someone that it would take their life is barbaric. Even though her Time Lord committed genocide there was no other choice left to him. And he had suffered so much because of it, had never let himself appreciate the good he has done since. She gasped…

_“Oh no….”_ she said out loud. _“Of course!”_

She tilted her head slowly to look at Rose again, her eyes wide.

_“Rose, our struggle will be harder than I thought. Part of him, a dark part is grateful for being given this death sentence. A strong part of him welcomes this!”_

Rose could see the wheels turning in the Sister’s mind.

_“Most people who contract this disease either do not believe they have wronged and/or fight against what they believe to be the end of their life even though their belief system of the fatality of the Fade wins out in the end. They go through what your people had aptly named the Five Stages of Grief, but not him! He really hasn’t even put up too much of a struggle! He skipped almost all of the stages and went right to acceptance.”_

Rose was finally starting to understand. She let the tears overtake her then, feeling totally defeated before they even found him. How do you even start to change the mind of someone who wants to die and now feels like he is being given exactly what he desires? 

_Our Time Lord believes he is evil because of what he did to his own people and in turn to other races in close proximity to the Time War. He has never let go of that burden but his love for you had begun to shift him away from his own negativity.”_

She sighed, _“Then just as he starts to believe his lives are worth living the Eternals step in, torture him while tearing down his newfound emotional strength. They made him, once again, believe he is a murderer of astronomical proportions. He is not a murderer, he is a hero many, many times over!”_

Ohila let the anger at the Eternals seep through in her words. She took another sigh and then a deep breath, trying to center herself. There was no time to waste on past hate. All they could do now is try to move forward.

Sensing Ohila’s need for grounding, Rose reached for her hand and gripped it tightly as the Sister had done with her own.

_“Go on please, tell me more. I am close to understanding, but please finish what you were saying to make sure I completely grasp it”_

The Sister just shook her head and before continuing,

_“When he found out he had contracted the Fade he KNEW he would die from it because in his own mind he was such an evil creature, and the Fade kills evil creatures. By stripping away their impulse control the Fade turns a logical Time Lord into an irrational creature. He can’t understand himself because his normally orderly mind has become quite the opposite._

_I realize it is a hard concept to understand but picture it like a hurricane that has blown through his very methodical mind and scattered everything to the winds. Now that he is sitting in the relative calm eye of this great storm, he has caught a small glimpse of what he has done and is devastated. No, beyond that...there are no words to describe how he feels. He is allowing his guilt to consume him, eating away little by little at all the immeasurable good he has ever done in his lives until his hearts have blackened. The Fade is fatal because he THINKS it is and because of the Eternals beating into him how horrible he truly is, he WANTS IT TO BE!”_

Before Rose could interject, Ohila had to make sure she understood one final piece of the puzzle _._

_“Great Wolf, unless you can convince him of his goodness again... unless you can pull him back from the brink of extinction he will truly and finally die. Time Lords have the ability to cease their own existence by thought alone. So many worlds, so many other lives will shatter without his hand to help guide them._

_His burden is great. But now you are being asked to share in the burden. All I can do is guide you, dear one, to bring him home to himself. But you have to be sure, your heart and love for him must be pure.”_

She continued _, “And you will have to cast off your preconceived ideas about ‘blue eyes or brown’ when he appears. You have to see him with your heart and that is not an easy thing to do.”_

_“Do you think you can? Would you like to see what he really ‘looks’ like? His soul, his essence?”_

Rose never hesitated, her voice becoming strong yet ethereal.

_“Bring me to him, please”_ she begged the Sister. _“If there is one thing I have learned, Ohila, it is that he is MY Doctor, no matter what his appearance.”_

Ohila smiled, knowing she would answer that way.

_“Then come with me and we will find him.”_


	41. Resurrected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reborn Doctor....oh and WARNING Sexual situation mentioned

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50550212366/in/dateposted-public/)

**_(The Woods Between the Worlds)_ **

As they walked through the dense forest Rose told Ohila all about her travels with the Doctor; how they met and how she fell in love with him. She told her about what he had done since contracting the illness and how scared she had been throughout. Ohila in turn, told Rose about the boy she knew growing up; about how smart he was and how kind-hearted and giving. 

As they were walking, they could see that up ahead their path was beginning to lighten, as if they were walking straight into the sun. At one-point Rose had to shield her eyes, the glare was so bright. Suddenly, they found that the dirt they had been traveling on had turned to sand and that instead of trees they were now facing the vast expanse of an ocean. 

And standing in front of a jetty was the source of the light they had followed. It was the Doctor, or more specifically had been the Doctor. A flaming humanoid form stood there, staring across the water at what looked like a dome that covered a great city. Ohila gasped and whispered the word ‘Arcadia’ to Rose. 

_“It was the capital city where he lived and where I became his mentor”_ she added a bit louder.

The figure heard her and turned towards them, just for a second, before looking back at his old home. The way he looked reminded Rose of one time in particular.

 _“But I thought he said that he would not regenerate, that this illness had stripped that ability away?”_ she asked Ohila, afraid to stop looking at the creature in front of her in case he did indeed change. 

_“He won’t regenerate in the same way he always had, the way you have always known. He won’t allow himself to coalesce into a form you understand. He can’t carry the burden of what he has done since becoming ill on top of everything else in his past any longer, so he has made the conscious decision to not take another form on the physical plane.”_

Rose took a step forward toward him only to have Ohila stop her mid stride. 

_“Do you know the stories from your world that told of the Phoenix? About how it rose from the ashes of who it used to be, becoming a magnificent bird capable of soaring into the unknown...into eternity…. into legend? That is him, the Phoenix. He is your legend personified.”_

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50550340132/in/dateposted-public/)

The more Rose watched the brighter he seemed to become.

Ohila whispered in her ear, _“You have to let him know that he is not alone, that he is never alone and that you will forever be with him. The burden truly is too heavy…. You must convince him that you will share that burden with him.”_

Suddenly the figure looked over at her with piercing, blazing eyes.

_“You should not be here Rose; you should not have come.”_

Rose took a deep breath and focused herself completely on the storm surrounding the man she loved.

_“How DARE you do this to yourself! You are ALLOWING yourself to die so please enlighten me how that is fair?! How can that be fair to those who love you so much?!”_

He began to walk towards her but then thought better of it and shifted his blazing and angry gaze back over the ocean once again. 

_“Fair? I think what the Universe has dealt out to me over my many lifetimes compared to what I have given up has been anything but. Now I can finally rest. I am so very tired Rose; you cannot even comprehend how tired I am!”_

Rose had one trump card to play and could not think of a better time, _“So I am supposed to raise your child alone, without a father? A whole new race of Time Lords begins with me and I thought that it also would include you but when this son of yours asks about his father, as I am sure he will, I will just have to tell him the truth when I say that your dad was too damn tired to be here for you. He is off taking a long nap somewhere that you can’t visit.”_

He considered her words, a look of shock still very evident in his quickly changing form.

_“You’re not?”_

_“Oh yes I am, very much so. So, what will it be? Eternal rest or the pressure of becoming a father? You are no different than a human male who can’t be bothered to take on the responsibility of fatherhood. I guess that is too much for you to handle as well. Will you run away from that too? I mean, it is quite a responsibility….”_

She turned her back on him and began walking away towards Ohila who was looking from her to the Time Lord and back. Rose knew that it was a slim chance, but she had to try. Guilt has never been an easy thing for him to swallow but not standing up for what is right was even more difficult.

 _“ROSE STOP!!!”_ His ethereal voice boomed in her ears as if coming from all directions at once.

At that moment it was as if time stood still around them, holding its breath, waiting for the next tick of the clock to fall into line one after the other, as Rose had always believed it did. But then she remembered that it wasn’t really that way, that time was more like a river with many smaller ones branching out from it. The Time Lord himself told them all that _“time isn’t then”_ or _“now”_ and that _“Time. Just. Isn’t”_

With that realization the wind surrounding her seemed to pick up, sending the sand at her feet swirling in every different direction. She couldn’t see Ohila anymore, but she knew she was there because she could hear her voice rising louder and louder, louder than the storm that suddenly surrounded them.

 _“Understand dear one, that this is an eternal promise that you are making.”_ She howled into the wind _, “There is no stronger vow in the universe then what you tell him now. Nothing can break it, nothing at all…. “_

She continued, an ancient Time Lord pledge rising in her memory and now spoken again for the first time in so long.

_“You are both the shadows to each other’s suns, the only stars in the blackest nights, the tender dream when the nightmares come, the forever and the always, hand in hand you will run and never tire of the journey. Can you pledge that all to him, to each other?”_

_(“I pledge it all to you”)_

Rose gasped when she heard the last part echoed back from the form behind her.

With those final words the skies suddenly cleared, and the winds died down. Rose took in her surroundings but only found Ohila standing there with a cage holding a golden bird within its bars. The Doctor, it appeared, was gone.

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190433625@N02/50549480453/in/dateposted-public/)

_“Thank you most precious one, thank you so very much”_ Ohila offered her one final smile before she suddenly disappeared, the cage falling, its door springing open. Rose watched the lovely bird take wing and fly away, watched until her eyes were so blurred from the tears and the distance so great that she could not see it anymore. 

_“Please come back.”_ she whispered into the night sky knowing he was long gone by now.

 _“I never left you, Rose.”_ she heard a familiar voice say. 

She turned and he was there, looking exactly the same as always, pinstripes and all. The ghost of Ohila was gone leaving nothing behind to show that she had ever been there. She ran to him and he caught her in his arms, holding her, kissing her deeply. As if for the first time they ran their hands over each other, igniting small sparks whenever bared skin was found. As his fingers grazed the flesh of her abdomen he suddenly stopped and fell to his knees. He pressed his ear against her there, eyes closed as if listening to something only he could hear. He beamed up at her then suddenly his whole body began to shake. Rose realized that he was gently sobbing. She tilted his face back up so that she could see the tears streaming down his face and loved him so much more than she thought possible at that very moment. 

_I can hear him Rose, telepathically speaking I really know he’s there”_ he said between quiet sobs and a beaming smile.

 _“Once again you saved me. You both did, but I think you did most of the work”_ he reluctantly stood but then stepped back from her and hung his head in shame as the harsh reality of what he did while in the throes of his illness awakened for him to see.

 _“Rose, I hurt you so much. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to leave me…raise our…raise him alone especially after what I physically did to you, and to others as well. But Rose I am not above pleading…. please don’t leave; I love you so much please…can you trust me again? If you need time alone, I will honor that, whatever you want Rose, just tell me.”_

Now he was openly weeping as he stood there, waiting for her reply. She let him get it all out before she spoke. _“Doctor, yes you did hurt me BUT that wasn’t the real you. You were sick and I get that I understand that, and I can get past it…I already have.”_

He pulled her to him then and held her tight, kissing every inch of skin he could find on her face before reaching her mouth where he left a final searing kiss behind. He took her hand and began to pull her along the shoreline. She was curious about a few things so while she had his attention, and he was quiet for a rare moment she asked them.

_“I thought you said that Ohila had died?”_

He just smiled at her in his boyish way, mulling it over until he came up with an answer that she would understand.

_“Think of it this way, right now you are cuddled up behind me, naked I might add which really isn’t very fair, and inside my thoughts. You are in my mind Rose, everything you are seeing comes from my memories. You were right when you said that I was letting myself die. I understand that now. People who had been infected with the strain I had DO go through the stages that I went through, but like Ohila said it is the guilt in the end that causes the total collapse of the system.”_

_“Wait, so was that Ohila or not?”_ Rose asks, totally confused by what she just witnessed.

 _“Yep”_ he offers, popping the ‘P’ of course but then adds, _“and no, well…more yes than no really”_ Rose decides that an elbow in the ribs might help get a straight answer and she is rewarded.

 _“Oi! Ok, ok well unbeknownst to me until not too long ago, Ohila had been trapped in my head since back on Karn. Took up residence, you might say where she has been guarding me against… well, myself…. keeping me from leaving too soon, told me I had to wait until you could make the trip over here. Or would that be ‘in here’? Yes, ‘in here’ makes more sense. I told her how I didn’t want that extra burden of seeing you. It would make my decision that much harder to bear. But I am so glad you did!”_ He added that last bit quickly when he saw the sudden down-turn of her grin into sadness. _“It doesn’t matter that you are carrying my child Rose, you have to believe me ESPECIALLY in here”_ he uses his arm in a sweeping motion. _“I can’t lie to you and I wouldn’t lie to you no matter where we were, actually. I love you so much that just that one look I had of you was enough to change my mind. Marry me?”_

Rose very suddenly grinds to a halt in the sand and puts her hand to her chest.

_“You are kidding right? Because if you are, you know my mum is waiting on the outside and will not hesitate to slap you back into this fantasy world of yours.”_

_“NO! Oh no, no, no…. I most definitely mean it! I need the Universe to know that you are mine and that no one, no matter where they live had better come near you OR our son!”_ he stands a bit taller with that announcement. _“AND I will be more than happy to tell your mum that as well!”_

He looks thoughtful for a moment before he breaks into a ramble, like she knew he would. Planning a wedding can wait a few days until he recovers.

_“So Rose, what do you think of the scenery? You might say that I used my vast imagination to construct the whole thing. Made the trees in the forest out of Bransi wood from Organon, remember when we went there, and you offended their Queen? Hope it had enough paths...the woods, not the planet. I may have to go back and reimagine that bit. Would have been a very, very bad thing if you both had gotten lost trying to find me. Do you think it was “woodsy” enough? Oh, and let’s not forget this lovely Tardis blue sandy beach. Did you know that on Gibraltar, that’s the planet and not the ‘Rock of’ by the way, the sand is edible although it doesn’t taste very good and believe me I have tried the sand eating contest there and even though I ended up winning, well, once is enough and….Rose?”_

Rose in the meantime had decided to avoid any more speeches about the times they had offended royal dignitaries and eating sand by treading water in the Doctor’s make-believe ocean inside his head. Which was as thick as pea soup and why didn’t that surprise her? At least it wasn’t the _color_ of pea soup and she could float on it, which was nice enough. Until a snorkel wearing Doctor poked his head up and dunked her under the (very slowly) rolling surf, that is. She came up sputtering and reaching out blindly for him but kept missing. He was already back on the beach, laughing hysterically.

_“I guess, Rose Tyler, you might say that I am ‘head over heels’ in love with you.”_

_“Doctor you know you might say, ‘you might say’ too much sometimes”_ Rose herself said before tackling him to the sandy ground and stealing his breath away with a passionate kiss. Since all of this was taking place in his own head, he really had no place to run (not that he would want to) as she lowered the zipper on his trousers and cupped him roughly.

 _“Oh...”_ he groaned into her mouth _“...can we consider this make up ahhh…. sex on the beach? Or, since it is all happening in my… in my...umm...head would this be call…called the proverbial mind-fuck?”_

He could feel every touch and every breath coming out of her mouth as she kissed her way down his body and then placed that beautiful mouth over the part of his anatomy that she knew would stop the rant. She smiled with a mock sinister grin.

_“You might say’ either-or my love. Just get proverbially naked and hurry. Times a wasting”_


End file.
